Friday, July 21, 2017

How is Twitter Free?

Today's post includes my responses to some of the best trending tweets of Summer 2k17. Viva la Twitter. 

  • All our lives we've been trying to kill bees but now they're trying to peace out and leave us here to die and we might have realized we needed them too late and I think that's a lot like love and it terrifies me.
  • iTunes songs are still $1.29. I thought that was going to be a phase.
  • Hot dogs come in packs of twelves and hot dog buns come in packs of eights and it's 2017 can we not get it together already?
  • More and more restaurants are no longer offering Dr. Pepper and I'm not saying there's a correlation but this didn't seem to happen as often before Betsy DeVos took office. Just something to think about. 
  • Y'all. Cookie dough has ALWAYS been edible. If we fear salmonella, the eggs win. 
  • Yesterday my mother tried to serve me vegan sausage. Call me crazy I just feel like as a vegan there are some sacrifices you make and things you give up and sausage is one of those things. 

  • Falling in love with someone who doesn't believe in microwaves.
  • "Let's try to eat organic."
  • One day my husband may come home and say "I don't think we really need cable."
  • "Have you ever considered a tiny home?"
  •  Finding the perfect guy but he has an outie bellybutton and we pass it on to our children.
  • Going on a date with someone who tells the waiter we're fine when they ask if we want more bread.
  • A spouse who likes Twenty One Pilots.

  •  She makes the women from I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant look like mother of the year material.
  • I can't even fall asleep with makeup on.
  • I really wish I could bottle her "ahh, I'm sure it's fine" attitude and sell it. To myself.
  • Why do I get the feeling that she has dozens of bobby pins hiding in her hair. 
  • And I thought I was a hoarder. 
  • I feel like the back half of her eyeballs looked like they were layered in several feet of bubble wrap. 

  •  I've seen doll houses I can't afford.
  • When I was that age I was proud of how hard I worked to keep my Monday nights free for The Secret Life of the American Teenager. It actually wasn't hard, I didn't have many friends. 
  • Minimum wage is really getting out of hand. 
  • When I was 16 I was struggling to afford Nike shorts.
  • Wait how do you even know what to do with a house at 17 & 16? I didn't use a dishwasher until my early 20s. We had one growing up I just thought it was dish storage.

All images courtesy of Twitter. Y'all wild.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Game of Stars

If you aren't caught up on Game of Thrones, 1) re-evaluate your priorities and 2) don't read this.

Now that we're among friends, in honor of the long-awaited return to Westeros Sunday night, White Girl Wednesday presents Game of Stars (I could have easily named this post "I Want Cersei Dead"), your official zodiac guide to the houses of Game of Thrones.

Aries - The Bold
House Bolton
"Our blades are sharp."
("A naked man has few secrets; a flayed man, none.")
Representative: Ramsay Bolton
Say what you will about the Boltons (inhumane, disgusting, ruthless), they are nothing if not bold. Most internet rankings consider Ramsay the top villain on GoT but let's remember that this house also produced amazing singer-songwriter Michael and basketball star slash theater ingenue Troy.

Taurus - The Generous
House Arryn
"As high as honor."
Representative: Jon Arryn
Generous? Lysa and Robin not so much but at least Jon was honorable. I don't trust Littlefinger but I have to admire a man who will still help the lady who shoved him back into not even the friendzone but the creepy-admirer-of-my-mother zone. Although let's be real, if your friend set you up on a blind date with Ramsay Bolton it would take years, maybe lifetimes, to make that right.

Gemini - The Expressive
House Greyjoy
"We do not sow."
("What is dead may never die.")
Representative: Yara Greyjoy 
Theon and Euron certainly know how to express themselves, just not through needlework. Yara is another one of my favorites, I just hope that her and Dany don't become Selena and Taylor and make Missandei Demi. Ya dig?

Cancer - The Nurturer
House Stark
"Winter is coming." 
Representatives: Sansa & Arya Stark
Sansa is probably the more nurturing of the two, she made sure Ramsay's dogs were well-fed. Ned was the most honorable man in the Seven Kingdoms but, as Sansa reminded us all, he was really, really stupid. Right now House Stark is concerned with the bigger picture, saving everyone from the White Walkers even though I think they should be devoting at least 50% of their resources towards killing Cersei.

Leo - The Confident
House Lannister
"Hear me roar!"
("A Lannister always pays his debts.")
Representative: Cersei Lannister
The Lannisters are the leos, naturally, but I would argue their confidence is more cockiness. I hate the Lannisters and more than anything I hate Cersei. I hate her more than Joffrey and Ramsay put together. Let that sink in. She's stupid confident and always manages to get her way and I will never forgive HBO if she's still breathing in the final episode. 

Virgo - The Practical
House Frey
"We stand together."
Representative: Walder Frey 
I know the Freys are the worst but how frustrating is it that you supposedly can't kill guests due to etiquette? You've got to admire the practicality of cutting out the middle man of battle and just going for it right after dinner. Luckily, the North remembered and those Freys stood together and died together. Suckaaaaas. 

Libra - The Fair
House Mormont
"Here we stand."
Representative: Lyanna Mormont. Duh.
Just give her the Iron Throne already. This child is loyal, fierce, terrifying and bossy. I love her. She's twice the man Joffrey could have ever been. I know she's a fictional character but I'm not against her being on our currency. And let's not forget Ser Jorah, my only GoT love interest who is still alive. 

Scorpio - The Intense
House Baratheon
"Ours is the fury."
Representative: Stannis Baratheon 
I would say burning your daughter alive is pretty intense. The Baratheons are an interesting bunch. You've got lovesick Robert, equally lovesick Renly and puppet Stannis who does whatever Melisandre says. I have to admit, I love Melisandre. I like the bad girls of Game of Thrones. Except for Cersei. She can go die.

Sagittarius - The Independent
House Martell
"Unbowed, unbent, unbroken."
Representative: Ellaria Sand 
The Martells do things their way and only interact with the other inhabitants of Westeros when it's absolutely necessary because Dorne is its own little world. Ellaria and the Sand Snakes are kind of amazing. Am I a bad person for finding it like, a little funny when Ellaria killed Myrcella? Probably. Can I live with that? Definitely. 

Capricorn - The Focused 
House Tyrell
"Growing strong."
Representatives: Olenna & Margaery Tyrell
No one was as intent on gaining power as Margaery Tyrell and THE queen stayed focused on her goal. She gets it from her grandmother. Lady Olenna is brutal and I sincerely hope that she's the one to kill Cersei. Although to be fair there's not a character on the show that I don't want to kill Cersei. Heck, I don't care if Big Bird kills Cersei but someone needs to do it. 

Aquarius - The Bright
House Targaryen
"Fire and blood."
Representative: Daenerys Targaryen
Dany's actions (and hairs) are exceptionally bright. She knows how to get what she wants and she does it calmly. Or by using one of her three dragons to incinerate her opponent. When Khal Drogo died, the only person who took it harder than me was Dany. But in his absence she has managed to build her empire, find a devoted boy toy and free slaves in no particular order. AND her eyebrows are bomb. 

Pisces - The Peaceful
House Tully
"Family, duty, honor."
Representative: Catelyn Tully Stark
Not gonna lie, I hated Catelyn for how much she hated Jon but I hated Lysa even more. Tbh they both suck and in a place like Westeros you really can't get attached to people. But at least at her core Catelyn just wanted to be a good mother and Lysa was just freaking insane.

A very HAPPY BIRTHDAY shout out to Kelly! I hope you enjoy a cookie cake today, even if that cookie cake has to include walnuts which are totally gross unless they're in baklava. And I did mean an entire cookie cake, not a piece. Serving sizes only win if we let them win.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Adventures in Brothersitting

I had to keep an eye on my brothers for a few days this week. It's not as bad as it sounds. I've been watching my brothers for years now with zero casualties. Of course, Patrick did require 5 stitches years ago and I once accidentally hit Colby's head on the ceiling fan but they've done their share of damage to me too and no one's died yet.

My darling Colby did fly his drone helicopter thing right into my hair back in Christmas 2015. The previous Christmas he got a remote control monster truck and drove it into my head as well. It's like a Christmas tradition, some families leave milk and cookies for Santa, my family hurls their new gifts into my face. I had to cut this sucker out of my hair. Well I probably could have untangled it by New Year's had I been truly dedicated but patience isn't one of my strong suits.

Anyways, my parents went on a trip for their anniversary and decided that after 30 years of marriage, 48 hours together was the most they could take. For these 2 days I assigned everyone jobs based on their personal strengths. So naturally I had almost all of the jobs because I have the most strengths, sorry boys. I did the cooking, dishes, cleaning, taking care of Colby's broken toe and activities. I suggested we get tattoos, something tasteful for the lower back but the guys punked out. Patrick's one job was to make sure the oven was turned off, a task that honestly I have no idea who does when I'm not there. He did manage to turn it off 50% of the time for those 2 days. Colby was in charge of answering the phone since he actually lives there. My only other job was turning off lights. For some reason, my brothers and father cannot seem to turn off the garage or pantry lights. They will completely forget I'm in a room and turn off the light when they leave but Heaven forbid our cars or snacks sit in the dark.
On day 2 I was singing I Wanna Be Sedated all day, not because of my brothers, just because the feeling of needing serious sedation is my homeostasis. That night Colby gave me a weird look and I found out that while his vocabulary is generally more expansive than Patrick's he thought sedated meant seduced. Bless his heart for ignoring the first 20 times he thought I was breaking out in song about my need for romantic attention.

I learned a lot about my brothers for the 48 hours that I would have been their one phone call from jail. For instance, Patrick recently learned the word gentrification. He doesn't have a firm grasp on the definition yet but he still uses it every chance he gets. He's also on some crazy diet that is allowing him to eat frozen chicken patties in between 2 Eggos and still lose weight. He wouldn't eat Subway with me and Colby because it would violate his chicken and waffles diet. I'm as impressed as I am disgusted. I discovered that Colby is terrible at slingshots. Like really, really bad. Let's just say it's a good thing there's no Colby and Goliath story or I seriously doubt Christianity would have gotten off the ground. There's nothing miraculous about a teenager getting his butt kicked after slinging a few stones straight into the dirt near a giant.

All in all it was a pretty successful brothersitting job. I would say definitely better than when I was in college and got so frustrated with them in Walmart that on the way home I threatened to wreck the car and take us all, but not quite as fun as the time I took them to see Christmas lights and had to slam on the brakes to avoid a massive owl in the middle of the street. It was terrifying. After yelling a 4 letter word and almost having it appear in my pants, Colby cried the whole way home because he thought I was going to Hell. If your brothers aren't concerned for your immortal soul, who is?

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Snitches Get Nations

Listen, my children, and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
Way back in the day before fidget spinners
A patriot named Paul hopped on a horse after dinner.

He told his pal all about his plan
To keep those red coats from taking this land. 
He said if you see the British, hang up a light 
And I will get everyone ready to fight. 
We made it to America but we're not yet in the end zone,
It's time we show old man England the friend zone.

His friend searched the streets, listening closely
Just hearing rodents and insects mostly
Until at last, he heard muffled steps and shouts 
Of British soldiers ready to pounce. 
He ran to the church to set the lantern aflame
So Paul would grab his horse and the reins.

Through the dark Paul saw a glow,
Borrowed a horse and was ready to go. 
As he rode, midnight rang out from the clocks
And he hurried to beat the British at the docks. 
Telling colonists the Regulars were here on the sands
And that King George was finally going to catch these hands.

The British fired shots and had several misses
As American farmers gave them the business.
They turned to go home, fast as their feet would allow.
What's so great about Britain now?

This is where the famous poem stops
But luckily for us, America did not.
We've made our mistakes like Grease 2 and sieging Waco, Texas
And Chick-fil-A still not serving all day breakfast.
But ever since our historic birth
We have been the greatest nation on earth.

Sea to shining sea, from all around the world people come,
Immigrants . . . they get the job done.
America strives for greatness constantly,
We put a man on the moon, we perfected democracy.
For our freedom and privilege, many men and women had to die
Remember that today and every 4th of July.

Special thanks to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. My boi.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

It's OK Not To Be OK

I started this blog over 4 years ago. You can view my very short, very first post here. By my count (though numbers aren't really my forte, right Brendan?) I've only missed 2 weeks, which means there's a ton of material here if you ever get super bored and want to read every single post. Just make sure to click ads while you read so I can make pennies.

While my profits are rather stagnant, over the past 4 years this blog has grown exponentially. At first, some of my closest friends didn't even read it and my family didn't know about it. Now, my family reads regularly to make sure I'm not publicly defaming them and some of my closest friends still don't read it.

A lot of people (okay, like 2) have asked me why I blog. I think most people assume that I spend hours every week doing this because I love to write, I think I'm hilarious and I have no social life. All of which are true, but I really started this blog to help cope with depression. A scary word that doesn't have to be so scary.

I was hesitant about speaking publicly about my depression because I was afraid to misrepresent a condition that is at its worst, devastating, all-consuming, toxic and unbearable. Most people wouldn't describe me that way. Only a few people are allowed to see me at my worst. I didn't want my outwards persona to contaminate the idea that people have of a very serious condition and make it seem innocuous. But the reality is depression doesn't fit a stereotype. People with depression don't look the same, act the same or feel the same. A lot of people you know are probably dealing with depression or anxiety of some sort. Statistics say about 18% of Americans live with anxiety disorders. And that's okay.

In the past 4 years, there have been hundreds of days when depression is a non-issue for me. There have also been days when it casts a shadow over what should have been a wonderful memory that I will never get back. But I've also learned a lot of tricks that work for me and I want to share those to hopefully help someone else not feel so alone.

  • Physical health and mental health are like chocolate and peanut butter. That's a bad example but they go together. Find a form of exercise you can live with and make time for yourself. You deserve it.
  • I've learned not to have guilty pleasures. You know what helps me when I feel like nothing else will? Twitter. BuzzFeed. Terrible reality TV. I'm not ashamed of that. I don't feel guilty for watching an entire season of Vanderpump Rules in 24 hours.
  • If you need white noise to keep your mind from wandering, find a TV show that feels like home to you. Get it on DVD, Netflix or Hulu and have it ready to go when you can't sleep. I have Bob's Burgers in my DVD player at all times.
  • I've seen a lot of people on social media get tattoos to celebrate anniversaries of when they stopped self-harming. I'm too indecisive for a tattoo but I definitely have room for a few more ear piercings.
  • I've also learned that you can't help how you feel. We're all responsible for our actions not our emotions. 
  • Setting goals and milestone rewards can help motivate you. Got through 3 therapy sessions? Treat yourself to dessert. Exercised regularly for a month? Buy yourself a new tank top.
  • I've learned that music affects our emotions in ways that sometimes don't make sense. The happiest Mumford & Sons song is still going to bum me out. But I can belt (off-key) ballads of heartbreak from Sara Bareilles, Taylor Swift and Kate Voegele with no problem.
  • Instead of listening to the same Twenty One Pilots song (or any Twenty One Pilots song) every 10 minutes on the radio, I listen to podcasts. My favorites are My Favorite Murder, Last Podcast on the Left and Myths and Legends.

There are a ton of other small things that help. A good book. Following @tinatbh on Twitter. Blueberry frozen yogurt. Babies. A pedicure. Cake decorating. Cleaning (don't tell my mom). Painting.

I often say that art is the best therapy but in reality, therapy is the best therapy and there is no substitute. Click here for a therapist finder from Psychology Today. Unfortunately mental health is still a luxury in America and even if you are insured it can be hard to get time off for regular appointments. There are some more affordable, nonprofit counseling options at this website. There's also a forum administered by the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline for young people to discuss mental health.

There are tons of other great resources you can find online, through your school or your employer. The good news is you're not alone and never will be.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

The Charles Chronicles

My mother is frequently featured on this blog because she's accidentally hilarious. But why should she have all the fun? My dad can be pretty funny too. He deserves his own #TheCharlesChronicles. Here are some things you should know about Carlos. #1 - He hates it when I call him Carlos.

He likes to keep his texts pretty straightforward and to the point. 

He's a murderino apparently with some solid advice. #staysexydon'tgetmurdered

He's the person I turn to à la Draco Malfoy when things don't go my way. Like every time my college classes weren't cancelled due to snow.

He thinks pretty highly of himself.

And he's very trusting. Maybe too trusting. Who knows what I might have up my sleeve for August?

Although sometimes he doubts my love for him. 

And he always assumes I'm making fun of him when I totally am. Not sure why he dragged the queen into this.

But if he didn't joke about wearing jorts to my graduation I wouldn't make fun of him. Or I would at least make fun of him substantially less.

He throws punches too though.

Like a lot.

And he plays favorites.

With good reason.

 But he at least pretends to be interested in my many wish lists...


He does get me pretty good gifts. Even if they are the wrong size because bless his heart he thinks I'm a medium even though I identify as an XXL.

But he doesn't know that just like he doesn't know Italian.

And even though he can't always handle the tasks I assign him...

...he does manage to get my taxes done every year. For a small fee.

And I think he secretly loves that I captioned this pic "Khloe & O.J." he's just bummed he has to be O.J. but I don't make the rules.