Wednesday, January 18, 2017

The Signs As

Today I am making sweeping generalizations about broad groups of people based on the very real science of astrology. Assume that a very complex algorithm went into all of these pairings. I can't explain my process because I'm an artist. Honestly, questioning me is just going to subtract from your own enjoyment.

One Tree Hill characters
Aries - Brooke Davis
Taurus - Keith Scott
Gemini - Mia Catalano
Cancer - Peyton Sawyer
Leo - Dan Scott
Virgo - Julian Baker
Libra - Clay Evans
Scorpio - Lucas Scott
Sagittarius - Karen Roe
Capricorn - Nathan Scott
Aquarius - Haley James Scott
Pisces - Quinn James

CFTK Committees
Aries - Morale
Taurus - Hospital & Family Relations/Campus Fundraising
Gemini - Donor & Alumni Relations
Cancer - Supply & Logistics
Leo - Entertainment
Virgo - Operations
Libra - Community Outreach
Scorpio - Publicity
Sagittarius - Sponsorship & Development
Capricorn - Fundraising Projects/Event Donations
Aquarius - Finance
Pisces - Technology

Animated Equines (and one reindeer)
Aries - Pegasus (Hercules)
Taurus - Bullseye (Toy Story)
Gemini - Phillipe (Beauty and the Beast)
Cancer - Donkey (Shrek)
Leo - Maximus (Tangled)
Virgo - Altivo (The Road to El Dorado)
Libra - Sven (Frozen)
Scorpio - Angus (Brave)
Sagittarius - Spirit (Spirit)
Capricorn - Marty (Madagascar)
Aquarius - Khan (Mulan)
Pisces - Samson (Sleeping Beauty)

Taylor Swift Songs
Aries - Hey Stephen
Taurus - Fifteen
Gemini - Enchanted
Cancer - Never Grow Up
Leo - Style
Virgo - Tell Me Why
Libra - Innocent
Scorpio - Blank Space
Sagittarius - Welcome to New York
Capricorn - Better Than Revenge
Aquarius - Sparks Fly
Pisces - The Best Day

Lipstick Shades
Aries - Red
Taurus - Rose
Gemini - Blue
Cancer - Mocha
Leo - Mauve
Virgo - Peach
Libra - Nude
Scorpio - Black
Sagittarius - Green
Capricorn - Berry
Aquarius - Orange-Red
Pisces - Light Pink

Harry Potter Characters
Aries - Sirius Black
Taurus - Albus Dumbledore
Gemini - Luna Lovegood 
Cancer - Rubeus Hagrid
Leo - Bellatrix Lestrange
Virgo - Narcissa Malfoy
Libra - Minerva McGonagall
Scorpio - Severus Snape
Sagittarius - Neville Longbottom
Capricorn -Dobby
Aquarius - Hermione Granger
Pisces - Ron Weasley

Friends Characters
This addition was inspired by my mother who just recently started watching Friends. I'm glad that she is finally catching up on pop culture from over a decade ago but it's so hard having someone in my life who has no idea how the series ends. Every time I'm at her house that's what she wants to watch and I can't help but quote every episode. She's always afraid I will divulge spoilers but is there no statute of limitations on spoiler protection? I mean this show hasn't aired since Bush was in office, let's be reasonable.
Aries - Joey Tribbiani
Taurus - Mike Hannigan
Gemini - Phoebe Buffay
Cancer - Janice Litman Goralnik
Leo - Rachel Green
Virgo - Mr. Heckles
Libra - Tag Jones
Scorpio - Monica Geller
Sagittarius - Richard Burke
Capricorn - Estelle Leonard
Aquarius - Ross Geller
Pisces - Chandler Bing

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Snowmageddon

Along with the rest of North Carolina I've been varying degrees of trapped in my apartment for the better part of 4 days because when it snows even a little bit at all North Carolina shuts down for at least 2-3 business days. It's one of  my favorite things about this state after Cookout and One Tree Hill. Were there any active volcanoes nearby, mistaken falling ash could probably close the state for at least a week.

Consider this week the unofficial guide to doing a snow day in NC the right way because when dealing with an impending blizzard, your top priority should be my opinions about North Carolina snow.

Groceries
Milk and bread, bread and milk. But why? What are you going to do with that milk if the power goes out? And also what are you going to do with that milk if the power doesn't go out? Is milk alone enough to sustain you for days? Plain milk makes me want to die. If the concept were "milk and cereal" or even "milk and oreos" then milk's addition to the must-have list would be justified. But milk and bread? What are you doing, making the world's most disappointing French toast? The most important things to consider when grocery shopping for snow are: possible power outage, protein and chocolate. That's why for this weekend's wintry weather I stocked up on Chex Mix, pizza, Butterfinger cups, Goldfish, animal crackers and Eggo waffles. Chocolate and empty carbohydrates, thus all the major food groups were covered.

Clothes
Every so often as I'm taking laps around the mall in search of dippin' dots locations that serve the banana split flavor and kiosks giving out free hair care samples, a particular piece of clothing will catch my eye. It's ankle or floor-length, quilted, plump with down feathers and usually a muted color like black, brown or army green. It's a winter coat. A coat that really could end at the waist. Sure, it's warm, but it's a kind of warm that is completely unnecessary south of the Mason-Dixon line. That type of winter outerwear is just not needed in North Carolina. Who is buying these coats? How much disposable income do you have that you feel the need to do a full Eskimo cosplay in the subtropics of the Tar Heel State? And another thing, if you're not north of the 49th parallel, you can probably survive without a fur-trimmed hood.

Driving
People love to make fun of southerners for not knowing how to drive in the snow which I think is ridiculous. First of all...why would we need to know how to drive in the snow? That opportunity only presents itself 2, maybe 3 times a year. Secondly...how could we get good at driving in the snow when it only snows twice a year? You only go to the dentist twice a year and are you really going to tell me you floss every day in preparation for those visits? It's not as if southerners make fun of the north for not knowing which NASCAR drivers to root for or never getting Rocky Mountain spotted fever or other things they have no control of thanks to geography.

Play
There is really only one thing worth doing in the snow and that is sledding. Making snow angels is just impractical. You're voluntarily laying in snow. You're getting all snowy and like Pringles, you're probably going to need more than one. So after multiple angels your back will be damp. You'll be cold and wet. Basically putting yourself on the waiting list for pneumonia. Snow ball fights? No thank you. Most of the time North Carolina snow is either 99% fluff that doesn't stick together or 99% ice that can cause internal bleeding if you've got good aim and a strong arm. And then there's snow cream. I just don't understand it. Snow cream is not good people. You know what's good? Snow. Icicles. This Sunday I ate icicles off of every car in the parking lot. Is that a little creepy? Yes. Did some people see me picking ice sticks off their Toyota Corollas? Probably. But it was fresh, delicious and fat free. Unlike a bowl of 3 parts vanilla extract 1 part snow. Also I just thought of another activity worth doing in the snow and that is pretending to be an ice skater or ice dancer training for the Winter Olympics.

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Never Open the Door

Today's post is somewhat of an urban legend...the story of an unwitting individual who answers the door only to be murdered by their unexpected guest. It's a warning story we hear a lot, but does anyone actually know someone who was killed after simply answering the door? Like a real person, not a character in a horror movie or a friend of a friend or this alleged "Easter bunny" I keep hearing about.

While my threshold encounters haven't escalated to homicide so far, it's always in the back of my mind that something could happen. When it comes to staying up too late or eating fast food multiple times a day I think of myself as an independent adult but in terms of being home alone or outside after sunset, I'm just a little girl.

My first brush with danger at the door was when a pizza delivery guy was MUGGED on his route and didn't let that interfere with his dedication to providing customers like me with access to empty carbohydrates. I don't want to be insensitive to his situation, but truth be told the pizza was a little disheveled when it arrived.

*

Considering the near catastrophe of that pizza delivery, it should come as no surprise to you that some time later, I made the exact same mistake.

Late one weeknight, and by late I mean around 7:40, there was a knock at my door. Being the cautious, independent woman and murderino that I am, I muted the television so it seemed like no one was home and peered carefully through the peephole to spy a young girl.

I felt like Beyonce would want me to help another woman, so I opened the door (like an idiot) and she asked to use the phone. Since home phones went out of style when I was in middle school, I handed her my iPhone and invited her inside as a respite from the brutal 50 degree North Carolina winter, wrongly assuming she would make a quick phone call and be on her way.

During the initial phone call, I distinctly heard her telling the recipient to call her back at that number. MY number. That and the fact that she carried a series of bags (both book and duffel) inside with her indicated that she was probably going to stay for all of Wheel of Fortune and possibly the beginning of The Big Bang Theory. So I did what any responsible, well-adjusted adult would have done when confronted with a stranger threatening to ruin her perfect Thursday night. I asked her if she wanted some SpaghettiOs.

Once my guest was settled on the couch with some SpaghettiOs and water, we discussed popular rappers and had a friendly disagreement over who Rihanna should end up with. Through our conversation I found out that she was 18, had a friend who was either nearby or in Baltimore and was a Meek Mill fan. As excited as I was to learn that this friend may have some Hairspray intel, my guest had never heard of Harvey Fierstein so I knew I had to let it go.

For 20 minutes or so of awkward silence, I ruminated on my situation. On the negative side, my guest might never leave. And there's always a slight chance of murder. But on the positive side, this blog post practically wrote itself. Just when I was starting to get excited about what might happen next and how this visitor could help me finally go viral, she left! She headed out in search of her friend and I suppose she either walked across the parking lot or to Maryland. I have no idea, but after 40 minutes of friendship bloomed from a single knock and a door that almost went unanswered, I wish her well.

Throughout this ordeal, I wasn't scared per se, just paranoid after a lifetime obsession with true crime and months of bingeing the podcast My Favorite Murder. I was torn. The realistic part of me said "girls gotta look out for each other" but the much larger, sensational part of me said "you don't know her life, she could have a gun in that backpack!" and the only thing that scares me more than guns is people dressed as rabbits. 

What it all came down to was one simple question. Would I rather be the type of person who didn't help someone in need, or go down as the moron who got murdered after inviting a stranger into her house?

I think you'll find I chose wisely.


*Names have not been changed because I didn't have time (or care enough) to Photoshop this.

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

How To: Online Date

Continuing the White Girl Wednesday tradition of giving advice in fields I know very little to absolutely nothing about, today's post is a tutorial in online dating. I haven't met my soulmate on a dating site, but I have read Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari, so who better to give you online dating advice? (Aside from literally anyone who has been in a relationship ever.)

Stigma Schmiga
Why is there a social stigma about meeting someone on the internet? Think about it, there are much weirder ways to meet people. You could meet someone while you're trying to steal their car. Or while you're shoplifting from the mall store they manage. Or probably in some situation that doesn't even involve larceny, but the possibilities multiply exponentially when you go online. How else are you going to meet someone while sitting alone in your apartment wearing your raccoon pajamas and binge-watching Little Women: Atlanta with a pint of ice cream and a pepperoni pizza (hypothetically)? So let's spend less time judging people for meeting online, and more time inventing new ways to eat butter as a meal. Lobster is great but can we not find a more affordable conduit? The point is, we can't all meet the love of our lives in high school no matter what your 13-year-old cousin who just got her braces off says. We do literally everything else on the internet these days. Shopping. Working. Watching TV. Learning how to (almost) solve a Rubik's cube. I know several introverts praying that by 2018 we've eliminated the human interaction facet of dating (and living) entirely.

Profiles
It's intimidating trying to craft the perfect dating profile. Summarizing yourself in 140 characters or less makes it feel like you're applying to an elite creative writing camp, not eHarmony. I think it's beneficial to make a joke or ask a question in your bio. Making a joke lets them know that you're hilarious and a sense of humor is the number 3 quality men look for in a partner after 1) looks and 2) everything else. Asking a question makes you approachable because instead of having to think of something clever to say, all the guy has to do is answer your question which seems to be easy enough even for them unless the question is "When are we getting married?" or "Do you prefer ivory or cream for the wall sconces?" 

Pictures
Your pictures should be carefully selected and say something about you. Something like "I'm adventurous" or "I love animals" or "We could travel together" or "I'm really hot." Just make sure your pictures DON'T say "my friends are more attractive than I am" and make sure potential suitors can tell which one you are. There is nothing more frustrating than swiping right hoping for the guy on the left only to get a 2 a.m. snapchat from the guy in the middle. Your photo repertoire shouldn't consist entirely of selfies and wearing sunglasses in every picture is cheating. For guys, wearing hats in every picture is cheating. What are you hiding under there? How bad can your skull possibly be?

Meet Cutes
A contributing factor to the "stigma" of online dating is that we keep asking couples how they met. Why? We don't ask best friends where they met because it doesn't matter. I met all of my best friends in high school, college, or church and the stories are really not that interesting. No one ever asks you about the time you met your younger brother. "Well, one time, when I was 6, my mom got like, really fat, I stayed with my grandparents for a few days, and then my parents brought home another human being and have ignored my existence ever since."
So if you met someone online and don't want to share that with the world...lie! Make something up, synchronize your stories and sell it.
"We met in prison."
"He was my AA sponsor."
"I stole his car."
"She's my parole officer."

Opening Lines
Along with asking couples how they met even though we really don't care and will probably just talk crap about it later, we also like to ask about the first words. Who started the conversation? Who said "I love you" first? Who quoted Eminem in a fight most recently? Since you know people are going to ask, you should probably make your opener something a little more crowd-pleasing than "heyyyyy" (don't act like you use any less than 5 y's). I recommend communicating only via GIFs and quotes from your favorite 90s film. That really weeds out the duds.

Stranger Danger
Another reason some people are afraid to try online dating is the anonymity. Ever seen Catfish? Me too, and I take a ton of notes. How do you know that the person you're talking to really is who they say they are? What if your Nigerian prince turns out to actually be an Algerian prince? Or, more likely, a 50-something white woman living in Alabama. So the first rule of online dating is meet in public! Prior to your initial meeting, I would recommend that you Snapchat as well because there are only so many filters out there and much to my dismay, Snapchat has yet to introduce a Beyonce filter so they can't hide too much from you. I mean a prison record, crippling debt, 3 children and a live-in girlfriend? Sure. But a unibrow? No way.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Lazy Girl Gift Guide

This isn't your typical gift guide. It's a lazy girl gift guide although no matter how fragile your masculinity, I promise you guys can use this too. Instead of suggesting gifts for your loved ones based on their relation to you, personalities, likes and interests, I'm going to suggest gifts on a store-by-store basis. Why is this helpful? I'm glad I pretended that you asked. We all have coupons. Customer loyalty points. Old gift cards. Discounts and sales promotions that we want to take advantage of. Thanks to the lazy girl gift guide, you can search a store and find what Christmas gifts you can buy there. So much easier than actually putting thought and effort into a unique gift.
You're welcome.

Bath & Body Works
Who among us couldn't use another candle, hand soap or body wash? It's the gift that says "I forgot you existed and someone gave me this heinous scent last year, so here you go." For the monsters in your life who don't love a 3-wick candle, there's also lotions, hand sanitizers and an entire aromatherapy line. If you can't find something for your friend here you probably shouldn't be friends with them.

Bed Bath & Beyond
I recently came into a rather generous Bed Bath & Beyond gift card myself so I was delighted to find that they carry KichenAid mixers. Another 37 gift cards or so and I will be well on my way to purchasing one. Really the only gift you need to be aware of here is a touch-activated candy dispenser that is on sale for $10. Who would not benefit from that gift? Exactly. Buy it.

Champs Sports
Giving a gift from Champs is a great way to say "You're a male and I don't really know much about you, but I do know what state you're from and/or currently residing in." A Panthers t-shirt or a Hornets toboggan and you're golden.*
*Be advised, if you know they're from California or Texas but don't know what part of the state, you could still strike out...speaking of which, just get 'em a baseball. How much do those cost? 5, 10 cents?

Claire's
Is there a special pre-teen in your life? Or perhaps an adult who refuses to buy real silver in this economy? Claire's is your one-stop shopping destination for earrings covered in glitter, necklaces covered in glitter, makeup covered in glitter and clip-in hair extensions covered in, you guessed it, simple and elegant mini pearls. (Just kidding, also glitter.) Not to mention the wide array of BFF jewelry to choose from. A gift from Claire's will have your little cousins saying "Just get me an iTunes gift card, weirdo."

Kohl's
Kohl's is the only remaining realm where J Lo and Marc Anthony are still together, making it one of the happiest places on earth. With additional lines by Lauren Conrad, Juicy Couture and Vera Wang, I would like the middle school bullies who picked on me to know that Kohl's is actually a very fashionable place to shop!

Michael's 
So. Many. Sales. I want to meet this proverbial Michael and thank him. If you know anyone who has ever used the acronym DIY you can get them something at Michael's. If your girlfriends have Pinterest accounts, boom! There's the wish list. It really could not be easier. Unless you got them a gift card. That would be easier.

Sears
I got my 8th grade prom dress at Sears. (Sorry Brendan, I know you're embarrassed by that.) Sears is a great place to get tools according to my dad and family portraits according to my mom. What my parents always failed to mention is that you can also buy your kids a swing set, bouncy house, obstacle course or trampoline at Sears.

Target
1 word. Outerwear. Hats, scarves, gloves. You don't have to worry about sizing and honestly, if you live somewhere really cold you don't even have to worry about color & style because if they completely hate it they'll probably just keep it in their car for emergencies.

Ulta
Ho ho holiday kits! You can get really great deals on palettes, brushes, perfume and more at Christmastime. And let's not forget the skincare savior du jour, sheet masks. A gift that could be offensive but they're so expensive that no one will care that you're telling them to work on their complexion. And free shipping on any $50 purchase means you might just have to order something for yourself too. Oops.

Vera Bradley
Do you ever see a woman who is a mother or aunt and think "she really doesn't own enough paisley or pastels"? Well kill 2 birds with 1 quilted tote bag at Vera Bradley! You might be thinking that your loved one already has a ton of Very Bradley, how many prints can one gal need? Before you move on to Ann Taylor or Chico's, ask yourself, "Does she have Vera Bradley hair ties? A Vera Bradley lanyard patterned with the logo of her alma mater? Vera Bradley colored pencils?" If the answer to all of the above was yes, you're on your own because I really can't help you. Maybe have a PRINTervention. (hahahaI'msoooooosingle)

Walmart 
Honestly, what can't you buy at Walmart? Food, housewares, makeup, toys, books, Subway sandwiches. But more importantly, for just $99 you can buy your favorite toddler a mini Volkswagen bus to cruise around in. Best uncle ever? I think so.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Log Post

My 3-year-old mini me wanted this "log post" to be about "putting Donald in the back" and while I honestly cannot say whether that is political commentary or a confirmation of her favorite cartoon poultry, I decided to go in a different direction. Today's post will reveal which Christmas character you are based on your Myers-Briggs type and as I am typing this my mini is bringing me every pink thing she owns and placing it in my lap. I can tell she thinks this is helping with the "log post" but if the only parameter is pink belongings, this game will never end for her. You can safely assume that any grammatical errors in this post are the result of me trying to see around a pile of salmon-colored stuffed animals that she just told me are for Rihanna. I'm as confused as you are...if not more.

ESTJ-The Guardian
Santa Claus
The big fruitcake himself (I was going for a Christmas take on ‘the big cheese’ and I gotta say…I think I nailed it). You're in charge of so much that I ALMOST forgive you for forgetting to bring me furby in 1999. (I got one later and it was beyond demonic so good call, I'll never doubt your judgment again.)

ESTP-The Doer
Hermey the Elf
When it comes to Christmas, others may daydream with their heads in the snow but you want to get it done. Whether it’s baking, shopping, decorating, wrapping or dentistry, you see the egg nog as half full.

ESFJ-The Caregiver
Frosty the Snowman
Always thinking of others because you know that some people are worth melting for...or was that another famous snowman? Why are there multiple people made of frozen water more famous than I am? Life's not fair.

ESFP-The Performer
Rudolph
You love for your personality equivalent of a bright red nose to shine, especially during Christmas when you have a captive audience. What if the cousins you never see forgot how awesome you are? Better play Silent Night on your recorder one more time, for good measure.

ISTJ-The Duty Fulfiller
The Elf on the Shelf
You want the kids to enjoy Christmas but they have to do their chores and behave first! Why are there no horror movies about elves? A big man watching you when you sleep and coming into your house is concerning sure, but these guys are inanimate objects that move and have adventures. Creepy.

ISTP-The Mechanic
Clark Griswold
You want this Christmas (and every Christmas, vacation, animal house and class reunion) to be perfect and you know that failing to plan means planning to fail. Just maybe don’t have any cats over for the holidays? 

ISFJ-The Nurturer
Cindy Lou Who
You want everyone to be included at Christmas time, no matter how scroogey or green they appear. (PS - I would love the name of your hairdresser.)

ISFP-The Artist
Captain Bob Wallace
You know that Christmas is the perfect time to display something beautiful, like a slightly drag performance of a song about sisters. You believe in providing something showstopping and heartwarming.

ENTJ-The Executive
Jack Skellington
You have to call the shots whether you like it or not so this Christmas take it easy and save the decorating and cooking and party planning for Halloween. Now there's a holiday.

ENTP-The Visionary
Buddy the Elf
You see Christmas for all that it could be and will stop at nothing less than dazzling. Outdoor lights, indoor lights, a tree in every room…you want it all. Make sure your holiday feast covers all the major food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corn and syrup.

ENFJ-The Giver
Mickey Mouse
Just like America’s favorite mouse in Mickey’s Once Upon a Christmas, your favorite part of Christmas is the gift giving. Here's a hint, if you ask for a bookcase don't sell all your books to buy presents. Actually don't sell your books ever. Books are people too.

ENFP-The Inspirer
Linus
You never lose sight of the true meaning of the holiday and make sure that everyone else remembers too. Don’t forget to think of yourself a little this Christmas, perhaps ask for a new blanket?

INTJ-The Scientist
Heat Miser
You like Christmas fine, you just don't see why it can't be 10 - 60 degrees warmer. I'm dreaming of a green Christmas myself so I would appreciate if you would work a little of your red magic in North Carolina.

INTP-The Thinker
The Grinch
You can get a little down thinking of all the holiday logistics, baking and buying and wrapping and writing. And in your defense, it does seem like every gift given in Whoville was created with the express purpose of creating noise. Just focus on the roast beast. And poor Max.

INFJ-The Protector
Mrs. Claus
When it comes to traditions, you don't mess around. If you have to go over everyone's head, straight to the big guy himself, you will. And as a woman, you've got to be the real mastermind here, right? A man making it to every house in the world, in one night, without asking for directions? Yeah right.

INFP-The Idealist
Snow Miser
You value the archetypal Christmas and providing a scenic holiday for everyone. Don't get frostbite this winter and be nice to your brother.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

War Paint

I'd like to take some time to address an issue that is currently plaguing society and I'm not talking about vape pens. Although I was really tempted to write a blog post called "The Vape Debate" but then I realized that with vaping, like most issues, I choose to see only one side.

So I'm tackling another issue...the idea that women wear makeup to impress men.

*Pause for laughter

Guys, here are some lines that will annoy me every time:

"I like when girls don't wear makeup."
"I don't like your makeup like that."
"Guys don't notice eye liner."
"Why do girls wear so much makeup?"
"No guy likes black lipstick."
"Guys like girls with long hair."

My response to all of those would be "k."

I *clap* do *clap* not *clap* wear *clap* makeup *clap* for *clap* you. (I feel like that needs just one more *clap*.)

If you've ever seen me in the so-called real world then you know most days I don't even wear makeup for me. Let alone for some guy who has no idea what the difference between highlighting and strobing is. Even though I have never successfully pulled off either look, I speak the language. I know all the jargon just like I know that my 1.5 fluid ounces of Benefit primer costs more than all of your hair products for a year.

So I'm going to break down each of these idiotic statements one by one to explain once more why I do not care what you think of my makeup or lack thereof. You get a Y chromosome and I get to have a haughty attitude about overpriced and undersized beauty products. Deal with it dog.

"I like when girls don't wear makeup."
Trust me, no you don't. You don't like no makeup you like "the no makeup look" which actually requires a lot of makeup. Honestly, slap a set of false eyelashes on a girl who you guys think is wearing no makeup and you will find that she's gone full-Kardashian in the bat of one seriously heavy lash.

"I don't like your makeup like that."
I'm sorry? And do you think we like the soul patches or the neck beard you've been trying to grow since last No-Shave November? You don't have to like my makeup. You don't even have to look at it. Block me on snapchat. I don't care.

"Guys don't notice eye liner." 
Well duh. They also don't notice that by mid-December maybe it's time to stop wearing Nike shorts every day or that women even have eyes a lot of the time. If I spent 15 minutes in the morning to handcraft a winged liner look that is somewhat even, am I going to waste my time showing Steve from HR? No! I'm gonna show Jessica from Accounting who will actually appreciate it.

"Why do girls wear so much makeup?"
Did you ever think that maybe, just maybe, underneath all this makeup, I'm ugly? I never did. And then snapchat filters came out and now I know. My skin is too uneven, my nose is too wide, my eyes are too small and I don't even have puppy dog ears. Thanks Evan Spiegel.

"No guy likes black lipstick." 
Okay. Tbh I don't even like black lipstick. It's a very labor-intensive look that ensures my night is full of mirror checks, touch-ups and avoiding food. But I wear it anyway. 'Cause I'm a rockstar.

"Guys like girls with long hair."
Guess what? Girls like girls with long hair! Do you think I want to be friends with a female who is secure enough in herself to be proud of her bone structure? No way! My friends better Rapunzel it up and hide those non-existent cheek bones or I'm out!