Wednesday, November 25, 2015


In honor of having a day off of work tomorrow (and to a lesser extent, Thanksgiving) I wanted to take a minute to reflect on some of the many things I am thankful for.

Please note that this is a list of THINGS only because love, family and self-respect might make you happy for a little while, but it is only through material possessions that we find the key to eternal dissatisfaction.

A1 steak sauce. I don't even eat steak, but it goes great with pineapple.
Used books. I have this completely rational need to own every book I've ever read (the cover of).
Fleece lined leggings. It's more important to look hot than to feel hot. Now you can do both.
Eyebrow pencils. One day I will do an entire post on eyebrow maintenance. Today is not that day.
Neutral nail polish. You can't even tell when it chips.
Parmesan peppercorn ranch. If this requires explanation for you, you have obviously never had parmesan peppercorn ranch.
Ear warmers. Something to keep me warm that is also a headband and a fashion statement. V. underappreciated. 
Indoor plumbing. I just feel like we take it for granted sometimes. Christmas socks. The official footwear of yours truly. (NEVER, under any circumstances, match your socks.)
Kardashian memes. My Christmas cards this year will feature Khloe quotes.
Suave kids detangler spray.This just makes my life so much better. My hair hurts without it.
The internet. Need I say more?
Candy cane Hershey kisses. I could eat an entire bag at once. If you don't believe me, bring me a bag and I will prove it.
Buzzfeed. My favorite websites are 1. White Girl Wednesday 2. Buzzfeed and 3.
Pear cut engagement rings. HINT.
Goat cheese. Goat cheese makes everything better. Except maybe chocolate. I'll get back to you on that.
Youtube. For the sole reason that every single episode of Degrassi is on Youtube.
Q-tips. Fun fact: I would not be able to survive 12 hours without a q-tip. And without q-tips I wouldn't be able to apply my makeup so would I even want to live?
Capes. Capes are fab. You heard it here first.
Pop-Tarts. They can be a meal. They can be a snack. They come in a variety of flavors like Hot Fudge Sundae and Why Would You Buy A Flavor Other Than Hot Fudge Sundae?.
Black dresses. My entire life.
DVRs. Game. Changers. One of my fave inventions, on par with toilet paper.
Paint. So much cheaper than therapy.

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

QTNA: College Application Edition

At this point I feel I have pretty much solidified my status as an intellectual in a multitude of fields (excluding of course science, technology, proper punctuation, about 43% of African capitals, action movies and the perfect baklava recipe). But for some reason, my own brother (although to be fair, I'm certain AT LEAST one of us is adopted), didn't trust me to look over his college application essays. Maybe that's because he doesn't think I'm qualified to give writing advice but if a journalism degree from UNC doesn't make me the reigning authority on the Oxford comma, I don't know what will. Of course he may have neglected asking my opinion due to my staunch and anything-but-subtle belief that he, and everyone else, should select a college based on their dance marathon program. The world may never know.

In case he changes his mind, I decided to do a little research out of the goodness of my heart and the fact that I was trapped waiting for a 2 hour oil change with nothing better to do. I scoured the internet and found some of the best/most common college application questions. While I have no idea which essays my brother even answered, I can say with a reasonable amount of certainty that I knocked them all out of the park.

"If you were to write the story of your life until now, what would you title it and why?"
Laughing Alone. Because that really says it all.

"If you could choose to be raised by robots, dinosaurs, or aliens, who would you pick? Why?"
100% dinosaurs who I can only hope would raise me to join in the fight for T. Rex equality. 

"Make a bold prediction about the year 2020 that no one else has made a bold prediction about."
First of all, why am I being held responsible for knowing what other bold predictions have been made? Is there an app for that? And what even makes a prediction bold? So here are some bold predictions for 2020.
Grocery shopping will be done via drive-throughs to further limit human interaction.
The Kardashians will own Ryan Seacrest in an interesting turn of events.
Guac will no longer cost extra at Chipotle.
JK but there will be queso. Mucho queso.

"Tell us about the most embarrassing moment  of your life."
I don't believe in embarrassment. That is all.

"What invention would the world be better off without, and why?"
Escalators. They freak me out.
Time Warner Cable. Equal parts inept and infuriating.
Make up. I promise to still feel ugly, just slightly less ugly and not from face jail.
Mushrooms. I guess that's not technically an invention. I really hate mushrooms.

"Write your Oscar acceptance speech. Who would you thank?"
The better question is who would I NOT thank? I just think it would be really funny to read a list of people who I am in no way thankful for. My foreign policy professor, whoever made the decision to get rid of southern chicken biscuits at Bojangles, Shonda Rhimes mistress of heartbreak.

"What do you see as the biggest threat to civility."
Unfrosted Pop-Tarts.

"You have just finished your 300 page autobiography. Please submit page 217."
First of all, it is very limiting (read: incorrect) to assume that my autobiography would be a mere 300 pages. I could write 300 pages on Katherine Heigl right now, easy. And I don't even like Katherine Heigl. For my autobiography, imagine War and Peace but longer and with a lot less Russian.
But I think for this prompt I would begin the page with the end of a sentence, just to get their attention. 
"finished disposing of the body.
So that's all I have to say about that summer. Moving on to my wedding to Manu Ginobili and my 4 shoe closets."

"Tell us about an unjust law, written or unwritten, that you believe should be broken."
I'm going to have to go with the law of gravity.

"What's a question that has changed how you understand the world? What changed?"
I already had an answer to this, it's a question that impacts me every day. Before you buy something online, you must always ask yourself, "Is this worth deleting an extra email every day for the rest of my life?" And if the answer is it anyway and try repeatedly, but ultimately unsuccessfully, to unsubscribe.

"To tweet or not to tweet?"
HIGHLY subjective.
To tweet: Anna Kendrick, Amanda Bynes, me, Carrot Facts, GOAT Carol Folt.
Not to tweet: people who do not understand Sundays/Sunday's, anyone below age 16, Cher.

"Whether you are goal tending or cheering from the stands, celebrate the role of sports in your life."
Well goaltending is illegal so I wouldn't be doing that as I play by the rules, am not very tall, and have a 2 inch vertical. And I don't cheer from the stands, I'm either too nervous to watch or uncontrollably whining, there is no in-between. The role of sports in my life is as follows: wearing the same outfit for 2 weeks to help the San Antonio Spurs win the 2014 NBA championship, dozens of mild heart attacks while cheering for NC State, 6 adorable selfies with Rameses, countless hours spent viscerally hating Tom Brady and the New England Patriots and claiming international fame via my #DookFans tweets.

“What would you try if you knew you couldn’t fail?”
Contouring. Definitely contouring.

Wednesday, November 11, 2015

Zach & Rachel's 1st Annual Meat Draft

Welcome to Zach and Rachel’s inaugural meat draft. The rules are simple. Zach picks a meat, Rachel picks a meat and so on until we have our teams. After each choice, the opposing coach will get a moment to respond to the selection. There are 2 rounds and the person with the highest cholesterol gets to go first.

1st round
1st Pick - Zach
Rationale: Pork is an NC specialty just like basketball, American idol and freaking out over 1/8th inch of snow. Also...bacon.
Rebuttal: This is kind of like wishing for more wishes and I really didn’t think I would need to consider possible loopholes for a meat draft. Touche as long as I can still pick sausage. Please don’t pick sausage next just to spite me.

2nd Pick - Rachel
Rationale: My memaw’s turkey and stuffing and gravy might have prevented some of the atrocities committed by early English settlers in America. If the pilgrims and Native Americans had eaten some of that instead of maize and yams and whatever, you all might be reading this post in Cherokee. Turkey bacon is the only type of bacon I like and I don't care if that makes me an outcast. Additionally, I will petition for turkey nuggets until the day I die.
Rebuttal: This experiment is over, your team loses.

3rd Pick – Zach
Rationale: Because steak. Please note all steak ever consumed should be medium rare. Anything medium well or well-done should be sent back immediately and the chef should apologize profusely. 
Rebuttal: I don't eat steak anymore. I never learned how to cut my steak. Also, I hate steak fries. Just a negative opinion of steak all around here.

4th Pick – Rachel
Rationale: North Carolina is known for chicken too. Chicken nuggets are one of the reasons I still believe in love and grilled chicken may very well be the healthiest thing I've ever eaten.
Rebuttal: A surprisingly decent choice for you. 

5th Pick – Zach
Rationale: Burgers are basically our national meal. From the day you are born, Ronald McDonald is teaching you everything you need to know about being an American. I also wish to reiterate that any burger cooked medium well or well-done is dead to him.
Rebuttal: A-I'm concerned that you think infants can have happy meals and B-burgers are useless without cheese making this choice highly vulnerable to a dairy cow shortage. Something to think about. 

6th Pick – Rachel
Red Hot Dogs
Rationale: I love red hot dogs. I'm willing to name my firstborn Jesse Jones. All beef hot dogs are literally worse than no hot dogs at all. Ordering a hot dog expecting something bright red with grill marks and the getting a Ball Park Frank is the reason I have trust issues.
Rebuttal: They have found human DNA in hot dogs. Human. DNA.

2nd Round
7th Pick – Rachel
Rationale: Such a versatile meat. 1st of all, sausage balls, the key dish at any holiday gathering. 2nd of all, need I say more?
Rebuttal: This is actually a semi-honorable choice. Proud of you.

8th Pick – Zach
Rationale: Shrimp, crab, lobster, scallops, oysters. You got appetizer shellfish, you got entree shellfish.
Rebuttal: The only seafood I eat is shrimp and now I want to watch The Little Mermaid.

9th Pick – Rachel
Peanut Butter
Rationale: You know how I feel about peanut butter. I don’t eat a lot of meat, so peanut butter is an excellent source of protein. You can put it on ALMOST anything. My 9th pick includes peanut butter M&Ms, Reese's AND Tagalongs. V. happy with this choice.
Rebuttal: Not even a meat.

10th Pick – Zach
Meat Lovers Pizza
Rationale: The meat topping trifecta: pepperoni, ham and sausage. Reminiscent of my 1st pick. And why not add bacon? No pork product left behind.
Rebuttal: Pizza is life and while I support this pick fully, I prefer cheese.

Closing Remarks
Zach: I can't support your team because it's not Thanksgiving and I'm not 5. You have 1 starter on your team, Dennis Rodman, Steve Kerr, Bill Cartwright and a middle school baller. My team is Larry Bird, LeBron, Kobe, Tim Duncan and Bill Russell. Let the people decide.
Rachel: You have 0 chicken. None of your food comes in nugget form. You don't stand a chance. Don't ask to come to my house on Thanksgiving. Enjoy your rib eye and scallops, just like the pilgrims had.

*A special thank you to my good friend Zachary for turning your obsession with criticizing my food choices into a lucrative co-authorship! For every 5 cents I make on this post, you will get 1 penny. After taxes you owe me 3 dollars.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015

Say Yes to the Address

Today’s post will be short but sour because I am still attempting to move. Which reminds me...I moved to Raleigh! (Don't worry Mom, I'm not telling anyone my address. Not even you.)

For what feels like forever (but was actually about 3 months) I have been looking for a new place. How hard could it be? 4 walls, a ceiling, indoor plumbing 24K gold kitchen appliances and Bob Newhart as a doorman. I also need a bathtub. I don't take showers. I just don't have the desire to do anything that I cannot do concurrent with reading a book. If you can tell me how to read a book in the shower, I'll try it. But until then, it's bathtub or bust.

My eccentricities aside, after a long summer of real estate scavenging, last weekend, 1 ram, 1 wolf and whatever the heck I am walked into an apartment. And the punchline is…we’re trying to be adults.
First of all…it’s really weird not living with students. Partially because I still feel like a student. I come home and think about how much I don’t want to do homework for a solid 15 minutes before I realize that I don’t have homework anymore. I’m the assigner of homework now. I’ve really moved up in the world. 

Perhaps the most challenging thing about this move is still having no internet and no cable. Moving my furniture up 3 flights of stairs, not having a washing machine, having an hour commute to work, all of those issues seem negligible compared to the complete and utter lack of reality TV in my apartment. We spent an hour in a nearby McDonald’s yesterday using their internet to search for internet providers. Poetic, right? What we’ve discovered so far is that we are really poor but would rather die than live without cable. So we’ve reached an impasse. 

I will leave you with a final story that is pretty much the epitome of our roommate experience thus far. While having quality roommate bonding time in my closet yesterday, we discussed the dynamics of sound in the new apartment. Amanda was concerned and asked if we could hear her friends the night before. Neither of us heard them but we were super excited for her, having friends is a huge accomplishment among my inner circle. It turned out, she meant her Friends not actual friends.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Oh Brother

Siblings are a mixed bag. Brothers and sisters both have redeeming qualities. Unfortunately, a lot of us never get to experience both. Did you know, only 28% of Americans have siblings of both genders.* I only have brothers, but thanks to social media and my generation's nasty habit of oversharing, I can see how different it would be to have sisters. And now, for the low, low price of clicking the ads to the right of this text, so can you!

First of all, social media affection among siblings takes many forms. I think we've all been guilty of stalking a guy we're into because we just can't tell if that's his girlfriend or his sister. That's pretty much the single defining activity of my Friday nights. Sisters communicate via social media with a sweetness that is physically sickening. Any given birthday post sister to sister is likely to read "Happy Birthday to my beautiful sister who inspires me every day. Thank you for being my best friend.". Heart emoji, dancing rabbits emoji, hashtag love you. Meanwhile, if I were crafting a birthday post for one of my brothers, it would sound slightly different. "Glad your rash cleared up. Remember, you can be tried as an adult now. Hbd.".

We also have some differences when it comes to food. I will often hear of sisters cooking together or see sisters sharing food. Sisters split meals at restaurants and will tell each other things like "You HAVE to try this, it's amazing! Pumpkin spice mac and cheese! Delish!". With my brothers, it's eat or be eaten. Nothing too crazy we just literally hide food from each other. I'm 22 years old and I'm not ashamed to tell you that I will hide candy, cookies and Chex Mix from my brothers. I've been known to play "see how may Famous Amos I can fit into my mouth at once" in order to eat them all myself. Luckily, we've evolved to avoid conflict. We used to get into physical altercations over brown sugar cinnamon Pop-Tarts but now we all like different flavors. As long as our mother buys the same amount of chocolate fudge, chocolate chip cookie dough and hot fudge sundae, nobody gets hurt.

If I had a sister, I think I might have watched Gossip Girl. I can't explain it, it's just something I feel very strongly about. Sisters become best friends by watching Real Housewives together, women bond through reality television. I don't care who you are, if you will watch all 13 seasons of Bad Girls Club with me you are a maid of honor contender. All my brothers ever want to watch is the NBA rewind channel. Every time I ask to watch Little Women: LA, they say they would rather watch Clippers and Celtics game from 1849.

I have no definitive proof of this (much like everything else I post on this blog) but it stands to reason that it is easier to play with siblings that share your chromosomal composition when it comes to Xs and Ys. I know sisters who grew up with an entire village of Polly Pockets. Sisters who could have 83 hour Mary-Kate and Ashley movie marathons with their collection. Sisters who had Disney princess costumes for dress up and all the stick-on earrings and body glitter a girl could ever hope for. What did I get growing up? I have exactly 2 Disney princess movies while my brothers own every Batman and X-Men movie ever made. Instead of playing dress up together, my brothers and I played beat the crap out of each other. But to be honest, the black eyes often looked better than the play makeup I tried in vain to apply.

Growing up I always thought that having a sister was like having a sleepover every night. After living with girls, I know that to be a fact. Some might think it's hard to share a bathroom with another girl, but I would rather share a bathroom with 7 other girls (which I did for 2 years) than 1 boy any day. When getting ready together you can blast Taylor Swift, sharing sink space and makeup. With brothers, there's no sharing. If one of my brothers is in our bathroom, it becomes a men's room. If I'm in the bathroom, it becomes my sacred temple for a quick shower or lengthy spa treatment depending on the day. Sometimes I'm reading a magazine and my bath takes all of 10 minutes, other times I'm reading Rainbow Rowell and I'm in there for the better part of Titanic.

There have to be some parts of life that are just easier with brothers. For instance, I've never had the problem of a sister constantly stealing my clothes. I have worn my oldest brother's clothes on occasion. I'll borrow his t-shirts or basketball jerseys and he would never deign lower himself to wear his sister's clothes, so it's a win-win for me, or as my parents call it, "inconsiderate".

So I guess we all just make do with what we get. I think that having younger brothers has helped mold me into the bossy, demanding (somewhat boyish) girl I am today. Brother or sister, we figure that whatever specimen our parents bring home from the hospital is between them and God. Then we do our best to push the boundaries of normal human interaction until someone moves out.
May the odds be ever in your favor.

*I 100% made that up.