Wednesday, October 7, 2015


There's this widely held belief that as you get older, you outgrow some things. When you learn to walk, you stop crawling. When you start college, you quit reading The Baby-Sitters Club (at least that's what my mom told me). When you get a job, you outgrow your parents' health insurance plans. For the past 5 months since I graduated college, some people have been waiting for me to outgrow Carolina For The Kinds Foundation and UNC Dance Marathon.

That is simply never going to happen. I just signed up to dance for the 5th year in a row. People who have never participated in a dance marathon ask me how I do it, standing for 24 hours year after year. It's not about standing. It's about believing.

I believe in the magic that happens for 24 hours every year in Fetzer Gym. I believe that every decision we make says something about the world that we want to live in. I want to live in a world where others would stand for me. I believe in the goodness in others. I believe in service over self. And I believe Kid President, it's everybody's duty to give the world a reason to dance.

So I don't stand so I can raise money, or see great performances or eat delicious food (you're welcome). I don't stand to make friends, it was just a happy coincidence.

I DANCE because spending 24 hours a year thinking about others is the least I can do. I DANCE because it takes a village. I DANCE because a 30 second dance party can erase 30 minutes of stress. I DANCE because Carolina For The Kids, and every soul I have had the pleasure of meeting through this organization, has changed my life. The love that this organization has shown me, and allowed me to show others, is miraculous, transformative and endless.

And now, some words of appreciation to some of my very best friends:

My very own committee, thank you for letting me test my stand-up on you every week last year. Thank you for cutting bagels and throwing mayonnaise packets and calling every restaurant in the great state of North Carolina. SNLove for SNLife.

My spirit committee. Thank you for being you. I'm happy to be the wind beneath your freak flag. Thank you for the social media stalking, the candy, the gifts, the cards and most of all for pretending I'm funny.
Be weird. Be freaky. Be yourselves. Be me and Jean-Luc.

Exec 2014
Thank you for believing in me and giving me the chance to give back to the organization that has given more to me than I could ever hope to repay. I've loved every second spent trying to even the scales.

Exec 2015 
My best friends. Thank you for the hot cocoa, Kit Kats, memes, parties, my birthday pinata, therapy sessions, Cards Against Humanity, pageviews, sporting events, social media posts, meals and crazy love. Thank you for filling my senior year with love, laughs and Landon's goat noises.

Exec 2016
Thank you for keeping the magic alive and for the countless hours you have in store. I can assure you that it is all so very worth it.

The Kids & Families
Thank you for fighting. Thank you for giving us something to believe in. Thank you for sharing your time and your stories with us. Never give up.

Now go to and SIGN UP TO DANCE!

If you're still not convinced, here are links to some videos that I rewatch at least once a month to revel in all my former glory.

2016 DRW
What do Danny Green and I have in common? We both look great in black and we're both for the kids! Go Spurs go!

Stand By Me
A fantastic video by a publicity rockstar. If you've never been to UNC Dance Marathon, this is as good as it gets until you sign up to dance at

2015 DRW
Come on, come on, come on and sign up to dance!

2015 Exec Introductions
Yes, that's me eating a grilled cheese. Thank you Jacob for this cinematic masterpiece.

2015 By the Numbers
This gives me chills every time. Also you're welcome for the duct tape. 2015 committee members, I'm sorry you don't have any fingerprints left after set up but now you're prepared for an international life of crime.

2015 Total Reveal
Now my chills have chills. The single greatest moment of my life. If you think I'm exaggerating then you obviously don't know me.

I all my life, I will never be prouder of anything than my 2015 CFTK superlative, Most Likely To Do Anything FTK.

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

I'm Adopted

My "parents". To know them is to seriously question their fashion choices. But I believe in giving credit where credit is due, and who could be more deserving than the people who pay my phone bill? My parents provide me with some of my best material. Not because they're funny but because I'm funny when I'm making fun of them. It takes a village.

For starters, although they are relatively young my parents are completely out of touch with technology. They both eschew social media, preferring to use my brother's accounts to stalk people. When I first got an iPhone my mother asked me how I was going to find time to go to the app store which, in her mind, was a physical building. Bless her heart. After 4 years of experience with smart phones, they've made some paltry improvements. Now they both know that the app store is online but the only app they actually understand is 2048. They are both helplessly addicted to the point of physical withdrawals. On any given evening you can find my parents in the living room with the TV on, both so busy playing 2048 (which they have each beaten several times, mind you) that they simply can't be bothered to answer the phone, text back, or give me money to buy a life size cutout of Perry the Platypus, and they know how strongly I feel about alliteration in the aliases of animated animals.

My endless critiques of the people who forsook their own happiness to purchase the hardcover edition of The Strong-Willed Child and raise me is a recent development. When I was younger I used to think that my parents could do no wrong. Fast forward a dozen years and my mother puts me in charge of watching my youngest brother. While babysitting him I allowed the aforementioned brother (11 years old) to watch Netflix unsupervised and make himself a pepperoni and garlic salt sandwich for dinner after an appetizer of mini kit-kats. Now I'm starting to really question her judgment. But when it comes to childcare, you get what you pay for and I got a whopping zero dollars for that evening so fair is fair.

Not only do my parents consider me capable of "sitting" my siblings, by some egregious error in judgment they frequently allow my siblings to ride in cars with me. For those of you who have never witnessed my driving first hand, clearly you’ve been avoiding the sidewalks and curbs of central North Carolina. So I’ll just tell you, if I lived in Saudi Arabia I would be the poster girl for the no women driving movement. And yet my parents see no problem with me schlepping my brothers around town. Think of all the cars I could run into! During rush hour, driving around Goldston for 45 minutes, that’s like 2 or 3. In their defense, my real problem is hitting stationary objects so in that respect all the other moving cars are clear it's really the mailboxes and woodland creatures rendered immobile by fear who should be worried.

Whenever my dad walks into a room he announces his presence by asking "Where is your mom?" which is actually kind of sweet except after the 2nd time this happens to you when it becomes infuriating. I mean honestly. It's a 2400 square foot house. He can put in some leg work. None of us ever know where my mom is but she's not the invisible woman, it doesn't take much to find her. She's probably hiding from her 3 kids somewhere, that's what I would be doing.

Growing up I always knew that my parents' marriage was secure. I know no matter what happens my parents will never get a divorce. Not because they love each other, they spend time together, or any of that gross stuff. But because it would be literally impossible for them to co-parent. They live in the same house and have been married for almost 30 years and they barely communicate. It sounds like I'm exaggerating but remember we're talking about the people who couldn't put their heads together to remember their only daughter's 17th birthday. I cannot tell you how many times I have had a phone conversation with my father explaining my plans only to receive a text from my mother a few hours later asking what I’m doing. It just doesn’t cross their minds that they could easily ask each other. Or they both just prefer talking to me, can’t blame them. Once I got mono and my dad didn't know until a full month later. That's either because my parents don't communicate or because they just don't pay attention to me. My mother still hasn't noticed that I got a new ear piercing 6 months ago.

In addition to their wardrobe choices, phone addictions and weird obsession with Family Feud, my parents also have a lot of great qualities that I don't get to make fun of nearly enough. In the spirit of love and innocuous humor and the fact that I still want Christmas presents (I gave up on birthday presents the year I turned 17 and no one noticed), I want to share my favorite things about my parents.

The best thing about my dad is that he will buy literally whatever you put on the grocery list. No matter what I ask my mom to pick up, it's a guarantee that roughly half of it has no chance of entering a 15 foot radius of her shopping cart. My dad on the other hand, I could ask for Venetian caviar, a domesticated raccoon, Season 1 of Prison Wives Club and 5 bags of crispy M&Ms and, if left in charge of groceries, he will find a way to bring every item home. And I love him for that. Also his mustache is on point and as a firm believer in eyebrow maintenance I really respect that.

The best thing about my mom is that she somehow manages to shop with me, which is no small feat. She is the typical introvert and I'm the extreme extrovert. This means that she values alone time while I am terrified of it. I know that when we shop she wants to go do her own thing, but the only way I know how to shop is to follow whoever I came with. So my poor mother has let me follow her around stores for two decades and has listened to me talk her out of shoulder pads time and time again.

So while perhaps I will never forgive my parents for refusing to let me drop out of college to serve on John Edwards's jury, I will say that they both have redeeming qualities, like being able to afford to send me to grad school.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Fall La La La La

I love fall 100% less than your average basic girl, but if I don't make at least one post welcoming the official season of pumpkin spice they force me to rename my blog, something about false advertising.

Today's post will guide you to the white girl-tested, me-approved fall flavor that's perfect for you based on your Myers-Briggs personality type. Hold your applause.

If by some egregious act of wanton introspection neglect you do not already know your MB personality, please click on the ads to your right so I can make money and click on the link below so you can find out! If you're not sure this post is worth all that trouble and still need some convincing, 1-At this point I already have your page view so I really don't care and 2-You can do all sorts of fun activities once you know your MB personality type like win a free scholarship to college and see what Harry Potter character you are and fly and also some of those are made up.

ESTJ-The Guardian
You’re a take charge leader who believes in facts, and the fact is everyone looks more serious wearing tweed. You've spent the past 3 months trying to find business professional clothes that are climate appropriate but now your long and fruitless struggle has mercifully ended and you are free to welcome the coming winter with open elbow patches.

ESTP-The Doer
New iPhone
As an enthusiastic individual who lives in the here and now, you value having up-to-date technology. You look forward to the new and improved phones that come out in the fall, like this September's iPhone 6S. Don't hate the early adapter, hate the line at the Apple store, that's what you always say.

ESFJ-The Caregiver
Fall provides the perfect opportunity for you to throw a bonfire for 47 of your closest friends! You're a people person who desires constant praise and adoration from others and you know the best way to get that is by plying all of your friends with s'mores. For extra fun, add peanut butter to your s'mores to make them protein bars!

ESFP-The Performer
Halloween costume
You thrive on being the center of attention and know that on Halloween you will have a ton of competition for the spotlight in the form of nurses, pirates, bunnies and police women, not the mention the occasional mouse...duh. You spend a lot of time making sure you have the perfect costume, 1 part trendy, 2 parts dark and twisty, 7 parts fabulous eye makeup.

ISTJ-The Duty Fulfiller
Hot chocolate/cider
Someone as quiet and serious as yourself needs the perfect fall beverage to sip while perusing the classics (Yes Please, The Baby-Sitters Club, The Golden Cage). Once the autumnal equinox rolls around you can stop pretending to like lemonade and drink sophisticated Ghirardelli dark chocolate. Use a mug with a quote misattributed to Marilyn Monroe to really amp up the pretension.

ISTP-The Mechanic 
Football jersey
You love action and can't wait for Sunday night football, which curiously enough also takes place on Monday, Thursday and Saturday nights. There's just no escaping it. In the fall you like to get a new football jersey so you can support your favorite team. I would suggest either getting 4 football jerseys or getting really serious about laundry.

ISFJ-The Nurturer
Fall candles
A considerate soul, you crave fall candles just as warm as you are. You want your house to always smell welcoming so you stock up on Bath & Body Words seasonal favorites like sweet cinnamon pumpkin, pumpkin pie, pumpkin sweet pea and cherry pumpkin blossom. I'm really starting to think they just add pumpkin to their normal scents and call it a fall.

ISFP-The Artist
State fair tickets
You love animals and appreciate art so every fall you head to your state fair to see the petting zoo and fried Crisco. Not that food is the only art form on display at the state fair, you also like the handicrafts, caricature artists and people watching, the art of judging people you don't know and will never see again.

ENTJ-The Executive
New fall hair color
You're a career-focused leader who sees long-term. For fall, you want to get rid of the summer ombre and paint your locks a more serious, dark shade that says "I take split ends AND cold weather seriously" while looking glossy and bossy. Might I recommend the "can I see your manager" cut in a deep chestnut?

ENTP-The Visionary
New office/school supplies
You're an idea person who needs tons of pens and paper to keep up with all of your genius notions. Nothing makes you more excited than new supplies for your office or classes. You love replacing the bright hues of summer with saturated neutrals and burnt orange for fall. How embarrassing if your fall journals were bumblebee instead of the much more autumn-appropriate dijon? You'd just die!

ENFJ-The Giver
Fall decor
As someone who really values the feelings and opinions of others, you like to make your home a fall paradise complete with pumpkin and harvest decor around every hayride-scented corner. You look forward to setting out bowls of candy corn and caramel apple pops the way most people look forward to eating them. Your fall yard is simply incomplete without a scarecrow and at least one dry ice machine.

ENFP-The Inspirer
Hocus Pocus
You're a passionate person who is easily excitable, so even though you have watched Hocus Pocus several times each year since you were still using crib sheets for your ghost costumes, it never gets old. When Disney channel brings back this classic, you invite all your friends over to appreciate one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of our time.

INTJ-The Scientist
Fall pictures
You're an insightful strategist who knows that fall is the best time for #artsy Instagram pictures. After a few weeks of observation, you can discern the perfect props to maximize likes. Should you make use of fallen leaves? Carve a pumpkin? The options are as endless as your infinity scarf.

INTP-The Thinker
Black Friday
A logical individual, you know that you can't beat the deals stores roll out on Black Friday. Skilled in theoretical thinking, you can easily imagine a game plan for which stores to hit first and can make rational decisions about what to purchase. My only advice is buy it. Buy it all.

INFJ-The Protector
You want a fabric just as gentle as you are so once the temperatures start to drop, you can curl up in your favorite flannels for the next 6 months. Just look out for plaid button-down shirts that aren't actually soft and comfy flannel but stiff and starched evil. I've seen too many good men trust the wrong online store.

INFP-The Idealist
Pumpkin muffins
You just want to make the world a better place for everyone, and that starts with my famous (to my immediate family only) pumpkin muffins! 1 spice cake mix, 1 can of pumpkin and some fun extras are all you need for delicious pumpkin muffins! I like to add chocolate chips but feel free to add entire chocolate bars, really.