Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Pets "Rnt" Us

If you follow me on Instagram then you may have noticed that my most-liked picture recently changed from a picture of me and a ram to a picture of me and a puppy. How does it feel to know that animals are more worthy of likes than me and my friends? About as good as knowing that my self-worth is inextricably linked to social media likes.

Last week, my friend Beth and I embarked on what turned out to be quite the adventure with that puppy. And by adventure I mean we may have been reported to the ASPCA. Just hear me out...

Late Thursday night we wrapped the puppy in an old t shirt to keep her warm and rushed to Petco before it closed. While serious pet owners milled about perusing the latest and greatest in fortified kitten shampoo, Beth and I roamed the canine aisles asking each other how to find the "cheapest collar possible" and that is a direct quote. If that weren't bad enough, two women approached us wanting some face time with little Luna, always a scene-stealer. They started asking us questions that apparently any dog owner worth his weight in kibble would've known. When asked how old the dog was we both kind of stared at each other nervously before I guessed "5...months? weeks maybe?" Then they asked where we got her. "Some breeder" was the best we could do for that one. And on top of that...I'm not going to say that we dropped her...but she did manage to wiggle free from our clutches a few times. The ladies kept chatting us up and we did know enough to tell them that she was a chow-pei mix and they suggested we give her oatmeal baths for her bad skin and feed her a diet of sweet potatoes and shrimp. Meanwhile we've survived 4 years of college on Ramen and will stand in any line for 20 minutes in hopes of free pizza.

After escaping Petco's inquisitive patrons, we proceeded to sneak Luna into Target. And by we, I of course mean me. I nestled Luna into Beth's purse and zipped my winter coat around her. It was all fun and games until she stood up in the purse and whined to get out, unable to resist the designer collaborations and reasonable prices. With her nose poking out of my collar, it was time to abort the mission. Beth promptly left me to smuggle the dog out of Target alone. Thanks.

The next day, one of my best friends bought Luna at our benefit reception and Kelsey Davis brought her game face, outbidding everyone for a golden doodle puppy. Thanks Kelsey! If you ever need me to dog-sit I won't sneak your dog into a Target. At least I probably won't, I don't feel comfortable promising anything right now.

To get to sleep at night I tell myself that Luna was worth so many likes because it was #FTK, or For the Kids. The puppy was auctioned off to raise money for the Carolina For The Kids Foundation. For those of you quick enough to outrun me when I start talking about this organization, CFTK is the largest student-run non-profit in North Carolina. We have over a thousand dancers pledge to raise $150 each and stand for 24 hours at our annual marathon in support of the patients and families of the UNC Children's Hospital.

Dance Marathon is not a club. It's a lifestyle.

Today CFTK is attempting to raise $25,000 in 25 hours! If you are interested in making a donation, you can do so online at http://uncdm.convio.net/site/TR/Events/General?px=1001503&pg=personal&fr_id=105.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Don't Touch Me I'm Famous

As some of you may know, yesterday I was catapulted into stardom after the genius of my tweets was recognized by semi-national news. I know, finally.

So far I have been able to continue going about my daily life under the radar. I think this is likely due to the fact that I'm virtually unrecognizable to my adoring public because my Twitter picture looks nothing like me (it looks much better than me, that's why it's my Twitter picture).

In the whirlwind since USA Today and Sports Illustrated I have been contemplating how I will leverage my new-found fame. Here I have compiled a list of my top 10 favorite options (in no particular order). Additionally, I have not ruled out using my Sports Illustrated cred to find a way into the swimsuit issue.


1. E!
It has been my dream to have my own E! reality show ever since I first learned how to pronounce Kardashian. If my blog is any indication, my closest friends and family for the most part will not watch my show but I think I could really corner the market of semi-close Facebook acquaintances trying to do anything other than homework on Sunday afternoons. The best part is that the show has no premise, cameras just follow me around my incredibly busy life. Sometimes I sit in the living room on my laptop, sometimes I lay in my bed on my laptop, anything can happen really. And I already narrate my life in my head so there's no script necessary. The worst part is that I might have to look into wearing more pants. 

2. SNL
Not even in my wildest dreams would I be invited slash allowed to host Saturday Night Live. But I'm thinking eventually someone important enough will hear my name and I will be able to tour Studio 8H. I would say that I will 100% embarrass myself if I get within 100 feet of any past or present cast member, but in all honesty I wouldn't be embarrassed at all. I have zero couth and zero shame, a deadly combination. Also I love you Colin Jost.

3. Radio Show
My father has always told me I have a face for radio. I would love to have my own radio show. No need for hair, makeup or wardrobe, plus I could gain as much weight as I wanted. Should my charisma and spunk produce a stalker, he or she won't know what I look like. In the much more likely case that my outspoken opinions produce some disgruntled citizens, they won't be able to assassinate me because I'm just another faceless voice like Johnny Gilbert and whoever really did Gwyneth Paltrow's singing parts on Glee.

4. Celebrity Jeopardy!
I realize this should probably be a subhead under SNL but in my perfect world that I invite you all to live in, Celebrity Jeopardy! is its own show. It comes on ABC right after Jeopardy! much to the delight of everyone who plans their days around Alex Trebek (mainly just me). Celebrity Jeopardy! is my favorite SNL sketch. In the show, Will Ferrell would continue to play Trebek in every episode and Darrell Hammond would always be there as Sean Connery. I will appear as various celebrities alongside a new guest star for each episode. I've already started brainstorming categories. "Pronouncing Idina Menzel" will be great for when John Travolta guest stars.

5. Lifetime
To quote some lady doing stand-up that I saw this one time "Lifetime. TV for women. Except every time I watch Lifetime a woman is being raped, killed, or beaten. Whose lifetime is that?" I love Lifetime shows though and I was personally offended when I wasn't asked to be on Big Women: Big Love. Everyone thinks that's ridiculous of me, saying that I can't be on that show because I'm not overweight. I think the real reason is because this show follows women in their dating lives and I would have no material. My Lifetime show would be like Between Two Ferns, I would interview different celebrities every week and ask them the tough questions. I really want to ask Katie Holmes if she was actually ever pregnant. Google image search that, you'll see what I mean.

6. Honorary Degree
Colleges will give honorary degrees to any old celebrity who was ever spotted on a TMZ camera. I swear all you have to do to get an honorary Masters degree from Brown is be within 3 degrees of Emma Watson. Or donate a couple million dollars. Back in my day we had to work for fake degrees, you had to be an expert at photoshop, or at the very least know someone who owned a copy machine, a real degree, and a bottle of white out. In any event, I will happily accept an honorary doctorate in Near and Middle Eastern Studies from any university so that I can go ahead and start professing without all the grad school.

7. Dating Show
It just makes sense. I have watched more dating reality shows than I care to admit. So I think I have created the perfect formula. I want the drama of Bad Girls Club with the hot guys of The Bachelorette with the judges of Project Runway with the confessionals of Jersey Shore and the challenges of America's Next Top Model. And of course the winner will get to propose to me with a yellow pear cut diamond engagement ring donated by Neil Lane. Or you know, whatever, I haven't really thought about it much.

8. Book Deal
Every time I get a phone call from an unknown number there's a huge part of me that thinks it will be a publisher interested in turning White Girl Wednesday into a book. And every single time I don't answer because I get too excited and some would say too far ahead of myself. Apparently shopping for book cover outfits before you have actually written a book is counting your eggs before they crack. Tell that to the 3 pairs of shoes I bought today because I decided footwear really sets the tone for the whole book. I think that the best part about having a book deal would be that my threats will carry more weight. For years I've been telling people who piss me off "If I were you, I would think long and hard about how this scene is going to play out in my autobiography." and unfortunately for now those are just empty words. For now.

9. White Girl Wednesday: The Musical
Because how awesome would this be? I have so many original songs already written for a White Girl Wednesday musical spectacular. And by written I mean remixed. The opening act will be I Just Can't Wait For A Ring, a sassy new version of I Just Can't Wait To Be King that instead focuses on my desire to marry soon. Lea Michele will star as me of course. If you're currently friends with me and want someone other than Kristen Stewart to play you, then I'd start treating me better. Just something to consider.

10. Newspaper Column
Two words. Carrie Bradshaw. My blog is already really similar to a newspaper column, I could just keep writing White Girl Wednesday but expand my audience. Although it is hard to imagine people who actually read the newspaper reading my blog.  To be fair, it's hard to imagine being able to afford an actual newspaper. But when I think of adoring fans across the nation (okay my immediate family from across my hometown) clipping my articles out of the newspaper I can't help but want to be a columnist. Also, I think that if I write for a newspaper I automatically get a never-ending supply of pencil skirts, stylish glasses and trench coats. I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Dating by Colors...Red & Blue

We've all been there. You meet someone you really like, you feel sparks, you think there's something there...but then you discover something unforgivable about them. They have an outie belly button. They use the Oxford comma. They're a convicted felon. For me, if you're a registered Democrat, whatever fleeting attraction that I invented us sharing in my imagination will go no further. Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends live next door to liberals, but at 21, I'm an old maid with no time to waste on eligible bachelors I could never marry and raise children with.

So after accidentally falling for a Democrat yet again, a friend suggested I make a dating website that matches couples up according to their political views. (My plan was to form RAUD, Republicans Against Undercover Democrats, a support group for people like me.) I must say I'm surprised and disappointed that I couldn't find any such dating websites already in existence. I would sign up for GOPDate faster than you can say supply-side economics. So despite lacking the coding abilities to actually create PoliPairings, a website that puts the party! in partisan, I got started.

Members will begin by simply answering what political party they identify with. After answering republican, they will advance to the next level. Did I forget to mention that this is primarily a website designed to locate all men in the southeastern United States with political views matching mine exactly? Oops.

Question 2 asks the men if they would consider themselves a conservative republican, moderate republican or liberal republican. They will place their marker on a scale from liberal to conservative amongst the markers of famous republicans and celebrities. Okay, celebrity. Fred Thompson is really our only ally in Hollywood, God bless him. Speaking of allies...for bonus points users can select which country they would most want the US to form an alliance with. The choices are Israel.

Conservative republicans are then asked to select their favorite president. Choices are Abraham Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant, Theodore Roosevelt, Herbert Hoover, Dwight Eisenhower, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush. Participants who select Roosevelt, Reagan and Bush will move on to answer a very invasive and comprehensive set of questions about every political issue I care about. Participants who chose Grant and Eisenhower have an essay to explain themselves.

The final section is fill in the blank questions about Supreme Court Justices. Observe.
Antonin Scalia is _______.
Clarence Thomas is _______.
Elena Kagan ______.
Word Bank
THE man
also the man
sucks

Once this website leads me to my husband and we celebrate our July 4, 2015 nuptials, I would be more than happy to spread the love and help connect my fellow republicans to their GOP spouses. PoliPairings can expand to help unite all political parties with their respective soul mates. The live version of the website will be a lot less narrow than my version. After selecting their political affiliation on a spectrum, users will be given an avatar in the appropriate color. From light blue to navy and pink to maroon, democrats and republicans will be able to date in harmony once again. You're welcome America.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Define "Date"

Recently someone asked me if I had a date for Valentine's Day. After the initial shock wore off, I politely asked them to define "date" as it's a word I'm not sure I understand. I share that story because it gives me hope. There are still people out there asking me "do you have a boyfriend?" I want to personally thank all of those people for believing that is something that could happen. Your misplaced confidence is too kind.

Today's blog post is a quiz for all of you struggling to make Valentine's plans. There are just so many options. Should I stay in alone or with a girlfriend? Should I order pizza or go to a drive through? Should I eat an entire cake or an entire pack of cookies? I know. It's hard. So I developed this quiz guaranteed to match your personality with the perfect girl scout cookie and movie for you to share this Valentine's Day with. You're welcome.

1. What is your all-time favorite dessert?
A baklava
B chocolate milkshake, 2 straws
C lemon squares 
D froyo 
E Vanilla cake with chocolate frosting
F Carrot Cake
G
Dark chocolate cake with raspberry sauce and citrus zest

2. Which of these songs is the most you?
A Thunder by Boys Like Girls
B My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion
C Chocolate by the 1975
D
Blank Space by Taylor Swift
E
A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton
F The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson
G
Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana 

3. Who is your favorite celebrity?
A Jennifer Lawrence 
B Kate Hudson
C Helena Bonham Carter 
D Emma Watson 
E Reese Witherspoon
F Shailene Woodley 
G Johnny Depp

4. What TV show do you never miss?
A Orange Is The New Black
B Say Yes To The Dress
C Strange Sex
D Pretty Little Liars 
E Friends reruns 
F The Dr. Oz Show 
G 1000 Ways to Die

5. What would you say is your best quality?
A I'm myself
B I'm happy
C I'm weird
D I'm fabulous
E I'm average 
F I'm wholesome 
G I'm different

6. What quality are you looking for in a pizza?
A Spinach
B Big enough to share
C Cheesy crust 
D Pepperoni
E Cheese 
F Gluten-free crust 
G As many flavors as possible

7. What is your favorite color?
A Green 
B Red 
C Yellow 
D Pink 
E Blue 
F Beige 
G Black


Mostly As
Thin Mints & Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist
You love to be quirky, original and refreshing, just like you. Why be with someone else if you can't be yourself? Nick and Norah give you hope that true love can happen on your terms. Until then, you'll stick to your thin mints.

Mostly Bs
Tagalongs & Pretty Woman
You're a romantic and currently in love. You and your guy are like peanut butter and chocolate, better together. Nothing says classic romance like Julia Roberts and Richard Gere, so you plan to show your man Pretty Woman, a classic rom com, to give him some ideas on how to spoil you.

Mostly Cs
Lemonades & Gone Girl
You over-think things and plan on having a sour February 14th as the ultimate protest. You decide to watch Gone Girl, a movie about marriage gone wrong, and remember how lucky you are to be alone with your lemon cookies.

Mostly Ds
Samoas & 50 Shades of Grey
You're a basic white girl dreading Valentine's because you will have to stay off social media for at least 24 hours. So instead you plan on seeing 50 Shades with gal pals and sneaking your favorite girl scout cookies into the theater. You're already planning your insta caption for next February when you will definitely have a boyfriend.

Mostly Es
Trefoils & Valentine's Day
You're traditional and simple, which isn't a bad thing. Instead of sweating over Valentine's plans you decide this Garry Marshall flick makes the most sense. You like your cookies plain and your plot lines predictable.

Mostly Fs
Rah-Rah Raisins & Breakfast at Tiffany's
You value being healthy and wholesome so your cookie has raisins and whole grains and your movie is a classic. You dream of hiking dates and organic picnics, but on the 14th, settle in with Audrey Hepburn.

Mostly Gs
Cranberry Citrus Crisps & Friday the 13th
You're zesty and unique with a dark side. On the "most romantic day of the year" you wouldn't be caught dead watching some rom com. Instead of heading to Hot Topic or painting every fingernail a different neon color, watch a slasher film where you know the couples are sure to die first.

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

How to Take Compliments and Influence People

Today I'm dealing with an issue that affects white girls around the globe. White girls are notoriously bad at taking compliments. There's an entire Amy Schumer sketch on it, which is how I know it must be a serious issue. I myself have trouble responding appropriately to a compliment. And practice does not make perfect, I think I actually get worse with more compliments. I have a theory that if 3 people complimented me at once, my head would explode from the shock. That's why I've struggled to maintain the amateur status of this blog, I couldn't handle the celebrity.

Almost every time someone directs a comment that is not entirely negative towards me I freak out, unsure of how to respond. My go to is an overly enthusiastic "thanks, you too!"
The worst is when I do it at restaurants.
Waitress: "Enjoy your meal."
Me: "Thanks, you too."
In my defense, she will eventually have a meal and whenever that occurs, I hope that she enjoys it.

Besides "you too!" the only other compliment response I offer is a self-depreciating comment, as if I'm afraid that all bystanders are tuned into my conversation and if I don't remind them that I too, have flaws, they might revolt out of self-pity.
Innocent adoring fan: "You look so skinny today!"
Me: "Who me? I'm like a size a hundred. I look like I'm in the third trimester with twin elephants. Get out of here with that. You're skinny! You look like an Olsen twin before rehab!"

Today a little girl told me I looked like a Barbie and I was speechless, I had no idea what to say. Brunettes do not prepare themselves for a compliment like that. So of course I blurted "Oh my gosh, thanks! You too!" and she just looked at me like "You idiot, there are no Barbies of third graders" and the moment was ruined.

So even though I am no expert, I have compiled a list of what I consider to be completely appropriate responses to whatever compliments may arise. You're welcome.


You look so adorable today!
Crap, I was going for ruggedly handsome.

I love your hair!
Thanks, I guess...it took the first 3 years of my life to grow it.

You look so good in that picture!
I'm guessing there's no one else in the picture then?

You're really funny.
Pretty and cute were taken so I had to find a talent.

Your teeth are so pretty.
I will forward that compliment to my orthodontist.

I love your sweater!
And I love Target for selling it to me!

You would be the perfect wife.
Marry me. Stop running away, I was completely serious. 

You look so skinny!
I did have the flu 3 weeks ago, thanks for noticing!

I love your shoes!
They were $10!
(For some reason this is a big thing, whenever someone comments on something I got on sale I just have to tell them the price. And lots of people do this. I find this extremely strange and yet I know good and well that the next time someone tells me they like my coat I'm going to tell them it was 75% off.)

Your eyes are so bright!
No they're not, they're brown. Literally the color of mud, how can mud be bright?

I love your outfit.
Thanks! I like to call my style "nightmare dressed as a lazy nightmare."

I love your smile.
I love cheese.

You would make a great mother.
Don't say that to my 3rd fish this month.

You look like a Barbie.
Maybe the off-brand "barbeez" your mom bought at Dollar General because the real ones were too expensive.

and my personal favorite,
You are so cute.
No I'm not. You wouldn't call Beyonce cute would you?  I'm flawless.


*Special thanks to my friend Caitlinn for giving me so many undeserved compliments and thereby forcing me to practice my responses. Also for being her fabulous self.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Gentlemen, Form an Orderly Queue

One of the worst parts about being a so-called "adult" is that I am now expected to bring dates to functions. I have reached the age where I can no longer have my mom take me to events to offset my awkwardness, instead I'm supposed to take someone else and amplify it. But that's not even the hardest part of taking a date to an event. The real kicker is...well finding a date. In less than a month, I have a huge, fancy event so I need to find a date and a ball gown in less than 30 days. I asked some friends how I should go about getting a date and after some completely ridiculous suggestions like "ask one of the 3 million guys you're obsessed with" they came up with some solid ideas like a social media contest or a raffle. I finally committed to an application, to be followed up by one-on-one interviews (thus tricking all applicants into going on at least one date with me). In an act of blind optimism, I printed out 3 of the following applications to hand out to all my male suitors.

1) Name
If your last name starts with a K that is strike one, but something we can hopefully work past. Like most other 12-year-olds, I have already created a long list of potential baby names and if I marry you, one kid will have the monogram "KKK" which is obviously not going to happen. But in the off chance that Hollywood invents new, weirder names like Motorcycle or Alyxia that I like better, please continue filling this out.

2) Social Media Usernames
I'm not going to pretend I'm too mature to stalk you. I'm the white girl incarnate of Enchanted by Taylor Swift. If I meet you slash view you from a distance, have access to your first and last name or a mutual friend, and like your face, I am 100% going to try to find you on Facebook or Instagram. I don't apologize.

3) Age
What I'm really shooting for here is men between the ages of 21 and 30, a range that my parents and therapist agreed on. So if you're older than 30, lie.

4) Occupation
This is where I would like to know if you are a serial killer, sociopath, Greenpeace employee, or anything else that I would consider unacceptable.

5) What is the best country? 
Explain why you chose America.

6) Sports
I'm going to need to know if you're a Patriots fan right away. You will not be getting a call back. Almost anything else I can work with.
Red Sox, Steelers, Lakers, Thunder & Cowboys fans will need 3 friend recommendations to apply.

7) Future
What are your plans for the future? A beach house where we can vacation with our 6-8 children and host the best 4th of July party in the Carolinas year after year as we grow old together or a small studio apartment in Durham that smells like our 4 cats? There is obviously a right answer here, Consider this a field question.

8) Political Affiliation
Democrats need not apply. It's not going to work out. This is me letting you down easy.

9) Justin Timberlake is the best SNL guest star of all time.
Agree or disagree?

10) If you could get rid of one US state, which one would it be? 
Hint: pick Canada.

11) What Taylor Swift lyrics changed your life?
Use all the Blank Space you need. 

12) Who is your favorite Law and Order: SVU ADA?
If you did not understand the importance of this question, please give up. If you are thinking of answering Kim Greylek, don't call us, we'll call you.

13) What is the perfect date?
A sporting event.
A trip to the museum.
A movie.
Dinner.
April 25th.

14) Which Friends character do you identify as and why?
As long as you're not Monica, this can work. I'm Monica. Also, sorry for being Monica.

15) Would you be interested in dating me?
Blink for yes. (Did you blink? __ yes)
Back flip for no. (Can you back flip? __ no)


*This week I am celebrating White Girl Wednesday's 10,000th page view and I want to thank everyone who has ever read my blog, so thanks Mom. You're the real MVP.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Extreme Makeover: Reality TV Edition

I watch bad TV. Like really bad TV. There are several shows I follow religiously that no one else has ever heard of. I have reason to believe I am the literal only viewer for every show on Style Network. Basically if there's a series on a family with more than a few wives or more than a dozen kids, I gotta watch it. I've recently grown frustrated with the lack of programming for people like me. I'm sure when normal people sit down to watch TV and see nothing but Little Women: LA and Extreme Cheapskates they groan and put in a DVD or pull up Netflix. But I'm getting tired of reality shows that aren't quite weird enough. To me, the following is a list of ways to make already good series even better. To you, this probably reads as how to make bad TV even worse. Don't worry, none of the major networks have gotten back to me.

Celebrity Ex-Wife Swap
I like Wife Swap. I like Celebrity Wife Swap. I would LOVE Celebrity Ex-Wife Swap. Instead of D-list celebrities from the 1980s, this show would feature current celebs trading homes with their former lovers. Tell me you wouldn't tune in to watch Rihanna trade places with Chris Brown's next girlfriend. Or to see the Kim K lookalike girlfriend of Kris Humphries  go play house with Kanye and North for a few weeks. This show would be epic.

Bachelor Catfish
So this title is pretty self-explanatory. To the participants, it's just another season of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette. Actually, the bachelor would assume the identity of someone else during the show, hiding their true profession, family, and interests to pose as the true bachelor, revealed at the finale. They spent all season falling in love with the true bachelor when they thought he was someone else. At the finale the winning contestant has to decide if they can accept the true bachelor.

Jon & Kate Plus 8 Minus Jon
Very similar to Kate Plus 8 that's in season now, but every time Kate has a particularly stressful time with the kids, the screen switches to a clip of Jon being a jerk. Kate is raising 8 kids alone. Jon is dating 18 year olds. Kate packs 40 lunches a week. Jon wears Ed Hardy. Kate hasn't had a day alone in a decade. Jon parties with strippers. It's all about perspective.

Sister Wives and Brother Husbands
A series all about siblings who marry siblings. I've seen it happen and I think it's adorable. That's really it, that's the whole premise. I'd watch it.

The Real House Maids of New Jersey
Instead of featuring housewives, this series would follow the maids of the families made famous in the Real Housewives series. Instead of arguing with each other and doing rich people activities, the maids would give cameramen exclusives of the medicine cabinets and bank statements. It would be like a behind-the-scenes expose, and probably result in a spin-off following the real housewives in prison for insider trading and fraud.

Undercover Professor
Like the show Undercover Boss, but the professor goes undercover while a teaching assistant takes over the class for a few weeks. The professors listens and really connects with students. Students tell stories of academic scholarships to maintain, part-time jobs to work, spring breaks to pay for. The professors learn to be more chill and calm down on assigned reading. This would be a beautiful and touching show that would always change professors for the better. I tear up a little just thinking about it.

Say No to the H8RS
A combination of Say Yes to the Dress and Bridezillas. This series would follow brides doing whatever they want and refusing to listen to friends and family members with strong opinions. There's nothing I hate more than seeing a bride crying because her mom hates the wedding dress she wants. This show would be all about brides telling everyone to shut up because if it's not your wedding day, no one cares what you think, want or can or can't afford. The catchphrase would be "when I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."

Mom Code
Like Girl Code but with just moms talking about mom things. Together they will all be honest about the questionable parenting practices they use. The I Can't segment would be full of quotes like "When your kids call you at work to come sign a permission slip at school. I can't." and #IsThatWeird would feature soundbites of "Sometimes I run out of dish soap and just use bar soap instead. #IsThatWeird?"

Promzillas 
I might be the only person who would watch this, but I would watch every single episode like 3 times. It would focus on high schools around the country as prom approaches. There would be so much drama, between dates and dresses, limos and restaurants, prom queen and prom themes. For someone who misses My Super Sweet 16 as much as I do, this show is the next great hope.

Preacher's Wives
A tamer Preacher's Daughters, this show would feature the wives of preachers, a seriously under-appreciated community. The preacher's wives would get together every Sunday night for supper and talk about the day's events. Whose sermon was best, whose attendance was down, who needs to schedule another baptism. Sometimes members would switch churches, or churches would schedule their Easter egg hunts for the same time, or order the same new hymn books. Drama! For the season finale they would all go on a cruise together.

Teen Mom Moms
Follows the mothers of the stars of Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2 because many of them were instrumental in the upbringing of their grandchildren. I don't know how any teen parents could do it without the support of their parents, and this series would demonstrate that. There's a possibility that no one will be open to starring in this show other than Babs Evans, Jenelle's mom. I'm totally fine with that.