Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Uber Nightmares

It's 2016 and at this point almost everyone has had the displeasure of taking an Uber. But not all rides are created equal. Ever heard of surge pricing? This week's post is about 3 rides in particular that stand out in my nightmares and flashbacks.

The Uber That Almost Wasn't
Our journey begins in downtown Raleigh. Parking is a nightmare so instead of dealing with all that we're Ubering. Big mistake. We're cold, we're tired, everyone's feet hurt but mine because I'm wearing Crocs. We order and cancel like 5 Ubers that never come. There are taxis courting us and another Uber pulled over in front of us. Can we just take that Uber? Or will someone else be charged for that? If that's the case, do we even care? How does any of this electronic money even work?!
For awhile we remain committed to waiting for our most recently ordered Uber. Now I don't know how Uber works but I think they give whatever driver you match with your location. I'm terrible with directions AND a terrible driver and even I don't think following a GPS is that hard.
Eventually, fed up with our would-be driver, we try to convince the driver who has pulled over to drive us. What a feat that was. He said he could only drive 4 people and we had 5. Why do I have so many friends? We ask if he would consider giving us a ride if one of us is really small. We force Lauren over to the passenger door so our driver can see just how small she is. I shout to him that she was a preemie, thinking that would help. (I have no idea how close to the due date she was or wasn't born.) He finally relents and lets us pile into his car, and what a car it was.
So this Uber is a Lincoln with all the bells and whistles. I don't know anything about cars but I'm pretty sure Ubers don't normally have heated back seats. The whole ride he is trying to ensure that he gets app credit for this ride but that doesn't seem to be working and we would really rather he focus on the road. He gives up at some point and starts making comments about how we're getting this ride for free despite our repeated assurances that we will pay him cash. The total fare? $13. That would BARELY cover a meal at Arby's for most people (named Rachel). Calm down dude. We ended up giving him $23 and probably a migraine.

The Uber on Empty
This adventure began when we tried to leave an NC State tailgate. We didn't have a parking pass so we made our good friend Aubrey pick us up. But then our friends had tickets to the game so we were on our own. First we waited for surge pricing to go down as all the like-minded party people made their way home. When we could finally afford to Uber the 5 miles home, we waited for what felt like an hour but was probably actually closer to 10 minutes. Nothing. So we call and after several minutes of directing him to us and us watching his little car icon get further and further away, our driver informs us that he has to get gas. We are full of tailgate food (Halloween cookies, pizza dip and pigs in a blanket). We are exhausted (we had been tailgating since 10:00 AM). We are HOT (it was over 80 degrees, I got a little sunburn). We have to pee (I drank 3 bottles of water. Thanks Aubrey). Poor Caroline worked until 4:00 AM the night before so she just lays down in the grass and either naps or resigns to death. When the Uber FINALLY arrives, we all fall asleep on the way home. Literally all of us. Asleep. That was very stupid. Poor decision making. One of the dumbest things I've ever done and I once let a homeless man escort me to an ATM across the street to get him cash. We could have been kidnapped (technically at our age it's abduction and not kidnapping but diction is everything). But we woke up, made it home safely, and lived to take another Uber.

The Uber Where We Gossip
This one really takes the cake not because of the Uber experience but because of the events leading up to the ride.
Picture it. Mid-June. Downtown Raleigh. The 1975 concert. We arrived at the venue packed into a Prius. Caroline literally rode in the trunk. We stopped outside Red Hat Amphitheater and I opened the trunk so she could crawl out. Almost everyone else at the concert was a girl on the wrong side of puberty with her mom at worst, cool aunt at best. After the concert Caroline and I got separated from our other friends when fans stopped me for an autograph (or something like that, I can't remember all the details). They were going to the bathroom so we head over to the toilets to wait. While sitting on a bench outside the restrooms, a security guard asks us if we're waiting on someone. We respond that yes, we are waiting on friends in the bathroom and as soon as he leaves another security guard asks us the same thing. We tell him that despite appearances, we do not want to spend our Friday night sitting outside a public restroom. When our friends finally exit the bathroom, we're asking them what they want to do next while we start making our way out of the venue. Yet another security guard approaches us and literally says "Come on girls, you can gossip in the car."
I'm not one to get offended, or assume sexism or give law enforcement officers a hard time but...seriously? We can gossip in the car? We weren't gossiping at all, we were trying to be responsible adults and make a plan. We didn't tell him that he could play fantasy football and wear cargo shorts in the car.
And now for the Uber. After ordering an Uber, waiting for said Uber and meeting it on the corner, the Uber driver says she can't drive more than 4 people. We have exactly 5. Of course. Because that's how my life works. So we get an Uber XL but by the time it arrives one of our friends has left. We could have taken the cheaper, smaller Uber after all but it's too late now so we hop in. During our ride we discuss art, politics and current events and don't even have time to gossip.

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

The following is a record of the events of Saturday, October 8, 2016 as I remember them.
No cats were harmed in the making of this blog post.
But there were some close calls.

8:45 AM - I wake up to one of my alarms (I always set at least 3 alarms) and realize that as promised, it is raining heavily and has been all morning as evidenced by the standing brown water puddles speckling the parking lot.

8:55 AM - I decide that to be a responsible adult I must cancel my plans in Chapel Hill for the day. This is partially due to dangerous driving conditions, partially due to my terrible windshield wipers that I promised my mother I would get replaced back in March and partially due to the fact that I am not willing to go down as the idiot who died because she was driving 30 miles in a hurricane to get to her favorite donut shop.

9:09 AM - Both of my friends are surprisingly fine with me remaining in Raleigh for the day. One would think they would be heartbroken to miss a chance at seeing me. I try not to read too much into it. Storms make people crazy.

9:11 AM - I make my way into the living room after checking all the important apps from the comfort of my bed (Words With Friends & Buzzfeed). I begin a Gilmore Girls marathon that will unfortunately end far sooner than I'd hoped (foreshadowing).

9:30 AM - I work on one of my Halloween costumes, I'm making spooky bell sleeves for a Morticia Addams getup. It is slow going but I rest in the assurance that once complete, these sleeves will look completely mediocre and my students will probably make fun of me.

10:11 AM - I decide to eat breakfast like a functional adult and get over that real quick when about 3 bites in I decide the milk is bad. It wasn't past date but I'm really weird about these things. Actually I'm really weird about most things.

10:14 AM - I settle on a Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cup for breakfast. I have a complicated history with Butterfinger Cups. I avoided them like the plague for years. Only recently did I discover the magic of those crispy, buttery cups that are surprisingly finger-free.

10:16 AM - I have breakfast seconds. Luckily I have just bought a bag of 40 Butterfinger Peanut Butter Cups "for my students".

10:18 AM - I proceed watching Gilmore Girls and doing not much else. I hear from a few family members who have already lost power. I pity their souls.

11:34 PM - I finally throw away last year's Christmas candy.

12:17 PM - After some flickers, I decide to eat lunch now in case modern electricity fails me. I bake 2 bread sticks, eat some turkey, drink a Dr. Pepper. This is the life.

1:13 PM - Our adventure begins. After a morning of flickers and 2 false alarms, I deduce that the power is out for real and possibly forever.

1:15 PM - By this point I have envisioned the entire globe plunged into darkness, humanity reverts to the Stone Age or the Iron Age, whichever one has cuter outfits.

1:20 PM - I talk myself down, remain calm, do some dishes. Clean my room (kind of).

1:42 PM - Now in survival mode, I raise all the blinds to get some natural light in the apartment. I also open the door to our deck to let some cool air in. I've seen Naked and Afraid, I know how to get by with the bare minimum. I have only my phone, food, clothes, blankets, 2 laptops, an iPod, an iPad, a lantern, a flashlight, running water, furniture and shelter to use for survival. It's going to be a long day.

1:43 PM - I contemplate changing my name to MacGyver.

2:16 PM - No television. No phone charger. I'm wondering if this is what it's like at Guantanamo.

3:47 PM - I wake up briefly from a nap but decide it's in my best interest to try to go back to sleep, maybe ride this whole no power thing out. I dream of waking up in a well-lit apartment with the ceiling fan humming.

4:14 PM - I wake up for good and finish Jenny Mollen's second book. She's funnier than I wanted her to be given how pretty she is. Given the internet (and real life) stalking abilities she mentioned in her first book I have reason to believe she might read this. Jenny, if you're there, yes I would love to write a book and/or star on a podcast with you.

4:32 PM - I decide I better finish my sewing project from earlier.

4:44 PM - Sewing in the dark is hard. Ask my thumb.

5:31 PM - I wonder how my favorite waitress is doing. She lives in the area and I hope she's okay.

5:33 PM - I need to listen to something besides the sound of my own voice. This is the first time I've ever thought that so I know that the lack of Lauren Graham's voice in my apartment is really getting to me.

5:34 PM - I listen to an indie cover of a Bee Gees song. Solid choice.

6:58 PM - It's now or never. I need to have dinner. Not because I'm hungry but because after hours of darkness, I'm bored. Boredom is the source of 97% of my caloric intake. I open the fridge quickly and pull out turkey.

7:22 PM - I have now eaten half a pound of turkey by myself in less than 24 hours. Call me Beyonce cause I ain't sorry.

7:23 PM - I start to think I really ought to light some candles. Isn't that what they did in the olden days?

7:24 PM - I locate the fire extinguisher.

7:25 PM - I break down and light candles. I HATE lighting multiple candles and I especially HATE lighting candles in the same room as cats. I'm very paranoid and afraid that they will knock them over and I'll be one of those morons who manages to start a fire in a monsoon.

7:32 PM - The cats run across an end table that holds a candle. I move the candle to the highest possible altitude and inform the cats that if they start a fire I will grab the nearest books and promptly leave them to burn.

8:21 PM - I need to shave and wash my hair but I'm not looking forward to the cold water. I blow out all the candles in the living room because I don't trust the cats at all. I light a different assortment of candles in my bathroom. I call the scent pumpkin-eucalyptus-mahogany-ocean breeze. Yummy.

8:23 PM - Miracle of all miracles I still have hot water. I'm excited about the hot water but a little concerned that I definitely have no idea how science works because I've spent 7 hours thinking the power would affect my water temperature.

8:24 PM - I'm particularly thankful for Brendan and Chelsea for buying me an assortment of Bath & Body Works' finest over the years. What would I do without those two and Butterfingers?

8:25 PM - Due to the whole not electricity thing my bathroom is really dark and I can't read in there. I get super bored.

8:27 PM - I have a revelation. All day I've been thinking that if things get really bad I can watch YouTube videos on my laptop. It is not until precisely 8:27 PM that I realize my computer can't connect to the internet because the power is out. The power that controls the wifi. I'm an idiot.

9:00 PM -  I am SOOO glad I never saw Lights Out.

9:17 PM - I hear a curious beep and despite literal hours of hoping for that very beep I do not immediately recognize it as the power coming back on.

9:18 PM - Luckily the sound of everyone in my apartment complex cheering solves the mystery of the phantom beep for me. The power is back. Mankind is saved. And more importantly, I can watch Lin-Manuel Miranda on Saturday Night Live after all.

9:19 PM - Some guy outside yells "BENJAMIN FRANKLIN!"

Benjamin Franklin indeed.

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

Pumpkin Pietronus

Have you taken & been disappointed by Buzzfeed's food patronus quiz? I got wine as my food patronus. The fact that I got anything other than bread, pizza or cookies is unacceptable enough but I don't even drink. My friend Meagan took the quiz and got kale. I would NEVER be friends with someone who eats kale. So I made my own quiz because it's 2016 and apparently I have to do EVERYTHING in this great nation.

What is your fall food patronus? 
1. What is your favorite thing about fall?
A. Pumpkin spice EVERYTHING 
B. Tailgating! 
C. Thanksgiving
E. Ummm...nothing?

2. What's your favorite color?
A. Pink!
B. All of them 
C. Blue
D. Black
E. Green

3. What would you rather be for Halloween?
A. A cat 
B. A group costume 
C. A witch
D. Something super original and intricate
E. Anything I can be with items I already own

4. What is your favorite part of Thanksgiving?
A. Selfies with my fam 
B. Being with family 
C. Turkey
D. Black Friday!
E. The food

5. What is your favorite fall decoration?
A. Painted mini pumpkins! 
B. Plaid blankets in warm tones for snuggling 
C. Pumpkins
D. Spider webs, skulls, witches and ghosts
E. Leaves are okay I guess

6. What would you bring to a tailgate?
A. Pizza dip
B. Wings
C. Pigs in a blanket 
D. Cannolis that look like fingers
E. A bag of chips

7. What is your favorite television show?
A. Grey's Anatomy
B. Friday Night Lights
C. Everybody Loves Raymond
D. American Horror Story
E. Friends

Mostly As
Pumpkin Spice Latte
You're a typical "fall is life" girl who appreciates all things instagrammable about the season. Pumpkin patches, plaid and of course PSLs. Your fingers are itching to use those falling leaves emojis all year.
I only ask that you try to stick to my simple rule of elbows and/or knees showing = no scarves. 

Mostly Bs
You love that fall brings people together. Bonfires. Football games. Apple picking. You love any snack you can share with friends and come autumn, you can be found with s'more friends in Adirondack chairs around a fire. 
Bonus points if you make me a s'mores dip, I am DYING to try one of those.

Mostly Cs
Sweet Potato Casserole
You're a conventional soul who appreciates family and all of the traditions associated with fall. Like a sweet potato casserole with nuts, marshmallows and what is technically a vegetable I believe, you're appreciated by everyone.
Except me. I hate sweet potatoes.

Mostly Ds
Halloween Candy
You LIVE for Halloween. Though normally super sweet, you're don't shy away from the sour. While you couldn't care less about falling leaves or fall decor, you decorate for Halloween on October 1st and plan your costumes a year in advance. November 1st begins the planning for next Hallows' Eve.
My own fall food patronus is Halloween candy so congrats! You win the quiz!

Mostly Es
Tomato Basil Soup 
You're not entirely on board with this whole fall thing but still love me enough to take this quiz. Like a thick tomato basil soup, you can be enjoyed year round but just seem better in the fall. Especially with a grilled cheese hot off the Snackmaster.
Snackmaster didn't even pay me to seamlessly incorporate that product promotion.

Mixed Answers
You value all the different aspects of fall, like a versatile chili. Throw in some venison during deer season, turkey around Thanksgiving and add more chili powder the colder it gets.
Just don't add corn that's weird. Actually, don't add any vegetables. 

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Model Behavior

People often ask me, "Rachel, why don't you write a book about yourself?" and that is due in large part to the fact that I don't think Abandonment Issues The Musical would be a bestseller but also because as much as I love TALKING about myself, I prefer WRITING about other things. Like my childhood. The crazy situations I find myself in. My personality. And my opinions. I guess I could write a book about myself after all.

So I'll start this week by weighing in on a recent celeb controversy. Now I love celebrity news as much as the next pathetic wannabe, but sometimes E! News and and even my best (only) friend Buzzfeed, go too far. Two models have attracted national attention recently, basically for being human beings doing their jobs. And after years of watching America's Next Top Model I am more than koalafied to discuss it.

Kendall Jenner
Kendall Jenner received a lot of backlash when she did a photo shoot as a ballerina. People were mad that Vogue Espana used a model for the photo shoot and not a real ballerina. Correct me if I'm wrong (cause I'm not)...but isn't that what models are for? I don't think Kate Moss exclusively wears Rimmel makeup. Gisele has been the face of half a dozen perfumes. Are we supposed to believe she layers them on every day? And I hate to break it to y'all, but I know for a fact that Heidi Klum doesn't take daily trips to Carl's Jr. Because I've seen her. Consumers don't want to buy products from normal people. Is anyone going to run out to buy Maybelline mascara* after viewing a close up of me? No. Book an appointment with their dermatologist? Maybe. The job of a model is to pretend. To make us rat-faced plebeians believe that if we buy the right products, we too can have legs like Karlie, cheekbones like Joan, lips like Miranda, skin like Chanel. Is the media telling us no one is allowed to pretend? I pretend every day. I pretend to be a confident, independent woman. I pretend to know the answer when my students ask me for help on their science homework. I pretend peanut butter doesn't have calories. And what about Halloween? I guess I can only dress as a teacher or internet troll or witch.

Gigi Hadid
"Gigi Hadid LASHES OUT"
"Not model behaviour. Frantic Gigi Hadid lashes out"
"Furious Gigi Hadid lashes out and elbows a fan in the face"
"Gigi Hadid aggressively lashes out and ELBOWS fan in the FACE after he tries to pick her up"

What actually happened was a total stranger picked Gigi up for several seconds until she elbowed him in the face and got away. My favorite thing about these headlines is that they all think they're being clever by using the phrase "lashes out" as if she exclusively models mascara. My least favorite thing about these headlines is that they are ridiculous and the Brits still don't know how to spell behavior. Saying she elbowed a fan makes it sound like a little girl asked for an autograph and Gigi gave her a jab to the throat. If this had happened to me, my dad (and my cousin Kelsey) would be livid if I DIDN'T elbow the guy in the face. And all of my uncles would probably sign me up for a concealed carry class within the week. People. She's a 21-year-old woman. A stalker grabbed her and she responded appropriately. Also, let's give this guy some credit. He didn't just try to pick her up. He succeeded. He literally picked her up. And homegirl got the heck outta there. Watching her walk the runway doesn't make me want to workout but seeing her smash that guy's face sure does.

In closing - it is 2016. There's a huge election coming up in 40 days. There's a Syrian refugee crisis. There's football to be watched. Blake Lively is pregnant for Pete's sake!** Can we not find more important things to talk about than people doing their job and protecting themselves?

*Maybelline has asked me to stop publicly endorsing them. I'm bad for business. So I take it back. I actually use Smaybeddine mascara.
**Who is this proverbial Pete and why is he capitalization worthy?

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

(Inter)Views From the 6

I don't have a ton of what adults would call "real world experience" but if there's two things I know, one of them is frozen yogurt toppings. Unfortunately, this blog post is about the other thing I know, and that's interviews.

I have been interviewed around 10 times but I have interviewed other people somewhere in the ballpark of 100 times. I've even interviewed someone in a ballpark! (That's a lie.) Since I identify primarily as an interviewer and not an interviewee, I am in a wonderful position to give advice on how you should answer the 6 most popular interview questions of 2016 as voted on by me.

Here are the questions I would be asking if I were interviewing literally anyone for any reason.

Are you a Kim or a Taylor? Explain.
You can honestly answer this question either way as long as your reasoning is sound.
Kim-My likes include being the center of attention, clapping back, selfies and wearing false lashes to the gas station. (SAME.)
Taylor-I like to be surrounded by an insanely large girl squad at all times and I write songs about everything that happens to me. (SAME.)

What are your weaknesses on social media?
Bad grammar? Excessive hashtags? Long captions? Overly frequent posts? As your potential employer these are things I need to know. If you have to check Instagram every 15 minutes, on the minute, that's fine. But if you feel the need to participate in #MCM or #WCW every week, we will have a problem. 

Why did your last relationship end?
Cheating? Addiction? Celebrity crushes? I gotta know. This is less about the job and more about me needing blog material. I would write about my own relationship failures but my biggest failure is that there is never a relationship to speak of.

Describe yourself in 3 memes.
Acceptable answers:
Harambe-Roses are red, I'm kind of blue because there's one less gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo.
Pizza Rat-Aren't we all pizza rat? I know I am.
Crazy Girlfriend-See above.

Unacceptable answers:
Dat Boi-It just creeps me out. The frog skin looks so waxy and frogs are disturbing. They're so fat but surprisingly agile. It's not fair.
Left Shark-I never got what was so impressive about left shark. Is he like the cultural icon of left-handed people? Because they already have Joan of Arc, Judy Garland, Jimi Hendrix AND Julia Roberts. I'm sensing a correlation between southpaws and J names.
The Most Interesting Man Alive-Everyone thinks they're the most interesting man alive. Only Cam Newton is ACTUALLY the most interesting man alive. Until you promote dental hygiene to hundreds of impressionable young fans, you can't answer with this. 

Where do you see Justin Bieber in 10 years? 
I want to know your vision for future of Canada's most questionable expat. Do you see the Biebs bankrupt? Married to Selena? Rejoining Instagram? If you answered married to Selena, please excuse yourself from the interview. Selena is a QUEEN and she deserves better.

If you could only use one Instagram filter for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?
Acceptable answers: no filter, Clarendon, Moon, Lark, Juno, Crema, Amaro, Mayfair, Rise, Hudson, Valencia, X-Pro II, Lo-Fi, Inkwell, Hefe, Nashville
Unacceptable answers: Gingham, Reyes, Slumber, Ludwig, Aden, Perpetua, Sierra, Willow
Clarendon is pretty much my life because it's the first filter and I don't actually care enough to go through all the options anymore. I've really matured. I don't trust people who use Reyes or Sierra. That's gonna be a deal breaker for me.

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

American Horror Story Season 6

I, for one, am super excited about tonight's premiere of American Horror Story season 6. I'm so excited that I don't care if you're excited or not, I'm going to blog about it anyway. I mean I do that every week but this week it's spooooooooky. Normally the theme for the season is revealed months in advance and we all die of anticipation until the new season begins. For season 6, FX has released limited trailers that only hint at the theme. So the entire fandom has no idea what the newest season will be about. Here are my guesses.

AHS: Election 2016. Make America Afraid Again.
with Leslie Jordan as Hillary Clinton
What...a nightmare. Just when you thought our future couldn't get any scarier, a pneumonia outbreak changes the game and a mysterious new candidate named Ben Ghazi takes the stage. Narrated by Joe Biden, this season will feature the fear that only comes once every 4 years. Election day.

AHS: There's a Roach in My Room
with Cheyenne Jackson as The Ex-terminator
There's a cockroach in your room and the only exterminator available is literally your ex(-terminator). What do you do? Combat the roach alone? Cave and call your former flame? Burn the house to the ground? Resign to death? This season reveals the outcome of each of those options in an homage to Run Lola Run.

AHS: No Wifi
with Sarah Paulson as your Mom who doesn't get what the big deal is
In 2016 can you imagine anything scarier than not having wifi? I can't. Except MAYBE a Grease 3. On AHS: No Wifi, angry mom Joan Crawford forces her children to do all sorts of unspeakable chores every time they accidentally claim to be bored. Yard work. Dusting. Even...bed making. It's senseless torture, you're just going to mess the sheets up later that night. But Mama Crawford don't care.

AHS: Killer Rabbits
with Finn Wittrock as Little Bunny Foo Foo
There is nothing more horrifying than people dressed as rabbits. If you get your child's picture taken with the Easter bunny you're a monster. If the thought of Little Bunny Foo Foo scooping up those innocent meecy mice and boppin' 'em on the head doesn't terrify you then you are probably a well-adjusted adult with no lingering pet issues. In this season the scariest bunnies of all time reprise their roles. Foo Foo is joined by Donnie Darko's pal Frank, Kevin Hart as Snowball and the entire cast of Watership Down.

AHS: Courage the Cowardly Dog
with Matt Bomer voicing Courage
That show is probably scarier than The Shining, The Exorcist, Psycho and Stephen King's middle school diary put together. And it was shown to children! I STILL can't eat eggplants! (I mean I didn't exactly eat them before but after, not a chance.) This continuation will show the devastating effects of humans ignoring Courage's warnings for years. Katz, Cajun Fox, that alien chicken, the duckling...I'm starting to understand my aforementioned lingering pet issues.

AHS: Insane Clown Posse
with Kathy Bates as Violent J
I know that we already had a killer clown in season 4, AHS: Freak Show, but his character arc is so sympathetic and It is being remade and there are scary clown sightings in North Carolina so why not? On AHS: Insane Clown Posse the Juggalos and Juggalettes and Juggakids and Juggapets use sinister tricks to get ahead in the wrestling industry. You can't spell Insane Clown Posse without insane.

AHS: Accidentally Liking Your Ex's Old Instagram Photo
with Angela Basset as Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
What could be scarier than that? And unlike moving into a haunted house, getting sent to an insane asylum, practicing witchcraft, joining the circus or becoming a vampire, this is something that could happen to any of us at any time. There are hundreds of victims every day. In this technologically terrifying season, Angela Basset's thumb is in the wrong place at the wrong time. Before she can unlike the post, Instagram crashes. In her post-double tap hysteria she gets a snapchat from her ex, but only the notification. This season follows her as she waits for the snapchat to load for an impossibly long 13 minutes.

I also wanted to let you all know that my brother released an album on iTunes yesterday (The CPD Project by Wurdship). Being the amazing older sister that I am, I am giving him a shout out even though he didn't even mention this blog in his album. At least I don't think he did...I haven't listened to it yet.

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

Sharknado Sequels

Sharknado 5:  Jacksonado
Set in the past, during the peak of the Jackson 5's popularity, this sharknado rips through a particularly brilliant performance of I Want You Back. The Jackson brothers are sucked up and twirling in the sky with sharks as their father races to save his money, I mean sons.
Cameos: Janet Jackson, Tito Jackson, La Toya Jackson, chainsaw

Sharknado 6: Sharknado Alley
Sharknados tear through the midwest in this action-packed sequel. When FEMA is incompetent as usual, professional athletes are called in to save the day and potentially do something worthwhile to earn their nine-figure salaries. Will they come in clutch or choke?
Cameos: Jamaal Charles, Dirk Nowitzki, Russell Westbrook, chainsaw

Sharknado 7: 7 Deadly Fins
When an unexpected sharknado hits Proverbia, Illinois, the government evacuates the local psychiatric institution to give the patients a chance at survival. Reuniting with the general population for the first time in decades, the liberated patients have to battle their reputations as well as each other. And also sharks.
Cameos: Abraham Lincoln (impersonator), Barack Obama (real deal), chainsaw

Sharknado 8: That Figures
The sharknado is back and this time it's circling the same part of the Pacific Northwest in a figure 8 pattern during music festival season. As the tiger shark twisters interrupt Fest by Northwest, the bands sacrifice their amps, but never their Starbucks, in an attempt to blow these bullies out of the sky.
Cameos: Death Cab for Cutie, Modest Mouse, Sir Mix-a-Lot, chainsaw

Sharknado 9: Sharks Have 9 Lives
In this continuation every shark must be impaled no fewer than 9 times to be killed when a sharknado hits Hollywood. Celebs must form squads of 9 to make it out alive and the claws will come out as they fight over mutual friends.
Cameos: Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Kim Kardashian, chainsaw

Sharknado 10: The Only 10 I See
A sharknado rips through a Tennessee beauty pageant, picking up all the hairspray, acrylic nails, fake lashes, wigs and eyeliner in its path. Spray tans will run. And so will you.
Cameos: Olivia Culpo, Donald Trump, Miss Teen South Carolina 2007*, chainsaw
*Y'all thought 2007 was a rough year for Britney? South Carolina had it way worse.

Click here to fill out a (super short) Google form telling me what you want to read about on White Girl Wednesday! Believe it or not, sometimes I run out of ideas. Or sometimes I blog about Hamilton thrice in a few months. So I want to know what YOU want. (But I cannot promise to honor it.)