Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Senior Year So Far -Brought to You By Buzzfeed*

Like all great plagiarists, I often imitate or adapt or completely rip off the style of some of my favorite writers. I would label my writing style as Carrie Bradshaw meets Chelsea Handler, and they don't really click so then Chelsea Handler goes off and has a catty conversation about it with David Sedaris. This week's post is the byproduct of those chance celeb encounters, and by that I mean it's basically me ranting about how my senior year of college has gone so far. As a testament to the student mindset that I'm by some miracle in possession of, I'm going to outline the 3 main themes of this post to make it easier to study later. 1-Don't trust these profs. 2-Study, study, study let's all win trivia. And 3-How to not sit in my seat in one easy step.

1. Don't trust these profs.
I'm not sure what leader in the education world decided it was a good idea to have students teach other students, but I hope he got fired before he got tenured. In elementary, middle and high school I appreciated this strategy because teaching something helps you learn the material a lot better, and presenting to the class was generally a project or group assignment. But now that I'm in college it just feels like doing my professors' jobs for them. 
I don't mind leading a discussion or giving literary analysis in front of the class every now and then, but preparing a presentation and lecturing on the text book? It's difficult to look my religion professor in the face after that one. He's gotta be making well over 100 grand a year and wants me to do his job for him? My mother is a fifth grade teacher, so she gets paid a lot less for actually teaching her class herself instead of farming it out to the students. And she is spending her hard-earned salary to send me to college so I can teach myself and the whole class about characteristics of Vishnu portrayed in the Ramayana and the Mahabharata instead of learning from a professional? I barely even know how to spell Mahabharata! Yeesh.

2. Study, study, study let's all win trivia.
So far this school year I have devoted more time to studying for bar trivia nights than actual classes and tests.
And I regret nothing.
Allow me to explain. The bar we attend Trivia Tuesday at always has a round called "This Day in History" so it's not a gamble to study. It's a sure thing. I could spend hours studying Persian literature and then be quizzed on Arabian architecture instead. But I know good and well, every Tuesday when I go to Goodfellows for trivia, there are going to be at least 5 questions on other events that have happened on that day.
If I do say so myself, I'm a pretty solid trivia team member. This is mainly due to the fact that the winners get bar credit and I don't drink, so there is one less person to share in the spoils of victory. Also, I know things sometimes.

3. How to not sit in my seat in one easy step.
Spoiler alert! The one step is DON'T SIT IN MY SEAT.
Sitting in my seat is quite literally the fastest way to make me hate you. If it's the second day of class and we're in a classroom where I haven't already formed a committed relationship with a specific seat, I can overlook it. But once we're past the third week of classes, I really need you to not.
Almost every classroom has them. The nomads. They wander to a different seat every day, not caring at all about the lives they're uprooting. They have no respect for the well-established principle that 847 out of 848 students have a seat they always sit in.
I almost understand it. College. No assigned seats. No rules. Don't let it go to your heads people! Please, for the love of my education, if nothing else. When you sit in my seat and you have no seat of your own, I have to sit in someone's seat. You force me to become the person I hate the most! And the cycle just repeats itself until you have single-handedly ruined everyone's life.
My question to those of you who sit in other people's seats all willy-nilly is why do you enjoy ruining lives? Did your parents not give you your own seat at the dinner table when you were younger? Are you bitter that after being the baby for years, your younger brother was given the seat next to mommy and you had to sit in the corner? I would recommend you see a therapist immediately to work those issues out with professional help instead of taking your anger out on innocent students such as myself. A little couch time goes a long way. My therapist, who declined to comment for this post, is my best friend, no matter how many times she politely requests that I not call her that.

So fellow college students, I know you're all busy procrastinating right now, but please take some time to read this. Especially number three. You know who you are. Don't let it happen again.


*I have often stated that Wikipedia is the official sponsor of my collegiate career and while that is still very true, Buzzfeed makes for a more appropriate sponsor for my senior year. This is mainly because a lot of my classes have attendance components even though I'm actually 21 years old and I would assume capable of making my own decisions. I would also like to add that in my defense, I never really skip class I just sometimes have to strategically miss class, which is completely different. In any event, my attendance in mandatory classes would absolutely not be possible without Buzzfeed. So thank you Buzzfeed, I couldn't do it without you.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

#BrittanyGoesWest

Last Friday I attended a bachelorette party...

Most of the evening was fairly tame. I only recently experienced bachelorette parties firsthand so my expectations were mainly based on what I had gathered from movies. When I arrived at the hotel room and saw that there were no strippers or cocaine I was a little confused as to what we would spend all evening doing.

This party consisted of 7 women, all white girls at heart, so there were multiple phone calls back and forth about what everyone was wearing and then still a ridiculous amount of wardrobe changes before we got everyone out the door. The bridesmaids all wore black sashes that I keep trying to incorporate into my every day attire but to no a-veil (see what I did there?) as well as huge pink rings. The rings closely resemble ring pops in shape and color, but not taste. And the bride-to-be wore a colorful tutu and veil with her sash and crown. Brittany looked kind of like Betsey Johnson threw up on her. Meanwhile, my cousin Kelsey sported an olive Michael Kors jumpsuit that resembles what Paula Abdul will likely be buried in.

We take this hot mess express to a wings restaurant in 2 separate cars to throw the paparazzi off our trail. We proceed to cause a scene, being a bridal party and what not. We have the waiters take our pictures, we drink out of...straws...I make Tiffany take selfies with me, and then bingo starts. Apparently they have changed bingo since I was a kid because this was more like 80s music power hour, which was AWESOME. Kelsey did the running man and basically just looked like Kristen Wiig dancing in her seat all night. They played Come On Eileen. I think that sentence alone sums up how fantastic dinner was. Anytime I hear that song, I am the scene in Perks of Being A Wallflower where Emma Watson says "they're actually playing good music!" And no, I don't mean I'm Emma Watson, I mean I am the entire scene. Emma. Ezra Miller. The punch bowl. The gym floor. All of it.

So then the hot mess express heads to the comedy club. This portion of the evening was relatively uneventful in that I was slightly less obnoxious because there were people being paid to do comedy right in front of us so I checked myself before I wrecked everything. The rest of the evening I considered it my personal responsibility to provide the entertainment. And provide it I did.

The ride home from the comedy club, which seems innocent enough, is where things really got interesting. First, we leave the comedy show to find that someone has stolen the bride-to-be flag from Brittany's car. Not the flag holder that attaches to the window, just the fabric triangle. Stay classy Raleigh. Somehow, I ended up driving all of my cousins home and the rest of the girls went with my aunt and the only other real adult.

Our task is simple enough, follow my aunt to Target. What you're not understanding is that my aunt learned to drive from my grandfather, who learned to drive from Tony Stewart I think. (Too soon?) So my job was to drive at least 10 over the speed limit and Kelsey's job was to keep my aunt's car in sight. That's right. SHE HAD ONE JOB. Needless to say we lose them, and look up directions to Target. When we get there we see that Super Target is super-closed so we look for a gas station. I know what you're thinking, how hard is it to come across a gas station in Raleigh, North Carolina? Don't do that. Don't judge. I eventually call a Sheetz to make sure they're open and tell the girl on the phone that I will see her in a few minutes.

On the way to Sheetz my aunt calls and asks if we're lost. Tiffany answers the phone.
"Oh hey, no we're not lost. It's crazy we just keep hitting every red light and also we're lost. But I have to go bye."
But eventually it all worked out and we all lived so that either makes the party a success or a failure, depends on who's judging.

I would like to add that at the point that my aunt called, wed been lost for quite some time. I almost wrecked more often than I threatened to stop the car if Tiffany didn't put her taser away (which was a lot) because I couldn't see out the back window due to Brittany's tutu and other bachelorette decorations.

So thanks for decorating the scene of our imminent deaths. Even in death, this family revolves around Brittany.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

FTK All DM Day

So it's almost 11:00 on a Wednesday night and you're procrastinating by reading my blog. First, I appreciate that, and second, you should be procrastinating on http://www.uncmarathon.org/committee instead. UNC Dance Marathon committee applications are due this Friday. With 13 fabulous committees it can be tough deciding what to apply for, so I have compiled a committee guide for you to see which committee would be your best fit. Think of it as online dating, but completely different. If you read through these condensed committee descriptions and still can't decide, I have included the celebrity who best fits each committee because sometimes I like to make my choices by asking myself what Miranda Lambert would do.

Campus Fundraising
If you are able to attend a bar night without getting wasted and never pass up a pasta dinner then CampFun would love to have you!
Celeb Committee Member - Katy Perry

Community Outreach
If you're really good at not cursing for hours on end and feigning interest in the ramblings of second graders then Outreach may be the committee for you! 
Celeb Committee Member - Taylor Swift

Corporate Marketing
If you look great in 3 piece suits and have always been mature for your age, then you are definitely not me. But you also could be great for CoMa!
Celeb Committee Member - Ryan Seacrest

Donor Development
If you're great at keeping relationships going and love getting mail you should apply for DD! You should also contact me personally because I have a lot of questions for you.
Celeb Committee Member - Sarah Jessica Parker

Entertainment
If you have a great taste in music without being a hipster who thinks they "discovered" the Avett Brothers
Celeb Committee Member - Ed Sheeran

Event Donations
If you love giving gifts and feel comfortable asking people to give you their favorite belongings, you would be a great committee member for EvDO!
Celeb Committee Member - Oprah

Finance
If you're good with money, excelled in selling anything door to door, and don't mind that metal smell you get on your hands after handling change, then you should apply for Finance! Also apply if you don't mind that Finance has no catchy nickname!
Celeb Committee Member - Bill Gates

Fundraising Projects
If you have ever designed a logo or shirt or anything and know how to make sales without sounding like a mall kiosk worker then FundProj is a great fit for you!
Celeb Committee Member - Lauren Conrad

Hospital
If you've had your tear ducts removed and are therefore capable of not bursting into tears whenever you're in a hospital, then you should apply for Hospital!
Celeb Committee Member - Kristen Steward (she has no emotions)

Morale & Recruitment
If you're one of my favorite people in the world and let your freak flag fly because your quirks have their own quirks and you have enough energy to fight off 10 horses the size of ducks, then you should totally apply for Morale!
Celeb Committee Member - Cara Delevingne 

Operations
If you can move heavy objects or have a talent for working with duct tape for hours on end without completely losing the mobility in your hands then Ops would be perfect for you!
Celeb Committee Member - Zac Efron

Publicity 
If you can handle social media without acting like my brother (see Stop Patrick 2k14), Pub would really appreciate your help!
Celeb Committee Member - Lady Gaga

Supply and Logistics 
If you love food and have no shame in asking for it, and any other random items that may catch your fancy, you could work wonders on SnL!
Celeb Committee Member - Jennifer Lawrence

If you for some reason do not attend UNC, find out if your school has a dance marathon. When it comes to applying for committees, dancing or supporting a dance marathon in general, there is no wrong choice.

For the Kids.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The BeyMAs

For those of you living under a stupid rock, the Beyonce concert formerly known as the VMAs was KILLER Sunday night. As I gazed, speechless and reverential in complete awe of her, I began to question why that night, and every other night for that matter, is not entirely about Beyonce. It seems only fair. She lets us all live in her world, asking for nothing in return as she showers us with her flawlessness. So I'm proposing a new awards show. An awards show that honors Beyonce and Beyonce alone because Queen Bey should never have to share the stage, right Kanye?

Ladies and gentlemen. I give you.

The BeyMAs.

The Woke Up Like Dis Award
Awarded to the best photo of Beyonce sans make up because we all know that she is still just as beautiful without the foundation and mascara so desperately needed by the rest of us.

The Your Dynasty Ain't Complete Without A Chief Like Who? Award
This is a kicky live video feed award where a comedian of Beyonce's choosing will roam the streets of L.A. asking passersby to answer this lyric question from Upgrade U. Everyone who answers correctly (Beyonce, duh) will get a single strand of Beyonce's hair, the strongest substance known to man (besides Beyonce's stank face). Everyone who answers incorrectly will be slapped.

The Flawless Award
Given to Beyonce for being 100% flawless 100% of the time. That is all.

The Schoolin Life Award
Each year a different university will be allowed to present Beyonce with a degree. Note: this is not an honorary degree or a made-up degree. Beyonce already has PhDs in swag, flawlessness, and life of course.
 
The Irreplaceable Award
Given to the best outfit that had the good fortune to touch Bey's body that year. This award serves to remind Beyonce that she has come so far from the days of Destiny's Child and she will never be forced to wear another orange suede poncho or black leather ballgown at the hands of Tina Knowles again.

The Diva Award
Awarded to Beyonce for a moment where she could have been a complete female hustler/tyrant but instead chose to lavish upon us her unrelenting grace and mercy. The front runners for this award will be any other awards shows where Beyonce did not win an award, no matter what the category. Even if you don't consider Queen Bey's music to be "Best Rock Album material" she should still win that award as an offering. Recognize.

The Upgrade U Award
Given to Beyonce from Jay-Z as his thank you to her for marrying him, giving him life and upgrading him beyond his wildest dreams.

The Middle Award
Presented to Beyonce by Kelly Rowland and Michelle Williams, honoring her for standing in the middle anytime that Destiny's Child did anything ever.

The We Be All Night Award
Awarded to the best photo of Beyonce taken after 12:00 AM and before 6:00 AM because the Queen always looks perfect, sleep only serves to further enhance her perfection. We do be all night. We really do.

And the final award of the evening...

The So Not Bey Award
This is not so much an award as it is a punishment. At the end of the BeyMAs, the screens will broadcast moments where celebrities were so not bey. Said celebs will then be escorted off the planet.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The First Annual Bridesmaid Games

There are two basic types of girls out there. The girls who, from the first time they watch Cinderella, spend more time fantasizing about their weddings than their future husbands, and the girls who lie about it. Personally, I have had my July 4th America-themed wedding pretty much planned for years. From the exact brand of red hot dogs to the flowers, I have every detail planned out. Except for the groom of course, a minor detail that always seems to slip through the cracks. Considering I constantly speak on behalf of all white girls, let me just say that the hardest part of wedding planning for girls is picking bridesmaids. And I say this with more than the imaginary authority that I granted myself when I started this blog.

I am always hearing from my friends who are engaged how difficult it is to decide who gets to be a bridesmaid, and for those of us who don't have sisters, who is the maid of honor? In reality these friends probably mention briefly in passing that it's tough narrowing down your friend group to a reasonable number of bridesmaids. But what I hear is "Planning a wedding is such a hassle, especially trying to pick 5 bridesmaids from my gazillion friends! Really, I'm jealous of you. You're so lucky that no one will ever love you enough to propose."

A few days ago, one of my friends came up with a brilliant way to get rid of all the hassle in selecting bridesmaids. We were discussing the whole wedding scene when, regarding bridesmaids, she says "you're just gonna have to..." I anticipate the end of this sentence and think she's going to say "to set a limit" like any reasonable future bride would do. Imagine my surprise and delight when she actually says "you're just gonna have to have a contest."

And thus the bridesmaid games were born! Think of them as the friendship Olympics, a Jeopardy-like trivia game that will reward my friends who actually pay attention when I'm talking about myself.

I've been brainstorming categories and questions because I need to be prepared to choose my bridesmaids at any moment. If I've learned anything from Disney princess movies it's that you can meet your guy, fall in love and get engaged all in the span of one evening.

So far some of the categories and answers are as followed:

Quotes and Expressions I Overuse
  •  dude, hella, sorry, or no worries
  • "why is the bus late? cause the bus is a caterpillar and it threw up"
  • "put it down Bella we musn't touch what isn't ours"
  • "I love myself and I hate myself"
  • "books are people too"
  • literally anything else from Kittens Inspired by Kittens or Boys Will Be Girls
Describe the Only 4 Outfits I Ever Really Wear
  • black quarter sleeve shirt with neon pink shorts
  • XL dance marathon t shirt with orange norts
  • hunter green XXXL long t shirt worn as a dress with brown belt and wedges
  • VS hoodie with yoga pants
My Favorite Things Other Than America
  • bread
  • the color yellow
  • Law and Order: SVU
  • Mindy Kaling, Julia Roberts and George W. Bush (in no particular order)
  • books
  • my globe
Things I Hate More Than When People Sit In My Seat
  • slow walkers
  • sororities, Lilly Pulitzer, Jack Rogers, and the like
  • when cookies get baked too long
  • wearing pants
My Greatest Fears
  •  my iPhone breaking, again
  • the world running out of goat cheese
  • losing my memory
  • Grey's Anatomy being cancelled

Just think of this post as a study guide and start taking notes, the First Annual Bridesmaid Games are approaching. And may the odds be ever in your favor.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

I'm Not A Feminist But...

I had to title this post with a disclaimer because as I learned in a social justice ethics class that was mandatory at my liberal arts school (I know, vom) people often begin statements that are profoundly racist with "I'm not a racist but..." and this is the same type of thing. My post is going to sound very feminist. Honestly, it's a bit of a rant. If you know me then you understand I am the furthest thing from a feminist (I voted for Romney, okay?). I wrote this post to call attention to the lies that the media tells girls, or more accurately, my opinions on the lies that the media tells girls. I ramble, I rant, but I try to include humor as I explain that he's just not that into you.

Film and television make it seem as if boys and girls can never be just friends. Someone always has to be in love with the other. On sitcoms there's years of sexual tension before the lead characters end up together forever. Even on Lifetime, which is supposed to be TV for women, the movies feature best friends who awkwardly fall in love. Whose lifetime is that? Cause in my life, I just awkwardly fall. No love.

My best friend is a guy and I am constantly getting asked why I friend zoned him or why he doesn't date me. My family is the worst. My little brother recently said to my best friend "I think y'all are perfect for each other. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings." Ouch, thanks for that.

And is it not insulting to guys the way people assume that you can't value a female for just her friendship? I admittedly do not place the highest confidence in the morals of the men my age, and perhaps this is conceited of me, but I think there are lots of reasons to be friends with me. I mean sure, I can't think of any right now but I can assure you that my looks are the last reason any guy would want to be my friend (maybe next to last, right before my inability to filter).

Anyways, my big issue with the opposite-sex BFF conspiracy is that it results in girls telling themselves that the guys we have been pining after for years to no avail are "secretly" in love with us. No. Just no. This leads to girls overthinking every move a guy makes. If he ignores us in public he's playing hard to get, if he doesn't return our phone calls he doesn't want to seem too available. Ladies! These are our mind games! We can't just let the other team steal our playbook!

No matter how much I try to be honest and tell myself that if a guy doesn't text me back he probably just forgot my hut number or got eaten by a lion, in reality, he's probably just not that into me (although, I know, all three are equally unbelievable). Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that if a guy is interested in me, it will be obvious at best but at the very least discernible after a month of careful observation.

So now young women and girls are wasting their time and efforts on guys who they believe are secretly in love with them. I understand. It's so much easier to form a relationship from a friendship and skip all the awkward parts of being with someone new. But where would Twitter and Buzzfeed and Tumblr be without those awkward moments? Those awkward moments help me get out of bed every morning because while I might be single for the rest of my life, there's a girl somewhere out there meeting her boyfriend's parents for the first time. Who knows what calamity might strike? She could be hungover. She might accidentally stain the white couch with red lipstick that his mother thinks is trashy. And who among us doesn't love a simple trip in the front yard or beverage spill? I'm not saying that I would wish these on anyone, just that I hope to read stories very similar to these in next month's Cosmo Confessions. Where would White Girl Wednesday be if I couldn't share the trauma of all my first dates? Probably exactly where it is today seeing as I never get dates, but it could really be improved with some first-hand embarrassment stories!

While I'm at it, let's take a moment to discuss what I'll call "selfie shaming". Girlfriends, if you wanna post a selfie you post a selfie. There are some strong points to be made for not posting a selfie every day, but I hate seeing girls caption "sorry for the selfie" because you shouldn't have to apologize. You own that selfie. If you're anything like me (aka not photogenic at all) I know how much work went into taking a good selfie. I also know that a good selfie for me happens about once every 6 months. 2 selfies a year never got anyone's Instagram reported for spam so #YGG.

You Go Girl. 

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Some1 Date Me Pls

Today's post is about a topic that I believe we all spend more time contemplating than we'd like to admit...how am I still single? And I don't mean that in the literal sense of why will no one date me because believe me, I understand that 100%. I mean why have I not yet devised a strategy for tricking someone into dating me? The way I see it, if I am going to make my July 4, 2015 wedding happen (and I have a few dozen non-returnable USA-themed decorations that say it's gonna happen) then trickery and deception will be key.

I realized that I would need a solid plan in place in order to find a groom a few months ago while I was watching How to Lose A Guy in 10 Days. I was somewhere in the middle of calculating how much money I could make writing and starring in a sequel, How To Lose A Guy in 24 Hours or Less, when I became angry that How To FIND A Guy in 10 Days did not exist. It's crunch time and I'm feeling the pressure. I haven't managed to find a guy in 21 years, so what makes me think I can find a husband in less than 365 days? My initial thought was to draw up an application, but somewhere between question 37 (favorite Law and Order: SVU ADA) and question 82 (Do you like Katherine Heigl, no or heck no?) I realized that in order for my application process to work, the male population had to have an interest in spending time with me.

So I did what any other certifiably insane young adult with a special penchant for self-deprecating humor would do. I googled "How to get a date". After a few, I'll just say interesting, articles, I came across some of the same ridiculous suggestions that my mother has been giving me for years (don't call everyone dude, stop wearing your brother's clothes, make eye contact, and nonsense like that).  Needless to say, I quickly realized I would have to do this alone.

I conjured up a few really good ways to meet men. My personal favorite was drive around in a nice neighborhood and wait until you get behind an attractive male in a nice car. Then ever so slightly rear-end him at a stoplight. You will have to exchange phone numbers and he will have to agree to seeing you again in the future, the 2 steps that have always eluded me in the past. My friends somehow managed to talk me out of this method before I could finish planning it out.

Without misdemeanor traffic violations to fall back on, I rounded up some of my favorite pick up lines, at least 50% of which were Harry Potter themed. I had grown really attached to Do I know you? Cause you look a lot like my next boyfriend. and I lost my phone number, can I have yours? when a good friend pointed out that in order for these lines to have a chance to work, I would have to say them. To boys. Out loud. Where they can hear me.

Actual human to human interaction never was my strong suit, so it's back to the plotting board. I try to stay strong and tell myself that if Vladimir Putin and Tom Cruise could both convince someone to marry them, I can't be too far behind. But in the meantime, if you or a loved one has recently been dumped, give me a call. It is my sincerest hope that someday soon, young singles will find inspiration in my success story, telling themselves, if that nutcase found love, so can I.