Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Model Behavior

People often ask me, "Rachel, why don't you write a book about yourself?" and that is due in large part to the fact that I don't think Abandonment Issues The Musical would be a bestseller but also because as much as I love TALKING about myself, I prefer WRITING about other things. Like my childhood. The crazy situations I find myself in. My personality. And my opinions. I guess I could write a book about myself after all.

So I'll start this week by weighing in on a recent celeb controversy. Now I love celebrity news as much as the next pathetic wannabe, but sometimes E! News and and even my best (only) friend Buzzfeed, go too far. Two models have attracted national attention recently, basically for being human beings doing their jobs. And after years of watching America's Next Top Model I am more than koalafied to discuss it.

Kendall Jenner
Kendall Jenner received a lot of backlash when she did a photo shoot as a ballerina. People were mad that Vogue Espana used a model for the photo shoot and not a real ballerina. Correct me if I'm wrong (cause I'm not)...but isn't that what models are for? I don't think Kate Moss exclusively wears Rimmel makeup. Gisele has been the face of half a dozen perfumes. Are we supposed to believe she layers them on every day? And I hate to break it to y'all, but I know for a fact that Heidi Klum doesn't take daily trips to Carl's Jr. Because I've seen her. Consumers don't want to buy products from normal people. Is anyone going to run out to buy Maybelline mascara* after viewing a close up of me? No. Book an appointment with their dermatologist? Maybe. The job of a model is to pretend. To make us rat-faced plebeians believe that if we buy the right products, we too can have legs like Karlie, cheekbones like Joan, lips like Miranda, skin like Chanel. Is the media telling us no one is allowed to pretend? I pretend every day. I pretend to be a confident, independent woman. I pretend to know the answer when my students ask me for help on their science homework. I pretend peanut butter doesn't have calories. And what about Halloween? I guess I can only dress as a teacher or internet troll or witch.

Gigi Hadid
"Gigi Hadid LASHES OUT"
"Not model behaviour. Frantic Gigi Hadid lashes out"
"Furious Gigi Hadid lashes out and elbows a fan in the face"
"Gigi Hadid aggressively lashes out and ELBOWS fan in the FACE after he tries to pick her up"

What actually happened was a total stranger picked Gigi up for several seconds until she elbowed him in the face and got away. My favorite thing about these headlines is that they all think they're being clever by using the phrase "lashes out" as if she exclusively models mascara. My least favorite thing about these headlines is that they are ridiculous and the Brits still don't know how to spell behavior. Saying she elbowed a fan makes it sound like a little girl asked for an autograph and Gigi gave her a jab to the throat. If this had happened to me, my dad (and my cousin Kelsey) would be livid if I DIDN'T elbow the guy in the face. And all of my uncles would probably sign me up for a concealed carry class within the week. People. She's a 21-year-old woman. A stalker grabbed her and she responded appropriately. Also, let's give this guy some credit. He didn't just try to pick her up. He succeeded. He literally picked her up. And homegirl got the heck outta there. Watching her walk the runway doesn't make me want to workout but seeing her smash that guy's face sure does.

In closing - it is 2016. There's a huge election coming up in 40 days. There's a Syrian refugee crisis. There's football to be watched. Blake Lively is pregnant for Pete's sake!** Can we not find more important things to talk about than people doing their job and protecting themselves?

*Maybelline has asked me to stop publicly endorsing them. I'm bad for business. So I take it back. I actually use Smaybeddine mascara.
**Who is this proverbial Pete and why is he capitalization worthy?

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

(Inter)Views From the 6

I don't have a ton of what adults would call "real world experience" but if there's two things I know, one of them is frozen yogurt toppings. Unfortunately, this blog post is about the other thing I know, and that's interviews.

I have been interviewed around 10 times but I have interviewed other people somewhere in the ballpark of 100 times. I've even interviewed someone in a ballpark! (That's a lie.) Since I identify primarily as an interviewer and not an interviewee, I am in a wonderful position to give advice on how you should answer the 6 most popular interview questions of 2016 as voted on by me.

Here are the questions I would be asking if I were interviewing literally anyone for any reason.

Are you a Kim or a Taylor? Explain.
You can honestly answer this question either way as long as your reasoning is sound.
Kim-My likes include being the center of attention, clapping back, selfies and wearing false lashes to the gas station. (SAME.)
Taylor-I like to be surrounded by an insanely large girl squad at all times and I write songs about everything that happens to me. (SAME.)

What are your weaknesses on social media?
Bad grammar? Excessive hashtags? Long captions? Overly frequent posts? As your potential employer these are things I need to know. If you have to check Instagram every 15 minutes, on the minute, that's fine. But if you feel the need to participate in #MCM or #WCW every week, we will have a problem. 

Why did your last relationship end?
Cheating? Addiction? Celebrity crushes? I gotta know. This is less about the job and more about me needing blog material. I would write about my own relationship failures but my biggest failure is that there is never a relationship to speak of.

Describe yourself in 3 memes.
Acceptable answers:
Harambe-Roses are red, I'm kind of blue because there's one less gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo.
Pizza Rat-Aren't we all pizza rat? I know I am.
Crazy Girlfriend-See above.

Unacceptable answers:
Dat Boi-It just creeps me out. The frog skin looks so waxy and frogs are disturbing. They're so fat but surprisingly agile. It's not fair.
Left Shark-I never got what was so impressive about left shark. Is he like the cultural icon of left-handed people? Because they already have Joan of Arc, Judy Garland, Jimi Hendrix AND Julia Roberts. I'm sensing a correlation between southpaws and J names.
The Most Interesting Man Alive-Everyone thinks they're the most interesting man alive. Only Cam Newton is ACTUALLY the most interesting man alive. Until you promote dental hygiene to hundreds of impressionable young fans, you can't answer with this. 

Where do you see Justin Bieber in 10 years? 
I want to know your vision for future of Canada's most questionable expat. Do you see the Biebs bankrupt? Married to Selena? Rejoining Instagram? If you answered married to Selena, please excuse yourself from the interview. Selena is a QUEEN and she deserves better.

If you could only use one Instagram filter for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
Acceptable answers: no filter, Clarendon, Moon, Lark, Juno, Crema, Amaro, Mayfair, Rise, Hudson, Valencia, X-Pro II, Lo-Fi, Inkwell, Hefe, Nashville
Unacceptable answers: Gingham, Reyes, Slumber, Ludwig, Aden, Perpetua, Sierra, Willow
Clarendon is pretty much my life because it's the first filter and I don't actually care enough to go through all the options anymore. I've really matured. I don't trust people who use Reyes or Sierra. That's gonna be a deal breaker for me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

American Horror Story Season 6

I, for one, am super excited about tonight's premiere of American Horror Story season 6. I'm so excited that I don't care if you're excited or not, I'm going to blog about it anyway. I mean I do that every week but this week it's spooooooooky. Normally the theme for the season is revealed months in advance and we all die of anticipation until the new season begins. For season 6, FX has released limited trailers that only hint at the theme. So the entire fandom has no idea what the newest season will be about. Here are my guesses.

AHS: Election 2016. Make America Afraid Again.
with Leslie Jordan as Hillary Clinton
What...a nightmare. Just when you thought our future couldn't get any scarier, a pneumonia outbreak changes the game and a mysterious new candidate named Ben Ghazi takes the stage. Narrated by Joe Biden, this season will feature the fear that only comes once every 4 years. Election day.

AHS: There's a Roach in My Room
with Cheyenne Jackson as The Ex-terminator
There's a cockroach in your room and the only exterminator available is literally your ex(-terminator). What do you do? Combat the roach alone? Cave and call your former flame? Burn the house to the ground? Resign to death? This season reveals the outcome of each of those options in an homage to Run Lola Run.

AHS: No Wifi
with Sarah Paulson as your Mom who doesn't get what the big deal is
In 2016 can you imagine anything scarier than not having wifi? I can't. Except MAYBE a Grease 3. On AHS: No Wifi, angry mom Joan Crawford forces her children to do all sorts of unspeakable chores every time they accidentally claim to be bored. Yard work. Dusting. Even...bed making. It's senseless torture, you're just going to mess the sheets up later that night. But Mama Crawford don't care.

AHS: Killer Rabbits
with Finn Wittrock as Little Bunny Foo Foo
There is nothing more horrifying than people dressed as rabbits. If you get your child's picture taken with the Easter bunny you're a monster. If the thought of Little Bunny Foo Foo scooping up those innocent meecy mice and boppin' 'em on the head doesn't terrify you then you are probably a well-adjusted adult with no lingering pet issues. In this season the scariest bunnies of all time reprise their roles. Foo Foo is joined by Donnie Darko's pal Frank, Kevin Hart as Snowball and the entire cast of Watership Down.

AHS: Courage the Cowardly Dog
with Matt Bomer voicing Courage
That show is probably scarier than The Shining, The Exorcist, Psycho and Stephen King's middle school diary put together. And it was shown to children! I STILL can't eat eggplants! (I mean I didn't exactly eat them before but after, not a chance.) This continuation will show the devastating effects of humans ignoring Courage's warnings for years. Katz, Cajun Fox, that alien chicken, the duckling...I'm starting to understand my aforementioned lingering pet issues.

AHS: Insane Clown Posse
with Kathy Bates as Violent J
I know that we already had a killer clown in season 4, AHS: Freak Show, but his character arc is so sympathetic and It is being remade and there are scary clown sightings in North Carolina so why not? On AHS: Insane Clown Posse the Juggalos and Juggalettes and Juggakids and Juggapets use sinister tricks to get ahead in the wrestling industry. You can't spell Insane Clown Posse without insane.

AHS: Accidentally Liking Your Ex's Old Instagram Photo
with Angela Basset as Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
What could be scarier than that? And unlike moving into a haunted house, getting sent to an insane asylum, practicing witchcraft, joining the circus or becoming a vampire, this is something that could happen to any of us at any time. There are hundreds of victims every day. In this technologically terrifying season, Angela Basset's thumb is in the wrong place at the wrong time. Before she can unlike the post, Instagram crashes. In her post-double tap hysteria she gets a snapchat from her ex, but only the notification. This season follows her as she waits for the snapchat to load for an impossibly long 13 minutes.

I also wanted to let you all know that my brother released an album on iTunes yesterday (The CPD Project by Wurdship). Being the amazing older sister that I am, I am giving him a shout out even though he didn't even mention this blog in his album. At least I don't think he did...I haven't listened to it yet.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Sharknado Sequels

Sharknado 5:  Jacksonado
Set in the past, during the peak of the Jackson 5's popularity, this sharknado rips through a particularly brilliant performance of I Want You Back. The Jackson brothers are sucked up and twirling in the sky with sharks as their father races to save his money, I mean sons.
Cameos: Janet Jackson, Tito Jackson, La Toya Jackson, chainsaw

Sharknado 6: Sharknado Alley
Sharknados tear through the midwest in this action-packed sequel. When FEMA is incompetent as usual, professional athletes are called in to save the day and potentially do something worthwhile to earn their nine-figure salaries. Will they come in clutch or choke?
Cameos: Jamaal Charles, Dirk Nowitzki, Russell Westbrook, chainsaw

Sharknado 7: 7 Deadly Fins
When an unexpected sharknado hits Proverbia, Illinois, the government evacuates the local psychiatric institution to give the patients a chance at survival. Reuniting with the general population for the first time in decades, the liberated patients have to battle their reputations as well as each other. And also sharks.
Cameos: Abraham Lincoln (impersonator), Barack Obama (real deal), chainsaw

Sharknado 8: That Figures
The sharknado is back and this time it's circling the same part of the Pacific Northwest in a figure 8 pattern during music festival season. As the tiger shark twisters interrupt Fest by Northwest, the bands sacrifice their amps, but never their Starbucks, in an attempt to blow these bullies out of the sky.
Cameos: Death Cab for Cutie, Modest Mouse, Sir Mix-a-Lot, chainsaw

Sharknado 9: Sharks Have 9 Lives
In this continuation every shark must be impaled no fewer than 9 times to be killed when a sharknado hits Hollywood. Celebs must form squads of 9 to make it out alive and the claws will come out as they fight over mutual friends.
Cameos: Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, chainsaw

Sharknado 10: The Only 10 I See
A sharknado rips through a Tennessee beauty pageant, picking up all the hairspray, acrylic nails, fake lashes, wigs and eyeliner in its path. Spray tans will run. And so will you.
Cameos: Olivia Culpo, Donald Trump, Miss Teen South Carolina 2007*, chainsaw
*Y'all thought 2007 was a rough year for Britney? South Carolina had it way worse.

Click here to fill out a (super short) Google form telling me what you want to read about on White Girl Wednesday! Believe it or not, sometimes I run out of ideas. Or sometimes I blog about Hamilton thrice in a few months. So I want to know what YOU want. (But I cannot promise to honor it.)

Wednesday, August 31, 2016


In honor of the one-person production of Hamilton that I am BEGGING my school to let me produce-they keep rejecting the idea, throwing around terms like "STUDENT casting only" and "physically impossible" and "legal issues"-I've created an astrology chart so you can match your stars to your favorite Hamilton characters. Some of you will end up as Peggys. I'm sorry. Remember there are no small roles only virtually unnecessary ones.

Aries - The Bold
Hamilton character - Hercules Mulligan
Hamilton song - Yorktown (The World Turned Upside Down)
You're a vibrant individual who will stop at nothing and you make a mean "yo mamma" joke. But you also have a tendency to introduce yourself and then tell everyone that you "need no introduction" so make up your mind.

Taurus - The Generous
Hamilton character - Marquis de Lafayette
Hamilton song - Guns and Ships
You're the real star (at least of Disc 1). An amazing friend, you are adored by all for your selflessness and willingness to lend a hand. (Did I mention I'm a Taurus?) Always happy to spare some ammo to help out a friend, no one has "more resilience or matches [your] practical tactical brilliance". At least no one that I can think of.

Gemini - The Expressive
Hamilton character - Maria Reynolds
Hamilton song - Say No To This
You have no problem telling everyone what you want, what you do have a problem with is respecting boundaries and spelling your name phonetically. (Mariah = Mariah, Maria = Maria) (I trust that you all read those names in your head with the appropriate pronunciations) I guess when you sang "I don't know about any letter!" that was in reference to the letter H?

Cancer - The Nurturer
Hamilton character - Eliza Schuyler Hamilton
Hamilton song - That Would Be Enough
You just want everyone to get along and let you take care of them. You really are the "best of wives and best of women" and they always get cheated on! (See: Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock, Halle Berry) You may also be a did you know Philip would be a boy? I did some research, they did not have ultrasounds back then. I'm still on hold with the MythBusters but definitely looking into this.

Leo - The Confident
Hamilton character - King George III
Hamilton song - You'll Be Back
Your confidence, while charming, is misplaced. You're like the Voldemort to George Eacker's Umbridge. But I am going to have to try your strategy of killing "friends and family to remind you of my love" this Valentine's Day. It sounds cheaper than flowers/chocolate.

Virgo - The Practical
Hamilton character - Angelica Schuyler
Hamilton song - Satisfied
You're a master puppeteer, pulling all the strings so that what should happen, does. A trophy wife after my own heart, you know what qualities really count in a man. Like money. And not being married to your sister. And more money. When men say you're "intense" or "insane" what they really mean is "intimidating" and (still) "insane".

Libra - The Fair
Hamilton character - George Washington
Hamilton song - One Last Time
Noble. Brave. Capable. Incomparable. With wisdom far beyond your years (or your nation's years) you set the precedent. Here's to your "own vine and fig tree, a moment alone in the shade" and giving that punk Charles Lee a good what for. Don't EVER talk about the pride of Mount Vernon like that again.

Scorpio - The Intense
Hamilton character - Alexander Hamilton
Hamilton song - My Shot
Young. Scrappy. Hungry (aren't we all?). You're an amazing supporting character since we all know Angelica is the star of the show. One tiny suggestion - if you're gonna sing about not throwing away your shot for an entire musical...maybe take your own advice? Or maybe stop imagining death, that was like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Sagittarius - The Independent
Hamilton character - John Laurens
Hamilton song - Aaron Burr, Sir
Those red coats don't want it with you. You knew "we'll never be free until we end slavery" long before the rest of the nation came around because you're an independent thinker. But you really should have shot Charles Lee in the mouth..."that would've shut him up".

Capricorn - The Focused
Hamilton character - Aaron Burr
Hamilton song - Wait For It
You sir, make some excellent points. But you also kill Hamilton which kind of cancels out the lyrical genius of "I'm not standing still I am lying in wait." We all have frenemies. We don't all shoot our frenemies in a duel because we're mad no one trusts us after a lifetime of lying. (Okay some of us do but that can't become the norm or civilization will collapse.)

Aquarius - The Bright
Hamilton character - Thomas Jefferson
Hamilton song - What'd I Miss
You're exceptionally brilliant, my only complaint is that you're a Francophile. (Okay, a few other complaints but let's not get into that now) Your bromance with James Madison is adorable, your defense of slavery is not. And don't make Sally open your mail. If you can write the Declaration of Independence I think you can manage reading your own letters. Although to be fair, I guess mail theft wasn't a federal crime back then.

Pisces - The Peaceful
Hamilton character - Peggy Schuyler
Hamilton song - The Schuyler Sisters
You're probably a teacher's pet who has never been out past curfew. Which is awesome! (In case my little brothers are reading this.) You just want to stay out of trouble and that's really all there is to say about you because "well-behaved women seldom make history" -Kim Kardashian.

* Today marked not an end but a (God willing, brief) pause to the Ham4Ham live performances. If you have yet to see Renee (my queen) Elise Goldsberry perform the scrapped track Congratulations, do yourself a favor and head over to YouTube.

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

Back to School

This week some of my former students are starting college. I think that's supposed to make me feel old but I'm still a 12 year old at heart so I'm just jealous of them. In the spirit of going back to school, I wanted to write a post about some of the most cringe-worthy moments of my collegiate career to show freshmen that college isn't so scary. No matter how many times you make a complete fool of yourself, you will survive. So read about me being completely ridiculous, realize how awesome and relatively unscathed I am now and remember that what doesn't kill you makes you funnier.

Picture it. Junior year. I have recently been appointed to the 2015 Executive Board of the Carolina For the Kids Foundation. I'm scampering around campus with that I'm-important glow, preparing for another afternoon of subchair interviews. I'm with some friends in the CFTK office when they see their friend Hunter (name has not been changed, anonymity is for punks). My crazy friends who have known me for all of a week at this point, dare me to go give him a pickup line. How did they know I would do it? Like I said, they'd known me for a full week so they knew daring me was a sure thing. I politely walk up to poor Hunter who was just trying to study, bless his heart, and ask "On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?" wait for him to respond that he isn't that free because he has a test and then walk away. Once back in the office, I promptly friend him on my newly created Facebook and then send him an engagement request. Later that day, after several well wishes from our Facebook friends, the poor kid has his subchair interview with me and my friends who put me up to all of this. So we of course decide to make it a comfortable environment for him by decorating the interview room in honor of our love.

Yeah that's a dry erase save the date for our impending nuptials. In his interview I introduced myself as his fiance and asked the follow up question "You said you had a test tomorrow so you're not free tonight. Would you consider that communist China not free or North Korea not free or what?" That initial meeting aside, I assure you we went on to become great friends. 

Pics cause it happened.

Fast forward to the start of senior year. I had finally made friends, had a foolproof path to graduation, had my own CFTK really should have been my time. So explain this.
You're currently looking at a picture of me using a shirt pocket as a cup holder. 
This is a triple extra large shirt that I wore (wear) as a dress.
Sassy photo courtesy of Jean-Luc.

Next we have the time I fell down in the Pit during CRW. CRW stands for committee recruitment week. All week I was supposed to convince students to sign up to join my committee and essentially hang out slash work with me. I had one job. Instead the bricks tripped me up and I ended up on the ground, in the center of campus while probably hundreds of potential committee members looked on, drawn in by my charisma.

I stayed down longer than I'm proud of. 

The good news is that I then became this meme (again thanks to Jean-Luc) that I believe is widely used to recruit new students to UNC.

Despite the above incident, I did end up with a wonderful committee! I was obsessed with all of my committee members so I planned a committee bonding retreat, baked some snacks and invited them all to my house. Here's some pics of all the fun we had that night.

 Wow! Hope I made enough food!

Me and all my friends.
I had to eat all the cookies I made by myself. That's not exactly a complaint.

I'm starting to realize most of these involve Dance Marathon in some capacity. The next picture that makes me wonder how I have friends was taken after Theme Reveal, a party where we wear costumes to announce the theme for the upcoming year. Our theme was "dare to discover" so I dressed as a scuba diver. And then I refused to change when everyone else did because being a scuba diver is cool! If you saw me on Franklin Street that night, you're welcome.

I didn't actually try to drink my Dr. Pepper with lemon through the snorkel. 
But I seriously considered it.

I saved the best for last. Sophomore year I had a root canal. It went horribly wrong. I'm going to let the pictures speak for themselves. 

You thought I was exaggerating didn't you?

I went to class like this. 
Not because I'm an excellent student but because I just don't care.

*I do feel it is important to mention that I was not actually embarrassed by any of these incidents. Momentarily stunned, briefly taken aback at my own ineptitude perhaps but never embarrassed. I believe it to be a wasted emotion. Kind of like all the other emotions.

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Leaving Rio

Although I am not yet ready to accept that there will be life after Rio, deep down I know that at the end of this week all the athletes will go home and leave me more deflated than Brazil's economy. In order to ease the transition, I have come up with great post-retirement ideas for some of our favorite athletes even though I hope they never retire. I'm just trying to be a good sport.*

Gabby Douglas - Lipstick Mogul
Kylie's kits may have a choke hold on Calabasas, but Gabby's lips rocked Rio. (That was a really good sentence displaying both Kardashian knowledge and keen alliteration. No one would judge you if you read it again.) With her name recognition and perfect pout, I'm seeing an empire. Video tutorials, lipsticks, lip liners, Snapchat filters, a spread in Vogue, friendship with Taylor Swift. The sky is the limit. (That's also the name of a sky blue lipstick she will release late 2017.)

Michael Phelps - Cupping Spokesperson
He's already done more for this medical phenomenon than the 4 out of 5 doctors who recommend it. When Phelps returns from Rio he can spend plenty of time with his adorable son Boomer and bring home the bacon, eggs, pizzas and burgers needed to fuel the most decorated Olympian of all time by making a few promotional Instagram posts a month.

Aly Raisman & Simone Biles - Celebrity Hair Stylists
These 2 work so well together and after years of practice they are obviously experts at crafting buns that really stick it. If Aly & Simone were creating your top knot you would get to listen in on their banter and know that your updo can withhold a gold-medal-winning routine.

Katie Ledecky - Delivery Specialist
Stay with me here. When Amazon Prime isn't going to cut it and overnight delivery is unavailable, we send out Katie Ledecky. For a pretty penny she will swim your order to you in 60 minutes or less. Not home to sign for your package? No worries. Katie is used to waiting.

Marta Karolyi - Interrogation Specialist
Something about that woman...I just want to please her. I would give up any and all state secrets to have the light of her smile shining on me for the most glorious second of my life. If you can maintain your poker face while Marta glares at you then you've earned your freedom.

Nathan Adrian - Dental Model
To quote Louise Belcher, "he's the reason faces were invented" and his smile makes me wish I had already gotten the jaw surgery I so desperately need. If he ever moves to a country where nice teeth aren't a priority (not naming any names) (Britain) then he could always be an ab model. 

Laurie Hernandez - Reality Television Show
Laurie has so much personality and really didn't get enough screen time in Rio. For her E! series I envision a lot of family, friends and fleekness. Eyeliner/eyebrow vines? Beam for beginners? Fro-yo? Honestly, I would watch her read a magazine or grocery shop.

Leslie Jones - Leslie Jones
No changes necessary. I just want Leslie Jones to continue doing her for the rest of forever. I think we should send her to every international competition or maybe make her an ambassador. As long as her ambassador duties never infringe on the SNL season or her Twitter time. 

Ashton Eaton & Brianne Theisen-Eaton - Daytime Talk Show Hosts
These 2 are adorable and you know it. If their relationship can survive representing 2 different countries at the Olympics, it can survive anything. For this power couple, I'm thinking a Dr. Phil/Fear Factor hybrid. Couples will receive relationship advice after winning intense physical competitions. The working title is Tough Love. 

Kerri Walsh Jennings - Lifestyle Blog
I look at Kerri Walsh Jennings and I just think "Now there is a woman who always remembers to wash her hair. That's a woman who wakes up at 6, does some yoga on the beach, goes for a run and serves her kids an organic, nutritious, homemade breakfast by 8. A woman who somehow, inexplicably, never tracks sand in the house." and I know that she would have amazing advice on everything from dressing with permanent tan lines to building female friendships. 

Madison Kocian - Cirque du Soleil
As Team USA's uneven bars silver medalist, Madison could easily transition to performing with Cirque. As long as the performances leave her with plenty of time to make appearances on Laurie's show, this is a win/win. 

Megan Rapinoe - Soccer Camp Coordinator
Megan Rapinoe is adorable. Her happiness makes me happy. And that's huge considering I typically resent the good fortune of others. Schadenfreude aside, I want Rapinoe, Becky Sauerbrunn, Alex Morgan, Meghan Klingenburg, Carli Lloyd, Christen Press and Tobin Heath to play soccer forever but if they absolutely must retire, I want to be able to follow them around the country in a socially-acceptable manner. And if that means forcing my children into multiple soccer camps then that is a sacrifice I am willing to make. 

Chinese Gymnasts - High Schoolers
After Rio the Chinese women's gymnastics team has a bright future ahead as they begin their high school careers. That is all.

Did you read this post desperately hoping I would offer some much-needed advice on your potential life path? Do you feel jaded that at the moment I only offer career advice to Olympic athletes? Frankly that's a little sad but you can click this link to find your Olympic match based on age, height, weight and gender. My Olympic matches were Brazilian gymnast Flavia Saraiva, Australian swimmer Bronte Campbell and Israeli javelin thrower Marharyta Dorozhon. I'm not privy to the intricacies of how the BBC's Olympic-pairing algorithm works but I think this means that if you add their weights together it would equal mine.

*False. I've already sworn off the nations of Sweden & Brazil after soccer & volleyball defeats.