Wednesday, March 22, 2017

I Might Name My Firstborn Fetzer

In 2 days, Robert Allison Fetzer Hall will host the biggest party of the year yet again. In anticipation, rumination, and most importantly, celebration, allow me to take you on a photo journey of (a small part of) my Dance Marathon experience. And since I know he's going to immediately Command+F his name, Brendan Brendan Brendan Brendan.


Recruiting is an important part of what we do. We have 3 recruitment weeks every year and they are So. Much. Fun. You'd be surprised what you can learn about a person just by talking to them for an hour. Or sharing a bear costume. I don't have any actual statistics but I wanna say this look recruited tons of dancers.

We also dance in costumes. And in videos like this one.

Setting up for Dance Marathon involves hours upon hours of duct taping banners. After about 90 minutes you will lose most of your fingerprints but hey, now you're one step closer to leading a successful international life of crime. You're welcome.
 

Speaking of duct tape, I was in charge of the duct tape back in 2015. And that also meant I was in charge of calculating the total mileage of duct tape used. If you have no idea why that is important you can watch this video. Doing the complex multiplication required of me was too much and I had to rely on Brendan's superior mathematical abilities. So I purchased this math readiness workbook and luckily at Dance Marathon there is always a homework room for like-minded individuals who need to hit the books.


One of my personal favorite things about Dance Marathon is that it forces people to be friends with me. Like Chelsea here. I tried to be friends with Chelsea way back in 2011 during our first year of college. Chelsea was having none of it. Fast forward 3 years and we're on the same Exec Board. And just look at how thrilled she is to be friends with me now! You can run but you can't hide, future friends!

Sometimes, your committee members/friends/subchairs/exec board will make memes of you. And it's because they love you. Trust me. We're not a cult, we're a family. A family that acts like a cult. Also, for the record, trying to get coffee donated is super hard. Like harder than picking an Instagram filter and way harder than raising $150.
 

You may become the focal point of multiple memes. I just wanted a cute pic with my amazing subchairs but I kept getting radioed because I was so important. Life is hard. Another reason this picture took so long to capture...during the first take Kelly kept throwing mayonnaise packets at us because we had a ridiculous amount of that particular condiment. You know, just SNL stuff.
 

Also, I was visited by a dementor during the 2015 marathon. Who knew?

Confession time. I've been arrested for dancing.

 Twice.

Dance Marathon was featured in the UNC yearbook in 2015 and maybe every other year, how would I know? Did you guys know that colleges had yearbooks? I had no idea and I'm IN the yearbook. I think that's what P!nk meant by "too school for cool."

The Dance Marathon (now Carolina For the Kids Foundation) office is were a lot of the action happens. It's where we studied when the libraries closed, where we napped when running a non-profit turned out to be pretty exhausting, where I proposed to Hunter and got a hard no. And in our office I even had my own office. Right by the trashcan.

Sometimes, if you're really, really lucky, someone will hand you a microphone and put you on stage! And I think the fact that I eventually gave that microphone back really proves my love for this organization.

Since I was kind enough to return the microphone in 2015, in 2016 they let me emcee with Jean-Luc and even painted us a banner. I felt like royalty. Emceeing the marathon had been my dream since I was a cute little 18-year-old attending her first marathon, hanging out in the squash courts and fangirling over DJ Ever.

Do you need another reason to participate in a Dance Marathon near you? We eat a lot of pizza. At the marathon, before the marathon, after the marathon. The good news is pretty girls don't pay for pizza. You can quote me on that. And as a dancer you will be provided with food every few hours, free of charge.

Another reason? Meeting incredible individuals. My involvement with Dance Marathon allowed me to take not 1, not 2, but SEVERAL selfies with Chancellor Carol Folt, my fashion icon. This woman is so kind, owns AND wears more than 3 outfits, has a permanent parking space on campus and has perfected the art of the selfie. She's basically my hero. Please note that my parents Sonya & Jean-Luc are so proud in the background.

My favorite freaks. The 2015 Exec Board. These guys are wonderful (foolish?) enough to still be my friends after an entire year of me treating the Pope Room like my own stand-up comedy show. BTW - guess where we parked? If you guessed right in front of this sign, you're right! And to think...this was taken BEFORE the night got weird.

This photo shows the most perfect human ever created...and me. That sentence took a turn didn't it? My "big" Hope has her own blog and it's everything this blog isn't. Professional, informative, thoughtful and elegant. When I include pictures it's due to a combination of sheer laziness and narcissistic vanity. Hope's pictures look like they're straight out of I'm a Professional Baker and a Professional Photographer Monthly which is a magazine I just made up. For an entire year I got to be "the new Hope" even though trying to achieve that level of excellency was hopeless.

And of course my fabulous committee members who were kind enough to recreate our epic committee dance in public with me. Kelly put down the mayonnaise packets for a night out with us.

 Basically, people who do Dance Marathon are my heroes.

To check out some of my other Dance Marathon blog posts you can click here, here, here, here, and here.
And if you want to donate to my dancer total you can click here

Thank you! Love & FTK.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Myers Briggs: Bob's Burgers



ISTJ - The Examiner
Dr. Yap 
He examines teeth and for a minute there he examined Gayle's heart. He also owns a sick Jacuz. And doesn’t it make us all feel better to think that not flossing is providing millions in the dental care industry with jobs?
Quote: "Welcome to the Yap Trap."

ISFJ - The Defender
Jairo 
His capoeira skills are so incredible that they'll make you poop your pants. If you're Bob. And that hair! Although he probably went on to be a creepy cult leader, he made Tina at the very least slightly less physically awkward.
Quote: "Jairo says he can hypnotize animals. But only if they want to be hypnotized. Which they almost always do." -Tina

INFJ - The Counselor
Mr. Frond 
He's literally the guidance counselor. And figuratively a "tall drink of annoying." If Mr. Frond doesn’t end up with Gayle there is no justice in this cruel world.
Quote: "I'm a knitter, not a quitter!"

INTJ - The Strategist
Tammy Larsen
This girl knew she had to dye her hair blonde to be popular. She's an ace reporter and dare I say it, a budding zoologist.
Quote: "Anything that's not a dog is a cat to me."

ISTP - The Craftsman
Gene Belcher
He's not the sharpest key on the keyboard, bless his heart. But what he lacks in manners, intelligence, social aptitude and physical strength he makes up for in gorgeous table-scapes.
Quote: "Queen Latifah give me strength."

ISFP - The Artist
Aunt Gayle
Gayle was creative enough to invent her own board game, Gayle Force Winds! She loves painting, her cats, anything Linda has and Scott Bakula. In no particular order.
Quote: "My cat was right about you."

INFP - The Dreamer
Tina Belcher 
Tina really vacillates between soul-crushing shyness and spurts of ridiculously excessive confidence, but she always stays true to herself, her horses and her friend fiction.
Quote: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

INTP - The Architect
Jimmy Pesto, Sr.
This fake Italian was possibly Rachel Dolezal's inspiration. If he spent more time on his menu and less time antagonizing Bob, the show might be called Jimmy's Gnocchi.
Quote: "I hope this stand off ends pizza-fully!"

ESTP - The Promoter
Teddy 
Teddy is such a loyal friend, if Bob had a blog Teddy would probably read it. Teddy eats one of Bob's burgers every day. That's love. I eat my best friend's food every day too but that's just because she doesn't guard her groceries.
Quote: "Why do men have to ruin everything?"

ESFP - The Performer
Jimmy Pesto, Jr.
Love him or hate him you've got to admit that J-Ju can dance! I can only hope that someday two guys will have a dance-off for my love.
Quote: "I kissed her first and you kissed her worst."

ENFP - The Champion
Gretchen 
I like to think of Gretchen as Tammy after 20 years and 2 ex-husbands. She knows what she wants, goes after it, and rarely gets it but keeps on keeping on. She has the confidence of a champion and the manners of an individual known for having terrible manners.
Quote: "Hey do you guys have a lost and found?"
Linda: "Yeah, why? What did you lose?"
"15 pounds! Look at me!"

ENTP - The Inventor
Bob Belcher 
Chef Bob whips up some pretty interesting burgers. My personal favorite is the Chorizo Your Own Adventure Burger.
Quote: “Listen, you’re my children and I love you, but you’re all terrible at what you do here."

ESTJ - The Supervisor
Darryl
Darryl supervises Bob's transformation from loser adult obsessed with the arcade game Burgerboss to...well there wasn't much of a transformation but he tried.
Quote: "I'm not a nerd! I'm a video game enthusiast!"

ESFJ - The Provider
Linda Belcher 
Whether she's coaching synchronized swimming, singing to her kids or partaking in some other mom-sense, Linda is the ultimate provider for her family.
Quote: “Oooh, mini croissants. No matter what I say, stop me when I’ve had 16.”

ENFJ - The Teacher
Josh
I know there are quite a few actual teacher characters to choose from but Josh taught Tina how to love. That's way more important than algebra.
Quote: "Come on Tina, we've got reservations at a frozen yogurt stand."

ENTJ - The Maverick
Louise Belcher  
Slapping crushes, inciting fake anthrax panic, torturing her siblings. Louise is the ultimate puppet master and there's nothing she can't do. Except go to the dentist.
Quote: "Quiet dignity? Have you met us?

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

The Ceiling is Most Definitely NOT the Roof

This is my best friend Brendan. 


You might recognize him from the charming yet disturbing cutout of his face I made to take to events he cannot attend with me on account of him (rather selfishly) living in the brutal tundra of Boston.



He came home (to Chapel Hill) this weekend and varying amounts of hilarity ensued. Let's start at the beginning.


He didn't text me back for a full 12 hours because he loves me so much. Even though we've been friends for 2 years he's still playing hard to get. Of course, we could have been friends much sooner...


This picture was taken at the beginning of our sophomore year of college. At this point in his collegiate career Brendan was known only as Batman snapback guy. See if you can spot him in this picture!

Fast forward 2 weeks and we're joined by Evan, Chelsea and Shakeia after some slight directional issues and questionable guest behavior.


Before the game we  got to celebrate the engagement of our friends Logan and Ellie! I'm so happy for them because I know that even if Ellie goes blind she will always be able to recognize Logan since she has been practicing touching his face against his will for months. This is how happy Logan and I are that Ellie said yes!


Later that night we were standing for hours (having DM flashbacks) watching the UNC-dook game with hundreds of our closest friends and 1 or 2 former classmates that we avoided like the plague. Actually, Brendan avoids everyone like the plague because he's an introvert who hates almost all human interaction. I even found out during this visit that when we first met he hated me. You know, shocking as it may seem, I'm actually hearing that more and more lately. Apparently my energy and aggressive friendliness is "off-putting" even though it totally worked for Ted Bundy.

While we're watching the game at one of our favorite college hangouts, a handful of dook fans walk in. I'm not sure why dook fans would choose to watch the game in Chapel Hill but actually I am because I would much rather be in Chapel Hill too. Unfortunately for them, they A) go to dook and B) were sighted by Chelsea. By the time I forced my way through the Halloween-level crowd to get to her she was asking all the guys wearing dook shirts what part of New Jersey they were from. When they said they weren't from New Jersey she asked where they were from. One guy made the mistake of saying Pittsburgh and Chelsea (whose family is also from Pittsburgh) yelled "Northerner!" at him.

Mere minutes after I got her to stop harassing those poor Jersey boys she found a new victim, a guy wearing a Durham Bulls hat that closely resembled Satan's blue. I tried to help him, I really did, but this guy should have considered his wardrobe choices more carefully. Wearing anything vaguely darker than royal blue in Chapel Hill is social suicide.

For a brief moment when Chelsea wasn't busy yelling obscenities at Durham residents we actually made a new friend in the bathroom. She was a fellow Slytherin and as we bonded over Harry Potter tattoos I discovered that I could use the Dyson airblade as a wind machine to practice for my inevitable modeling career, much to the delight of the 2 women waiting in line.

After what felt like an eternity (in my feet and everyone else's heart) UNC won the sportsball game and we ran all the way to Franklin Street. Luckily for me Franklin Street (and Yopo) was only about 20 feet away.


There was a fire, a couch, a drink thrown, a drone camera and zero room for personal space.
It was (the southern part of) heaven.

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

O Em G

Today's blog post is brought to you by a high school Spanish class, JV basketball, Kesha (actually, back then she was Ke$ha) and a ton of questionable decisions. (And also Emily was jealous that Liz was mentioned in this blog and I had nothing to write about on account of having had very few life experiences in the past 7 days.)

Emily and I met in high school, at the beginning of freshmen year. A few weeks into the semester I realized that she was in 3 of my 4 classes. (I'm not very observant.) I remember that my first impression of Emily was "wow, this girl has an awful lot of Hollister t-shirts." For the first month of school I swear she wore a Hollister t-shirt under a spaghetti strap dress every single day. As far as 14-year-old me was concerned, she was rich! This girl could afford not 1, not 2, but DOZENS of Hollister t-shirts. What was she? An heiress? When I asked Emily what her first impression of me was she didn't remember because she obviously loves me less than I love her. But if she had to guess, she said "I probably didn't like you because you were confident and loud and that made me nervous." Sounds about right.

In any event, a beautiful friendship began. Here we are, 10 years later. Much to our dismay we still have yet to star in an E! Women Who Snapped special but there have been quite a few close calls and even more trips to Arby's and T.J. Maxx.


 
DECAstated
Our friendship really kicked into high gear thanks to DECA. Unlike basketball, this was something we were actually good at. So we bonded over our success and really committed to finding business professional clothes on sale at Belk (she's not actually an heiress, I was catfished). in this picture, taken EXACTLY 6 years ago today, we had just won 1st place at our state competition, securing 2 tickets to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter (I mean Orlando) to compete internationally. They award trophies to the top 20 students at international competition so when our names weren't called we proceeded to tell everyone that we came in 21st. Not too shabby.


Easy-Cake
Emily and I are especially skilled at celebrating birthdays, if you can consider that a skill. In this picture, Emily and some of our other friends went to a concert to celebrate her 20th birthday. I didn't have a ticket so I stayed home and watched Dragon Tales with our friend Lupay until everyone got back. One year, for Liz's birthday, we decided to treat her to a Rachel and Emily original. We used Emily's Easy-Bake Oven to make a simple vanilla cake. It was very minimalist and as elegant as any lightbulb-baked dessert could be. Or at least it was before we discovered the can of red frosting. Our decorations were what you might call "a bit much." The final product had strings of dried icing held up with toothpicks mounted in Rolos. It really was spectacularly hideous and no one ate it but you know what they say, it's the icing to cake ratio that counts.



DEFCON 1
Please note the beautiful curls in this photo. In high school we went through a big phase of doing full hair and makeup before any public outing. And by big phase I mean the first week of summer because we were so bored. The rest of the year we really couldn't care less. In order to create the luxurious waves seen above I only needed a pair of gloves, 3 claw clips, a curling wand, a can of hairspray and an hour. One morning we were getting ready to go to the mall in Greensboro, a favorite haunt of ours, when I stepped on said curling wand while it was on. Probably one of the worst pains I have ever experienced. Right up there with the toothache leading up to my 2nd root canal and the heartache of Brad and Jen's divorce. To this day if I step on anything cylindrical I will freak out.

 
We Like Our Money Where We Can See It...
...hanging in our closets. We love to shop. A lot. Some would say too much. One of our favorite places to shop in high school was Apex because that was the nearest Target and I'm not even a little bit embarrassed by that. I got my driver's license about 3 months before Emily so for the summer before our junior year of high school I drove us all over central NC. Anyone who has ever been a passenger in my car and lived to tell the tale can assure you that God is real. My terrible driving is made worse by my horrible sense of direction. It took Emily a good year to teach me how to get to Apex from her house which consisted of literally 4 turns.



Timeflies When You're Obsessed
This lovely photo was taken at a Timeflies concert in Carrboro our senior year of college. Emily and I had been obsessed with Timeflies Tuesday since freshman year. They finally came to NC and we (along with Liz) had to get tickets. At the concert we somehow ended up talking to their videographer/childhood BFF because Liz has a way of finding the important people. After Liz convinced him we were soulmates because we both love Jeopardy!, we enjoyed the concert and walked around Chapel Hill for a few hours after the show, hoping to run into Cal and Rez to no avail. And if it's not successful, it's not stalking.


Let this blog post show that if you are a close, personal friend of mine who wants to become famous worldwide, all you have to do is ask. I'm huge in France now.

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

The AcadeME Awards

Confession: I haven't seen any of the movies getting Oscar buzz. A lot of them sound super sad and I just don't see how La La Land can live up to the hype. Look at what happened to the Titanic - the actual ship, not the film, that was a massive success. So I decided to make up my own Academy Awards with categories I actually care about. If you are particularly passionate about sound mixing or production design, please comment below and I'll gladly delete that comment. Just kidding. I don't know how to delete comments.

Best Abs
Gods of Egypt
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates was a really close second, but have you guys seen Gods of Egypt? Two words. Jaime Lannister. This film is now my 3rd favorite thing vaguely related to Egyptian mythology after The Mummy ride at Universal and Osiris skate shoes. (I was so fake emo in middle school, but weren't we all?)

Best Attempt at Making Jane Austen Resonate With Younger Generations
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies
Most of my students can quote some ruffian who calls himself Lil Uzi Vert but have no idea who Jane Austen is. That breaks my heart. People are really into zombies and some guy named Glenn these days so I remain hopeful. My little cousin had a zombie-themed party...which I thought was a costume party. What can I say? I commit.


Best Blatant Rip-Off of This Very Blog
How To Be Single
Perhaps some readers will recall my blogpost back in June of 2015 with the same name. If not, click here. The movie was good but it went way off script. I wrote nothing about having a secretly rich friend or even a job. Rebel Wilson was hilarious as usual but I thought Alison Brie's neurotic, female Ted Mosby-type really stole the show. It was like looking at a better-dressed and less pathetic me.

Biggest Disappointment
The Divergent Series: Allegiant 
This movie wasn't all bad. For instance, we saw a lot more of Miles Teller, one of my top 5 celebrity crushes. But I got confused (and exhausted) with all the running around. I loved these books and the first two films but this one left me wanting less action and more...I don't know, but not action.

Best Film Adaptation of a Book I Read
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
Fantastic Beasts had an edge over The 5th Wave because it resulted in a ton of new Harry Potter merch, which gave me the perfect excuse to again ask my mother for a Harry Potter-themed wedding. She still says no. Actually she says I need to get engaged first. She's a savage.

Best Makeup Inspiration
Alice Through the Looking Glass
Urban Decay came out with an amazing eyeshadow palette inspired by this Tim Burton sequel. But despite what my 14-year-old self thought, I will never be the type of girl who can pull of blue eyeshadow. Fortunately, I'm also not the type of girl who cares how my eyeshadow looks. And I went through a big magenta phase to prove it.

Best Movie That My Dad Would Actually Watch
Free State of Jones
I feel pretty confident in saying that this is probably the only film released in the last decade and not produced by a church that my father didn't hate. And since his favorite film of all time is Stripes you know he's a very discerning movie critic. 

Best Sequel
Now You See Me 2
Sorry Zoolander 2 and Finding Dory, but I gotta go with Now You See Me 2. I LOVED the first film and this one was even better because Lizzy Caplan is a talent who graces our theaters too seldom. There was cardistry, legerdemain and between Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson, so much snark. If you wanna hang out with me, I am always down to watch this again. 

Best Social Commentary Disguised as a Children's Film
Zootopia
I've seen this 3 times. I still tear up thinking about its message of acceptance, fighting stereotypes and Shakira. Judy and Nick are pretty great but my favorite character is Fru Fru the shrew. I'm really hoping she gets a spinoff. Called Shrewtopia. I'm sorry, I don't blame you if you stop reading here.

Best Soundtrack
Moana
Lin-Manuel Miranda is somewhat of a ringer. There was no way this award would go to any other movie. My cousins and I all love this soundtrack but I can sing it way better than them. Because they're 3 and 4.
 
Best Use of Jenny Slate
The Secret Life of Pets
Jenny just really wasn't utilized to her full potential in Zootopia and I'm still upset that the sheep were the bad guys when everyone knows that sheep are not only super sweet but also incredibly dumb and therefore completely incapable of masterminding a major criminal coup.

Dumbest Concept
The Angry Birds Movie
Even my 12-year-old brother didn't want to see this and he watches some really dumb stuff. Like YouTube videos that claim Jar Jar Binks is a Sith lord. Also the timing is just way off, Angry Birds peaked in popularity years ago. Imagine how dumb it would be if Versace released a line of Silly Bandz now.

Worst Film
Kubo and the Two Strings
I'll admit, I haven't seen this but the commercials alone made me want to die. There's like a bug and a baboon thing? If this were narrated by David Attenborough I'd be all over it. And what's up with the strings? Is this double dutch? Knitting? Is Kubo gonna bust out a dope cat's cradle? No one will fund a Notting Hill musical no matter how many letters I write but we can shell out some cash for Kubo? Hollywood is a racket.

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Knox Fooling Anyone

Today's post is a chronicle of my thoughts while watching Netflix's Amanda Knox special. Twice.

Let me just start off by saying that when you Google search Amanda Knox her descriptor is American woman. Like how Ed Sheeran's is singer-songwriter and Beyonce's is goddess most divine. Amanda's claim to fame is being an American woman. So I sang along with The Guess Who while writing this post.

As every true crime addict slash magazine reader knows, Amanda Knox was considered guilty by the media for her lack of grief when her roommate Meredith Kercher was murdered in Italy. But is that fair? She was deemed a sociopath for her lack of emotions but she had only known the girl for a few weeks. I also have a hard time crying at the appropriate times. I might bawl for an hour when my favorite Project Runway contestant gets eliminated but will never cry during Marley & Me. Does that make me a monster? So for fairness's sake let's examine the other evidence.

Our story begins in Seattle. Amanda's hometown. Everyone in the Pacific Northwest is a psychopath, all that rain makes people do crazy things. Case closed. She says she had a happy life before Italy. Happy? In Seattle? I don't buy it. This girl is hiding something.

Amanda heads over to Italy to carbo-load for a year. She is staying in a "flat" (European word for house?) with British student Kercher and 2 Italian women. Seems like the Italians were never suspects. Smells like home Italian cooking, and I don't mean the Olive Garden.

Living my teenage dream, upon her arrival Amanda receives a stamp in her passport and an Italian boyfriend named after a ninja turtle. This Raffaele character...his accent is adorable. Listening to him reminded me that Italians like to add an h to the beginning of words that start with vowels. My game theory professor did the same thing. Amanda brags about how wonderful Raffaele is by mentioning that he wanted to get her a perfume...which is code for you stink. That ain't romance girl.

Without further ado, let's dive right into murder! The crime scene is explained and we hear from lead prosecutor Giuliano Mignini himself. While I love watching La Vita E Bella in the original Italian, the subtitles here are frustrating me because I can no longer play spider solitaire while I watch.

And we have another guest star. Nick Pisa, a British journalist who speculates on why locals were so willing to talk to him. "Wow I've got a big British journalist talking to me, I'm now a big star as well." This guy is really overestimating his importance. Self-proclaimed "big" British journalists fall somewhere below Miley Cyrus's siblings in American fame. I don't know...something about the conversion rate? Nick Pisa Crap talks about the power trip he got from covering this case. It becomes clear that Nick committed the murder to further his own career. Roughly 20 minutes into this documentary and I already know whodunnit.

Knox's alibi for the night of the murder is an evening in with her boyfriend. She says they watched the French film Amelie and the read German Harry Potter? Come o! No American is THAT multi-cultural. We barely understand the metric system that's just playing tug of war with a decimal. Now you're going to tell me that in addition to Italian and French, Knox has mastered German, a language so difficult that Mark Twain, one of the most brilliant American minds of all time, wrote an entire essay about it's complexity? I'm skeptical.

As Amanda recalls finding the crime scene, she claims that she didn't get creeped out by the blood in the bathroom and wasn't worried until she saw feces in the toilet which I think is totally valid. I cut myself shaving at least 9 times out of 10 because I refuse to put my book down to shave so blood in the bathroom could just mean that her roommate is as pathetic as I am. And just imagine coming home to find foreign feces in your toilet. I for one, would be terrified.

Side note - at this point I'm starting to doubt the subtitles. Either they're not telling us everything or it takes 5 Italian words to say 1 English word.

Now we search for a murder weapon. The investigators ask Amanda if any of the kitchen knives are missing. She's been there for less than a month. I've lived in my current apartment for over a year and I would have no idea if any of our knives were missing unless I pulled out 5 and they were labeled 1, 2, 3, 4, 6.

A few days after Meredith's body is discovered, Amanda and Raffaele are arrested. We hear a phone call between Amanda and an American friend who is probably the reason most people hate Americans. This girl is an idiot. She tells Amanda not to be scared but to remember she's 20 and with Raffaele, and that this is the best year of her life. I don't care if I'm with Jason Momoa AND Miles Teller, if I'm being accused of murder in a foreign country, this year sucks.

At this point Amanda's boyfriend Raffaele says he was home alone the night of the murder, changing his story and saying that Amanda wasn't with him. He claims Amanda pressured him to lie and be her alibi and he seems so naive and innocent but I think that's just the language barrier speaking (in broken English). This is just like Emerald City, I don't know who to trust.

The Netflix special shows the text message Amanda says she received from her boss the night of the murder, a text that relieved her from work duties for the evening. This message clearly says "ci vediamo" and as everyone who has seen The Lizzie McGuire Movie knows, that means we will see each other, exactly what Amanda said that the text read. Another international crime solved by Hilary Duff.

Welcome back Nick Pisa bragging about how famous he is thanks to this poor girl's murder. He says "I don't think I ever had so many front pages" so...yeah he definitely travels the world committing crimes to he can report on them and become a "big British journalist" which sounds like the plot of a movie I fell asleep during.

We finally find the murder weapon, a knife, in Raffaele's house. But again, no one suspects him which is a testimony to how sexist (and trusting of DNA evidence) people are. Amanda's DNA is on the knife handle while Meredith's DNA is on the blade. Highly suspicious. Knox admits she can't explain it but I can. Who among us hasn't used a knife to cut something and then licked the knife and put it back in the drawer? Just me? I'm so glad my roommates don't support my artistic endeavors by reading this blog. I'm saving water really, you should all be thanking me.

Enter some guy named Rudy Guede, a local thief, whose DNA was all over the apartment. And even though everyone still thinks Amanda is totally guilty, Rudy is convicted and is currently in jail for the murder. But the documentary isn't over yet because his story wasn't interesting enough. I get that this special is called Amanda Knox and not Rudy Guede for a reason but that fact that he is sentenced to 16 years and discussed here for less than 16 minutes makes him seem like a scapegoat.

We're back to "Foxy Knoxy" now as the media calls her. She's portrayed as the ultimate femme fatale even though she looks more Jessica Biel than Jessica Rabbit. During the trial it comes out that Amanda and Meredith were basically opposites...that makes for a cute sitcom not a homicide.

Amanda and Raffaele are both found guilty and sentenced to 26 years and 25 years respectively. Not sure why she gets an extra year but I'm not thrilled about it. Amanda and Raffaele break up after their whirlwind 5 day romance because apparently when you renege on being someone's alibi, they fall out of love with you.

Two years later Amanda is able to appeal the DNA evidence. A reporter comments on how she could use some makeup. She's been in jail for 2 years dude not an Aveda salon. During the appeal we learn that a vital piece of DNA evidence was found 46 days after the murder. And it only takes two Italian years of assumed guilt for everyone to realize that this is insane. And we haven't even gotten to the DNA contamination on the murder weapon yet.

Now we see a series of interviews with Americans commenting on the situation. Donald Trump tells everyone to boycott Italy. That's not even a joke he literally said that.

Finally Amanda and Raffaele are acquitted based on insufficient proof and Knox returns to Seattle and is more than welcomed by a horde of reporters.

Then...like 4 years later, Italy changes their mind and is just like hang on, can I change my answer? This is totally not fair in my (correct) opinion. After a new guilty verdict which is eventually reversed by the Italian version of the Supreme Court, Italy says they are acquitted because they didn’t commit the crimes. I find that hilarious because Law & Order will normally say something to the effect of “dismissed due to insufficient evidence" so it's pretty obnoxious of Italy to unilaterally proclaim their innocence. In any event, it is agreed that Italy should not be making any major decisions ever again.

Italians are pissed, like have some gelato guys.

Amanda goes back to Seattle and thanks her…fans?

Raffaele says he doesn’t know how to start over after 4 years in prison, 6 months in solitude. That’s horrific. I would give up after 6 minutes in solitary confinement. I need to live in a herd. Amanda also has a hard time adjusting. When she's in line at the grocery store people will talk to her about how they know her from the news which is a great way to get killed if you think she's the murderer. Morons.

The British journalist says we have to point a finger at the police and prosecution but of course the real murderer would say that. He explains that journalism leaves no time for double checking which is the exact opposite of what I was taught. In journalism school.

After an hour and a half I've decided that Nick Pisa is the real sociopath here. I have no idea who killed Meredith Kercher. And I am never going to maybe/maybe not commit a crime in Italy.

This case is now 3rd on my list of questions to ask God in Heaven right behind who killed JonBenet Ramsey and why do mini M&Ms taste so much better than regular M&Ms?

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

I'm Calling You Out Chef Boyardee

This is not meant to be a list of accusations or indictments of any kind. I'm not trying to ruin Chef Boyardee the way I destroyed Shari's Berries last year (she had it coming). Really, this is fan mail. I love Chef Boyardee products. Eat them almost every day for lunch, you can ask the co-workers who nod politely at my various stories about car trouble and parental neglect. So I figured that as a valued customer, the Chef himself might want to know what I'm thinking. Why spend thousands on test markets when the person who accounts for at least 3% of your market share will give you feedback for free? Some of you may say I expect too much of products that are all essentially "pasta in tomato and meat sauce" and cost less than a dollar.
You may say I'm a dreamer.
But I'm not the only one.


Spaghetti and Meatballs
Sometimes the meatballs look like they have moles on them. Other than that no complaints. Well done. I used to eat this with goldfish mixed in until I grew up and switched to Texas toast. If making sure that at least 85% of your meal is carbs is wrong, then I don't want to be right. Or live past 50.

Spaghetti and Meatballs (microwaveable cup) 
The texture of this is all wrong. Thin noodles. Soupy sauce. You had one job. Take the spaghetti and meatballs from the can. Place it in a microwavable cup. But you must have fiddled with the formula or something. So congratulations. You played yourself. And more importantly me because I keep buying these hoping they'll change. Ladies, you can't change a man, even a chef.

Lasagna
I don't eat the lasagna. Even I have standards. Lasagna should be served with a hearty layer of melted cheese on top and at least 3 pieces of garlic bread. Now if they come up with some canned garlic bread, I will sit in focus groups, take surveys and help troubleshoot that all day. But until then, stop serving canned lasagna. Have some decency.

Cheesy Burger Macaroni
How many foods can we fit into other foods? Also, is this the definition of American Exceptionalism? I think so! I've not tried this because I still have the tiniest bit of self-respect, but the moment that goes (sooner rather than later) I will report back on this flavor.

Pizza Maker
Again, I'm pretty content with this product. It's not as good as Missy's homemade pizza but it'll do. Although...if they wanted to make the pizza kit bigger...I wouldn't hate it. And there's always too much sauce. The sauce to dough ratio is way off, stop trying to sneak servings of vegetables onto my pizza! Call it marinara all you want, I see right through that.

Beefaroni
Sounds so wrong but tastes so right. And this actually tastes completely different from the spaghetti and ravioli even though the ingredients are all the same. You might not notice it but trust me, I have a very discerning palate. My youngest brother actually introduced me to beefaroni when he was in preschool if that tells you anything about my eating habits.

Chili Mac
There is no part of me that is willing to try this.  My discerning palate is also rather delicate. The description on this can literally reads "macaroni with beef in chili gravy." They lost me at "macaroni with beef" the rest of that sentence is just the chili gravy on top of the crap sandwich.

Chicken Ravioli
Now that's just sick. What will the sadists over at headquarters think of next? Honestly, who is buying this? You should be ashamed of yourselves. Unless you can't eat beef for religious reasons, that I totally respect but also, did you know, there is such a thing as cheese ravioli? Chicken ravioli is just wrong. And I'm a Southern Baptist, I know about chicken.

Mini Beef Ravioli & Meatballs
At least this is ravioli the way God intended it, but why the need for meatballs and beef in the ravioli? Doesn't that seem like overkill (of cows)?  You heard it here first. This alleged "Chef" Boyardee is trying to create a legion of child soldiers by amping up the protein. That's probably not true but being prepared for the worst-case scenario is never a bad idea.

Beef Ravioli
My favorite! I will burn my tongue on the ridiculous amount of sauce in here 9 days out of 10. But if you look at the picture below you will see that one time a shell snuck into my can of ravioli. Do I look like the type of person who eats shells? Don't answer that.


So Chef, if that is your real name, ball's in your court. Leave a comment with your contact information and we can discuss this over a few cans of beef ravioli. You bring the garlic bread.