Wednesday, April 16, 2014

#PostGradProbs

As every college student knows, from the moment you commit to an institution of higher learning, the questions about your plans for after graduation will not stop until you finally look old enough for the general public to assume that you are no longer a college student. These questions suck. A lot. Like dude, I don't even know what I'm going to have for brunch tomorrow, you think I can tell you in 30 seconds or less what my life goals are? And more importantly, they don't really care. 98 times out of 107 they are just making small talk, not really listening, they will ask you the same exact questions next Easter. So I've taken it upon myself to compile a list of very appropriate and very sarcastic answers you should recite the next time your mom's great aunt, twice removed, once incarcerated, asks about your future. You're welcome.

"What are you doing after graduation?" Responses:

Finally announcing my engagement to my Econ professor! The wedding will be in 9 months or less!

Mainly just catching up on Game of Thrones.

I'm moving to Arizona to work for a company that sells ocean liners.

I've been keeping an eye on Craigslist for open trophy wife positions, if you hear anything let me know.

I'll probably just go back to my high school job at Sonic, the skates still fit.

Probably going to the beach for like a week. You?
 
Moving to India to waitress until I get my big break in the Bollywood movie industry.

I ask my Magic 8 Ball every day and keep getting try again later, but I'll keep you posted.

Moving back in with my parents and negotiating my allowance until I can find a freelance nursing job. 

Crack. Lots and lots of crack.

I'm seriously considering the master's program at (insert biggest party school/fake school name).

I got a job as a lifeguard in Alaska that I'm really excited about!

I've been looking into selling nonessential organs to pay off my student loans. Do you know anyone in need of a kidney? I have one left and it's up for grabs.

If you feel guilty about lying to the unsuspecting public, feel free to add this line to the end of whichever answer you choose:

"Kidding! I'm getting a job. Idiot."

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Memoirs of a White Girl in Class

There are only 2 weeks of class left, but who's counting? As the semester winds down, I realized it's probably a good time to start taking notes, right? But when I started trying to take notes in class, this happened instead. This is my train of thought during a typical class period, and you can rest assured that this post is accurate because I am writing it in class. This is straight from the monkey's brain, or whatever the expression is.

Am I in some alternate universe where it's ok for someone to sit in the seat I have been in all semester? That's so crazy, I didn't even notice astral projecting myself into THIS IS MADNESS LAND.

Did the professor try to make a joke again or is everyone laughing at me? Is there something on my face?

What class am I even in right now?

Ohhh he has an accent. He's from France. This is just like that Mary-Kate and Ashley movie where they go to Paris. I wonder if I'm more Mary-Kate or more Ashley? I'm sure there's a Buzzfeed quiz for this.

Can we eat in here?

This girl on my right literally always wears loose jeans and a jacket, hair in a pony tail, no make up. And yet she has all monogram everything. Someone needs to tell her she's being a white girl wrong. Seriously people, commit to a look! I'm talkin to you norts and jacks girl. If you wanna wear Jack Rogers you do you. But give them some dignity! You don't see me wearing Christian Louboutins with yoga leggings! Do better. Just do better.

I can't believe I wore pants for this.

Hey I know that girl, she does Dance Marathon. Hey friend, I like you. You are approved to sit near me. Congratulations.

What?! We have a test next week! Thanks for NOT putting this on the syllabus, Dr. Jerkface. I can't beli...oh. It is on the syllabus. And it has been all year. Ok, my bad. That one's on me.

Has Amanda Bynes tweeted today?

I have been paying attention for 5 whole minutes without playing Spider Solitaire. That's a new record and I think I know how to celebrate...to Buzzfeed!

Today was a waste of make up.

I'm so full from lunch. I think I'll have a salad for dinner. Or a pizza. Pizza sounds better.

Do I know him? He looks familiar...oh my gosh it's footsie boy from the library! Hey footsie. Stop being weird, you can't call him that to his face. You can't call him anything, he doesn't even know you. You're so weird.

Wait I'm not even wearing make up. I can rub my eyes!

Haven't been to the Victoria's Secret website in awhile...

Ok he just said he's graded all but one of our papers and hasn't read a bad one yet. Guess he saved mine for last.

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Promposals. How About No.

This week's post is about a disturbing trend that is sweeping teenage girls across the nation faster than Starbucks samples disappear at a white girl convention. Promposals. They're like proposals only stupid.

I'm sure this late in "prom season" *rolls eyes* you have already seen way too many promposals. There are some simple promposals that are actually very adorable, but once over a dozen people are involved in making it happen, you're way out of scale.

You know what's a good way to ask someone to prom?
Picture it, it's my junior year and I'm walking back to chemistry after lunch, when I turn to my friend and ask:

"Who are you going to prom with?"
"You."
"Ok."

But these days girls expect sky writing or the word prom plowed in a corn field or whatever other "creative and original" ways guys are asking girls to prom that cost a minimum of $40 and it's ridiculous.

See there are 2 different types of promposals. Either you are asking your girlfriend to go to prom with you or you are asking a girl you like to go with you. A big gesture does not work for either of these. If you are dating the girl you are asking to prom, why do you have to make a big deal about it? Isn't it assumed that you are going together? And if you aren't dating the girl you ask, it's weird to put so much effort into asking her. The promposal is like the Hail Mary of trying to escape the friendzone.  And what if she wants to say no? She totally can't. There is no escape route!

The more elaborate/public your promposal the more impossible it is for the recipient of said promposal to politely decline lest she crush your spirits forever and I think that while typing this sentence I've just realized why they are so popular all of a sudden, maybe boys really are smarter than us? They are capitalizing on the fundamental difference between the genders, the fact that girls actually don't like making people feel bad about themselves, unlike jerks. I mean guys.

But above all, let us consider the future spouses of everyone involved in these emotionally scarring promposals. Think of the poor future husband of whatever girl gets an elaborate promposal. This poor guy is going to rent a hot air balloon and when he gets down on one knee, the girl will be thinking the whole time "when I was 16 I got asked to prom by a flash mob at Disney World." And guys, think of your future wives! You think a candlelit dinner at your favorite restaurant and a Tiffany & Co. ring is going to cut it when she heard from your mother that you hand designed a series of ring pops and lip-synched all the words to a One Direction song to ask your high school girlfriend to a dance? I think that just goes to show that there are no winners here people! So stop trying to make promposals happen.

Now I should probably mention that all above sassiness is partially due to the fact that I am not exactly a prom person. I sincerely hope that my wedding dress costs less than $300 so I find the prices of prom dresses these days more than absurd. And the tanning. I don't get why tan lines or pastiness in photos of a high school dance versus skin cancer is a debate.  My motto for my senior prom was "it's 12 o'clock somewhere can I go home?" If I could repeat my proms, well I wouldn't. But if I was forced at gunpoint to repeat my proms, I would wear black dresses to match my soul. So by all means, don't let me rain on your prom night.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The Secret Language of Girls

Over a year ago when I started this blog I had a post titled "More Than a Message...Decoding Girl Texts" about what girls really mean when they say certain things. To this day that post is still my most viewed although I'm willing to bet it's also my least understood because you guys still don't get it! It has recently been brought to my attention that guys need another refresher in why when a girl says that she's fine she is 2 seconds from going full Britney circa 2007.

So here is yet another list of the things girls say, what you idiots think we mean and then what we actually mean. You're welcome.


I just find it funny...
Him She thinks we have one of those cute relationships where we laugh instead of getting mad.
Her  I just find it infuriating...


"If you get a chance, could you..."
Him You don't really have to do this.
Her  Instead of stuffing your face every commercial maybe you could take the trash out? But it's fine, really, I'm not busy cooking and cleaning and doing laundry. I'm bored really! Please, let me do more.

Don't worry about it.
Him She ain't even mad.
Her  I expect apology flowers and/or chocolate at my door in less than 24 hours.

Apologize for what?
Him See? I don't even have anything to apologize for.
Her  It's such a long list, I wonder where he is going to start?

Hahahahaha
Him What is she laughing about, I asked a serious question?
Her  No. No. A million times no. Never. 

I don't like you being friends with her, she's really mean.
Him Blah blah blah "I like you" blah blah blah.
Her  I don't like you being friends with her, she's really pretty.

I forgive you.
Him We good.
Her  I hate you.

I totally understand that you didn't have time to text me back.
Him She is so chill, not like other girls at all.
Her  Because it takes 2 whole seconds, honestly who has the time these days? Hope you understand when I forget to kiss you back, jerk. 

I missed you.
Him She wants me.
Her  Care to explain why you haven't contacted me all weekend?

"No, I don't mind if you ______."
Him Good because I was gonna do it anyway.
Her  Cause why should what I want matter? Why should I matter? It's fine, go play Grand Call of Auto Duties 7.  Watch the Lakers/Patriots game, I hope Derek Jeter gets a penalty.

No, I'm not mad at you.
Him Thank goodness, she's not mad.
Her  Because I'm mad at myself for being with such a jerk.

LOL
Him Ladies love humor.
Her  I actually can't think of anything to say, so LOL @ me for liking such a complete idiot who can't make simple conversation.

It's totally fine.
Him She cool.
Her  It is anything but fine. I literally want to kill you with my bare hands right now.

Oh, you're fine. I didn't even notice you didn't text me back.
Him Oh she "didn't notice"?! At least I'm off the hook.
Her  It's only been 36 hours 8 minutes and 49 seconds.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Divergent: Which Faction Are You?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this post! This is a HUGE week for me (I'm talkin bigger than my butt at prom), but I needed this post to be good since it's following SPRING BREAK NO RULEZ so I neglected a ton of important stuff to sit down and write this post whereas I would normally be neglecting a slightly smaller ton of important stuff to watch TV and writing this post during my ethics class, cause I'm never gonna use that in the real world.

Anyways, BIG WEEK. The week after Spring Break (boo), my little brother's birthday (double digits suckas), St. Patrick's Day (who cares?), the week leading up to UNC Dance Marathon (YAY times infinity) and, fun fact, this week was also national give Rachel terrible grades week (womp womp womp).

But this week is also the premiere of the Divergent movie! So today's post is a quiz to show you which faction from the Divergent world you would belong in.

WARNING: This quiz is actually serious and not sarcastic and biting like most of my posts. Some of you are probably thinking I'm kidding right now but I cannot stress enough that the first rule of White Girl Wednesday is no joking about Divergent


1. What is the first thing you do every morning?
A make sure everyone around me is accounted for and safe
B see if anyone needs help with anything
C tell the first person I see exactly what I woke up thinking about
D jump onto a moving train or start a fight, whichever comes first
E depends on the morning
F learn something new
G whatever I want

2. What is your spirit bird?
A mother hen
B dove
C parrot
D hawk
E goose
F owl
G penguin

3. What is the one thing you would never do?
A put myself first
B start a fight
C lie to someone
D shy away from danger
E confine myself to just one clique
F remain ignorant
G be a part of the system

4. How do you show love to others?
A self-sacrifice
B compromising for them
C telling them upfront how I feel
D risking everything for them
E in as many ways as possible
F by learning everything I can about them to figure out how to make them love me
G by being myself, they can take it or leave it

5. What is the single most important trait a person should have?
A selflessness 
B peacefulness
C honesty
D bravery
E it can't be narrowed down to one
F intelligence
G uniqueness


Mostly As
Abnegation 
You always put others ahead of yourself and could never imagine being in the spotlight. You can come across as a wallflower, if anything at all, but a quiet presence like yours is worthy of great trust.

Mostly Bs
Amity
Your top priority is everyone getting along and living together in harmony. Peace on earth via agriculture is your only hobby. Strangely enough, others can find your lack of a backbone annoying and you're probably flaky enough to agree with them. 

Mostly Cs
Candor
You are brutally honest and have no problem lacing up your running shoes and getting to the point. Others often find you rude and insensitive but you like to think of yourself as just genuine.

Mostly Ds
Dauntless
You're the bravest of all and view conquering fear as life's main goal. You understand the distinction between having fears and letting them control you because everyone has fears but people who are controlled by their fears often get punched in the face by people like you.

Mostly Es/Mixed Answers
Divergent 
You can't be narrowed down to just one faction, there are parts of you that could fit in anywhere. Sometimes you feel like you don't belong anywhere but in reality you are lucky enough to belong in 2 worlds, never lose sight of that.

Mostly Fs
Erudite
You're used to being smarter than everyone around you and letting them know it. You place the pursuit of knowledge above everything else and would happily rule the world if given the chance. Remember to value others for qualities besides intelligence.

Mostly G/Mixed Answers
Factionless 
You think it's pointless to label yourself or anyone else because we are all individuals. You refuse to play by the rules. You know exactly who you are and if others are threatened by that they can build a bridge and get over it.


Thank you for permitting me to showcase my fangirl quiz. For everyone who currently feels lacking their weekly dose of white girl sass, feel free to take a look at the following, a list of famous people and characters who would be in each faction, to learn more about your placement.


Abnegation
Jesus Christ. Bill Gates. Mother Teresa. Paul Newman. 

Amity
Drew Barrymore. Peeta Mellark. Jennifer Garner. Tom Hanks. 

Candor
Samantha Jones. Kevin Hart. Tina Fey. Taylor Swift. 

Dauntless
Angelina Jolie. Indiana Jones. Milla Jovovich. Bruce Willis. 

Divergent
Harry Potter. Meryl Streep. Chris Brown. Selena Gomez.

Erudite
James Franco. Hermione Granger. Steve Martin. Natalie Portman. 

Factionless
Jennifer Lawrence. Bono. Lady Gaga. Leonardo Dicaprio.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

SPRING BREAK NO RULEZ

This week is "Ballin on a Budget Spring Break 2k14 No Ragrets" so it's fitting that the blog post this week is all of the best things that have happened on this trip so far. All of my friends are hilarious and we all fancy ourselves much funnier than we actually are (it's called Kathy Griffin syndrome). I feel like it is important that I introduce the cast of characters in this blog post first in order for everyone to appreciate the full extent of our awesomeness.

Chris - 80 inches of pure awkward who turns into "Mr. Steal Yo Phone" every night.

Kaitlin - Hurricane Kaitlin leaves a path of destruction in her wake. Hide yo food. Hide yo breakables.

Miller - AKA Jimmy Nipstron. Historian by day, Drake by night.

Austyn - Mrs. Jimmy Nipstron.

Caroline - Austyn's twin sister, my spirit animal, all around awesome.
Gavin - Knows no boundaries. Wonders how turtles mate.

Carol - Best friend. Interests include turtle care, chacos and the beach.

Taylor - Best friend. Interests include glitter, cheese and cheese again.

Andrew - Lactation expert. Don't ask.

Nate - My favorite person, he proposed to me, I said yes.

Elisabeth - Evil takes human form in Elisabeth Jones. Diva, first team, All-American. Fabulous.

John - An all around angry elf. A puzzle wrapped in an enigma.

Me - I bring out the worst in everyone. You're welcome.


"Someone needs to move all the valuables in the living room because Hurricane Kaitlin is coming Wednesday."
-Austyn

"Nate, if you pinch me one more time, I will murder your family."
-John

"Hashtag God's plan, hashtag blessed."
-Me

"Hashtag look at God."
-Caroline

"Oh my gosh! Satan, is that you? Are you on Spring Break with us?"
-Austyn to Elisabeth

"Oh, his family is done."
-John

"I'm related to Thomas Jefferson, just like every other black person."
-Elisabeth

"Can we get 3 pizzas, I want leftovers because I'm going to eat pizza for the next 5 days."
"We're not even going to be here for 5 more days."
"I know."
-Caroline, Me, Caroline

"What actor would play me in a movie? Dwayne The Rock Johnson."
-Elisabeth

"Austyn rode shotgun even though I called Rosa Parks."
"I called NAACP."
-Austyn, Elisabeth

"Oh my gosh! Doris Burke is that you?"
"That might be the meanest thing you've ever said to me."
-Me, Miller

"You're cold because girl's have poor circulation because they don't have hearts."
-Miller

"Wear pants for what?"
-Me

"This might be racist, but..."
-Elisabeth

"Miller, if you name your daughter Penny you need to know that the highest career aspirations you can have for her is to be a member of a Pussycat Dolls tribute band."
-Me

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

People Who Are Having A Worse Day Than You

As those of you who know me personally can attest, I tend to see the glass as completely empty. But I think that it is important that we all take time every day during our stupid white girl problems to remember that there is always someone out there who is having a worse day than us. And don't pretend you don't know what white girl problems are. Losing the remote. Accidentally eating 4 almonds instead of the healthy portion of 3 a day. Being forced to wear Victoria's Secret fashion leggings because all of our VS yoga leggings are dirty. So next time you get your panties in a twist because your life totally sucks ever since you finished all of the One Tree Hill episodes on Netflix, take a gander at this list.

Anyone with a tattoo of an ex's name. Bonus points if you have an ex's face.

Any high school white girl whose monogram sucks. There has to be at least one person who's monogram is "LOL". Let that sink in. When Lindsey Lee Oldham's parents were naming her back in 1997, they had no idea that monograms would become so huge. Luckily, her best friend Penelope Sarah Martin shares her aversion to monograms.

Anyone who got their hopes up when they saw that Lilo & Stitch was coming on Disney channel only to realize it was the series, not the movie.

Anyone who didn't see the "Wet Paint" sign until it was too late.

Anyone with a tattoo that is spelled wrong.

Anyone who woke up early to go to a class that got cancelled. 

The person whose job is telling Mariah Carey that she's beautiful.

Any white person currently trying and failing to dance.

Anyone who had their zodiac sign tattooed on their body before the zodiac calendar shifted a few years ago. There has to be at least one person with the wrong zodiac sign tattooed on their body.

Anyone who is at a concert with Taylor Swift and sees her trying to dance.

Any of the approximately 6.9 billion people who don't live in America. Sucks for them.

Anyone who has ever made it on a "one hit wonder" list.

Anyone who is friends with me and has to deal with me bursting into song for no apparent reason at least thrice daily.

Gunther.

Anyone who is running right now or has ran ever.

Anyone with a mullet (I'm looking at you Chase.)

and finally...
Any of the over 7 billion people out there who have never heard of this blog. Poor, unfortunate souls.