Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Underwear and Nervous

If you follow this blog or have ever watched television with me or overheard me talking obnoxiously loud in a public place, then you know I am OBSESSED with Discovery Channel's Naked and Afraid. I love that show and I watch it every time I go to my parents' house to visit their DVR, I mean my family. Naturally I enjoy discussing this show extensively with friends, family members and strangers unlucky enough to wander within earshot. A few weeks ago my cousin (only by marriage) Justin pointed out that he would be much more into a slightly easier show called Underwear and Nervous but I would like to take it a step further and be on Fully Clothed and Indoors.

Part of my obsession involves thinking of this show as the Hunger Games as if I could be chosen at any time and I have to be ready to go at a moment's notice. Not in the sense that I am physically fit and knowledgeable on survival methods but in the sense that I have so many ideas for what my one survival tool would be. I know this sounds like one woman's obsession but trust me, this is fun for the whole family. My cousin (also by marriage, years ago our grandpa married our grandma) Kelsey and I have our lists (in no particular order) and rationales ready to go. Feel free to comment if you have any necessary survival tools we forgot!

"I brought my phone charger. Obviously."

"I brought the Hamilton soundtrack. Don't worry - original Broadway cast recording."

"I brought some T.J. Maxx coupons because they're going to expire while we're out here so...only if we see one, we don't have to make a special trip. "

"I chose Sun-In! I love what it does for my hair and we're going to be in the sun a lot so I'm super excited to see the results!"

"I brought toilet paper. 2 ply."

"They wouldn't let me bring my phone but they allowed an iPod touch. I just HAVE to Snapchat this."

"I brought Lion King but I only had it on VHS so fingers crossed you brought a VCR player."

"I brought my new bathing suit. I assume there will be some water sources and this is strapless so it's really good for avoiding pesky tan lines and it was just too cute to leave at home!"

"I had to bring my nail file. If one of my nails breaks you do not want to be around me I will just be useless and whiny. Not that different from how I am now, actually."

"I brought Beyonce's light-up selfie phone case so I can light myself for the close-ups. It should really make things easier on the camera crew."

"I brought my Sweet Frog yogurt punch card. I already had 9 so the next one is free! Don't worry I'll totally share. I was thinking blueberry yogurt with rainbow sprinkles but I'm also open to Oreo or M&Ms."

"I decided to bring my Yeti rambler. I like my water to be really cold. Don't worry it's monogrammed so I won't get it confused with yours if you brought one too."

"I brought my eyebrow pencil because without it my brows just won't be very expressive and the viewers at home won't know what I'm feeling."

"I brought my Bath & Body Works eucalyptus spearmint candle. It's aromatherapy."

"I chose to bring my contour kit. It's really important for sculpting my face and playing up my cheek bones and we can even use it for like...camouflage."
"I brought some Bojangles seasoning. Every night can be Cajun night!"

"I brought my sound soother machine from Sharper Image so we can fall asleep peacefully. I normally go with surf or fireside but we can wait and play it by ear. Get it? Hello?"

"I could not leave home hair tie. Obvi a necessity."

"I brought my Olay moisturizer because it's really important to keep your skin hydrated."

"I brought a razor."

"I chose to bring my Polaroid camera so we can take some cute, artsy landscape pics. These will get a ton of Instagram likes, trust me."

"I brought this Post-it note with my Netflix username and password written on it. I tried memorizing them but decided to bring this for backup. In case we get bored."

"I have my favorite Kylie lip kit for us to use. Matte lipstick in Exposed. Don't worry, it's a good nude, very versatile, I'm sure it will work for your skin tone too."

"I brought biotin, I'm getting over a really bad haircut so I need to take one every day so my hair will grow."

"I brought my nail polish with me in case I get any chips. It's OPI Cozu-melted in the sun I thought maybe production would take the hint and send us to Mexico."

"My survival item is this taser. We can use it to stun animals or I will use it on you if needed. Don't test me."

"I have the latest People magazine. As I'm sure you know Taylor and Tom just started dating so I need all the deets. If this isn't a survival tool, I don't know what is. Hey...where are you going?"

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Dad Libs

Looking for a gift for your dad that won't get shoved to the back of the closet like last year's Yankees tie? Searching for some way to stand out to your grandfather amidst a sea of cousins? Anxious to one-up your siblings in the never-ending contest for your father's love? Need to bribe the man who has been forcing you into physical activities you hate for years in order to get him to keep paying for your education?

If you answered yes to none or more of the above questions then boy do I have the post for you!

Introducing: Dad Libs! The fill-in-the-blank Father's Day card that is sure to make your father smile uncomfortably.

Step 1: Follow the prompts and come up with the zaniest adjectives/nouns/verbs/etc you can think of.
Step 2: Insert the appropriate adjectives/nouns/verbs/etc into the Dad Libs.
Step 3: Enjoy with the whole family!

1. adjective
2. noun
3. plural noun
4. plural noun
5. adjective
6. plural noun
7. adjective
8.high number
9. worst band you can think of
10. gerund
11. adjective
12. disgusting food
13. adjective
14. adjective 
15. article of clothing
16. adjective
17. game
18. sports team
19. Law & Order character
20. rap song
21. plural mythical creatures
22. adjective
23. verb
24. expression
25. plural noun
26. musical artist with blonde hair
27. emotion
28. animal

Dear 1. adjective Dad, 

Happy 2. noun's Day! Today is all about  3. plural noun4. plural noun and 5. adjective  6. plural  noun. I am so 7. adjective to have a dad like you! I will never forget your 8. high number  9. worst  band you can think of CDs or your knack for 10. gerund  11. adjective. I loved when you would cook me 12. disgusting food when I was little. Even if you always cooked it too 13. adjective for my taste. You always rock 14. adjective   15. article of clothing and are 16. adjective at 17. game. I love cheering on the 18. sports team with you. You remind me so much of 19. Law & Order character and the song 20. rap song always makes me think of you. Remember when I was little and you would pretend to be 21. plural mythical creatures with me? That was frankly very 22. adjective. Thanks for teaching me how to 23. verb and always telling me "24. expression". I hope you get lots of 25. plural noun today and listen to some 26. musical artist with blonde hair.

With 27. emotion

Your favorite 28. animal 

In case you need an example, here's mine.

Dear lumpy Dad, 
Happy Spork's Day! Today is all about raccoonsUgg boots and chocolatey pool floats. I am so ambidextrous to have a dad like you! I will never forget your eleventy billion Insane Clown Posse CDs or your knack for skipping lackadaisically. I loved when you would cook me Vienna sausages when I was little. Even if you always cooked it too fishy for my taste. You always rock neon sweat bands and are sneaky at crossword puzzles. I love cheering on the Cincinnati Reds with you. You remind me so much of Captain Don Cragen and the song Stuntin' Like My Daddy always makes me think of you. Remember when I was little and you would pretend to be leprechauns with me? That was frankly very disturbing. Thanks for teaching me how to argue and always telling me "suck it up". I hope you get lots of chimichangas today and listen to some Ke$ha.

With empathy

Your favorite saber-tooth tiger

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Wedding Survival Guide

Well. It's wedding season. I've taken it upon myself to write a declassified survival guide. Just call me Ned. Here's (almost) everything you need to know as you head into wedding season. I'll see you on the other side.

Editor's Note: Is that why white girls love fall so much? Because it's the end of wedding season? That's probably just wishful thinking on my part. You all know my favorite season is election season and then basketball season. 

Wedding Dates
If you follow the blog (you rock!) then you know I have struggled with the concept of a wedding date for years only to emerge from battle utterly defeated. I would say that I've lost several good men on the battlefield but I never had men to begin with which probably explains that whole "me losing the war" thing. But I still managed to get some solid applicants to be my date to a wedding so I recommend Google forms for finding a wedding date. It's the new Craigslist.

Wedding Advice
You know how some weddings give you the option to leave the couple some advice? I've never understood that. I mean I guess if you're in your 30s and all your friends have been married for decades it makes sense. But I wouldn't want any marriage advice from most of my friends. You know why? Because my friends are insane! I love them dearly but I wouldn't give them any marriage advice either because what do I know about marriage or anything really. So I stick to parenting advice. Parenting is a subject I think I can speak on based on my years spent being mistaken for my youngest brother's mother. (Definitely doesn't count. Never take parenting advice from someone who isn't a parent. But here you are taking advice from me so I guess you're already pretty desperate in the advice department.) Here are my favorites:
  • Vaccinate your children.
  • Don't let your kid fall into a gorilla exhibit at the zoo. 
  • Spanking is caring. (at least that's what my parents told me)
  • Please spell your child's name phonetically  (or should I say fonetically?)
  • Don't let your kids have social media accounts until they can use the correct their/there/they're.

Wedding Gifts
Something super thoughtful is always a great idea for when you want to go off-registry. I had friend who would be moving to a different country with her husband shortly after the wedding so my wedding gift was packing supplies & items you need on hand in a new house. Command hooks, extension cords, batteries, packing tape, Sharpies for labeling, power strips, brownie mix and the like. It was a big hit. Wedding gifts can also be a great way to send a subtle and loving and on second thought not very subtle message. Have friends who suck at keeping toilet paper stocked in their bathrooms? (This is a horrendous personality flaw that should be punishable by death at least.) Get them some Cottonelle*!

Wedding Outfits
DO NOT WEAR WHITE! (cough cough...Lupay)
Basically you want to look hot for any single guys in attendance without outshining the bride. So at my wedding...DON'T WEAR BLACK!
You want to know your audience here. Family wedding, maybe err on the side of conservative. Outdoor wedding, pick some sensible shoes. Late wedding, wear something you can dance in. Themed wedding, go all out! That's why they made their wedding a THEME WEDDING! If you don't do your part it just looks like two nerds in love with a borderline inappropriate Star Trek obsession.

Wedding Beauty
If you feel the need to get a tan for a summer wedding please get a spray tan. It's 2016 people. Skin cancer exists.
If you're thinking of wearing the wedding colors intentionally even though you're not in the wedding...don't. It's just sad.
Please don't wear cowboy boots to a wedding unless specifically told by the bride that the only way you're getting in is if you wear said cowboy boots. This is a wedding not a livestock-free rodeo. Actually, where I come from you really shouldn't assume there will be no livestock at the wedding. If you live north of the Mason-Dixon line I generally feel bad for you but count your blessings if you have never attended a wedding where the theme was camo.
If the ceremony or reception is outdoors, I recommend my signature summer scent, DEET. I am highly allergic to nature and when I get bit...I swell. And it's disgusting. So you want to launch a preemptive strike and drench yourself in bug-killing potentially harmful chemicals.

Wedding Toasts
I will give you some advice but you're never going to be as good as wedding toasts as I am. Sorry not sorry. My go-to is a simple and elegant poem.
Roses are red.
True love is rare.
Booty booty booty.
Rockin everywhere.

Wedding Song Requests 
You want to stick to the classics here. I can't tell you how many times I have rushed the DJ to request some song I thought everyone loved but actually only I knew. Down With the Sickness by Disturbed, Taylor the Latte Boy by Kristin Chenoweth, I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace. Apparently these aren't "appropriate" sing-along songs for weddings. Who knew? At many a wedding I have requested what I thought was sure to be a hit, grabbed the mic to lead the audience in a rousing rendition of a classic and then ended up awkwardly singing Master of the House from Les Mis to a room full of people staring at me with a mix of horror and pity. And while I can think of worse ways to spend a Saturday night, trust me when I say you wanna play it safe with Rachel's Wedding Playlist.
  • I Want You Back by The Jackson 5
  • Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson & Bruno Mars
  • Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison (I have brown eyes. Ask me to dance. What's the worst that could happen? On second thought, you don't wanna tug at that thread.) 
  • September by Earth, Wind & Fire
  • Bust a Move by Young MC (or Glee cast version)
  • Shake it Off by Taylor Swift (or literally any other T. Swift tune)

*NOT a paid promotion, believe it or not. Although Thomas J. Falk, if you're reading this, I will totally be a spokeswoman for Cottonelle.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Polar Bears

First of all I just want to thank you for the...interesting...responses I received last week. Some highlights:
  • 2 different people said that the 2 characters I am a perfect mix of are Bellatrix and Joy from Inside Out
  • someone's 1 word to describe me was "goddessmostdevine"
  • 1 person said I reminded them of Christine from The New Adventures of Old Christine because she sucks at relationships, but I still count it a win because I LOVE THAT SHOW and I LOVE JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUS
  • and someone wants to dance to Jesus Is My Friend by Sonseed, one of the greatest songs ever written

If you still wish to participate in that...adventure? challenge? madness? then click here.

Today I want to go over a few brief dos and don'ts of messaging. Online messaging, text messaging, dating site messaging, Morse code messaging, whatever kind of messaging you're doing - it can be tricky. Especially the beginning. Whether it's the initial texts that you're already screenshotting to show your future grandchildren or a good morning message or the first text after a long period of radio silence caused by the guy ruining everything, there are some icebreakers that are more effective than others. I'll (ice)break it down for you. (Sorry, it's a disease.)

Icebreaker DON'Ts
"What are your thoughts on physician-assisted suicide?"
Yeah, surprisingly not a crowd pleaser, I learned the hard way.

"Did you vote for ________________?"
Odds are whoever you are talking to is not going to be comfortable answering this right off the bat. I would be totally game but something my mom has always said that I'm understanding more and more is I'm not like most people.
However, if you're trying to make sure this person is age-appropriate, this could be a perfectly reasonable icebreaker. If you ask whether they voted for Bush and they start quoting Dan Quayle, maybe you ask if they have any single sons or nephews?
This could also be a great way to make sure the person you are interested in is not an idiot. If you ask them who they voted for in 2012 and they say Phillip Phillips, maybe it's time to explore other options.

"You're pretty."
This just opens the door for him/her to say "pretty what?" which I do, frequently. It's hilarious. Some of my favorite answers: pretty annoying, pretty rude, pretty funny and never mind, you're obnoxious.

"Would you like to go see ______________ by Michael Moore?"
No. Just no.

My response to any initial message that I find inappropriate is always "I'm telling my dad." Forget the bend & snap, THIS works every time.

Icebreaker DOs
"The hardest part of breaking the ice is finding the polar bear thanks to strict hunting laws. I blame the World Wildlife Fund."
A cheesy pick up line and smart social commentary that while surely result in a sparkling, nervous debate where each party tries not to offend the other past redemption. That'll keep you on your toes.

"You look so familiar! Were you in ______________?"
No matter what film, television series or Broadway production you name I will be flattered and respond affirmatively.

"My name is _______ but you can call me Oliver Wood because I'm a keeper."
 Harry Potter and a cheesy pick up line. Swoon.

"Would you like to get pizza some time?"
Yes. The answer is always yes. I could be currently eating a pizza with one guy and if another guy walks up and promises me a brand new pizza, who am I to say no? At least I assume it would be hard to say no, I'm still working on getting the initial guy interested enough to buy me pizza so I'm operating on very limited experience.

"I'm incredibly wealthy."
Simple and to the point.

Before you go please fill out this Google form to let me know what YOU want to see on White Girl Wednesday this summer! Within reason people, this is a family blog. (As in the only people who read it are my family members.)

For those of you who don't understand hyperlinks (Mom), here's another link to the Google form.
Names are optional for those of you who secretly read my blog and don't want me to know (talking to you Shia LaBeouf).

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

1, 2, 3 Sum1 Date Me Pls

Today's post is about how to find a wedding date in 3 easy steps. I have never actually done this so as usual you should absolutely, under no circumstances take my advice. I've never taken a date to a wedding before. Mainly because I've never had a date before. But other people do it all the time, how hard could it be? Of course, I said that about driving and telling time too. 

But I've developed a 3 step system. I will report back on its effectiveness. 

Step 1 - Watch The Wedding Date
This is an important first step, it really sets the tone. This puts you in the mindset to find someone you can tolerate for 4-72 hours depending on your level of involvement in said wedding. It also reassures you that it's okay to pay someone to be your date. We've all done it. Even the goddess Debra Messing.

Step 2 - Plenty of Fish
By that I mean dating websites/apps, but this step is called plenty of fish because I think guys are under the impression that literally every dating site is Plenty of Fish in the sense that that phrase is the only direction they consider when creating their profiles. When it comes to choosing pictures, all guys are the same. "Show this girl that I can catch fish! That'll lure her in! Just like I lure in all those huge fish I catch. Wait...I'm the catch!"

A surprising amount of profiles say "looking for a date to a wedding" so this could be a win/win. Kind of like a reverse The Gift of the Magi thing. I mean it's worth a shot, what else are you gonna do? Get asked out organically by some guy who meets you and likes you of his own accord? Yeah right.

Step 3 - Give up & create a Google form.
Assemble a panel of friends, family and strangers to review the applications and select a winner. (Or loser, depending on how you view this whole process.)

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Pizza by the Month

Today we're going to talk about 2 of my favorite things. Pizza and astrology. Actually I'm going to type and you're going to read but you get it.

The following is a list of the perfect pizza for each sign complete with the famous faction from young adult literature that each sign would belong in. How do astrology and pizza and YA novels go together? They don't! That's what makes it so fun!

So next time you're struggling to decide which pizza to order, look no further. We already date, gamble and dress according to our astrological signs (just me?) why not add eating to our post-horoscope to do lists?

Aries - The Bold
Literary Domain: Dauntless from Divergent.
Pizza: Buffalo Chicken Pizza
You're not afraid of some flavor so a hot slice of pizza heaped with spicy buffalo chicken and melted pepper jack cheese is perfect for your bold taste buds.

Taurus - The Generous
Literary Domain: Abnegation from Divergent.
Pizza: Extra Cheese Pizza
You're generous with your time, your money and your cheese! You love sharing and extra cheese makes everyone happy. Maybe cheese in the crust too for good measure.

Gemini - The Expressive
Literary Domain: Candor from Divergent.
Pizza: Hawaiian Pizza
You have no problem asking for exactly what you want, even if no one else digs the ham and pineapple combo you will proudly order a Hawaiian slice. Hate on this haters.

Cancer - The Nurturer
Literary Domain: The Order of the Phoenix from Harry Potter
Pizza: Meat Lovers Pizza
You're a natural mother who knows the importance of protein. You like your pizza piled high with bacon, sausage, pepperoni and ham.

Leo - The Confident
Literary Domain: The Capitol from The Hunger Games.
Pizza: Cheeseburger Pizza
Most normal human beings find this concept totally repulsive but you know yourself and you like what you like. You love a pizza with some ground beef, pickles, cheese and mustard drizzle and believe in it enough to force it on your friends too.

Virgo - The Practical
Literary Domain: District 12 from The Hunger Games.
Pizza: Veggie Supreme Pizza
You like to multitask and getting in some veggies while you indulge in pizza is killing 2 birds with one slice. A slice with peppers, onions and olives to be specific.

Libra - The Fair
Literary Domain: Sorters from Matched.
Pizza: Half Pepperoni & Half Cheese Pizza
You understand that whenever there is a disagreement, it's best to just split it in half. With a half pie of pepperoni and a half pie of cheese, everyone will be able to eat.

Scorpio - The Intense
Literary Domain: Slytherin from Harry Potter.
Pizza: Japanese Pizza
You like a lot of flavor so this pizza with shiitake mushrooms, manchego cheese, tofu and edamame will satisfy your need for robust and savory tastes.

Sagittarius - The Independent
Literary Domain: The Factionless from Divergent.
Pizza: Blue Cheese, Ham & Walnut Pizza
You're an original and you like your pizza to be original as well. It doesn't bother you one bit that no one else will want to share this pizza. More for you!

Capricorn - The Focused
Literary Domain: District 2 from The Hunger Games.
Pizza: Cookie Dough Dessert Pizza
You always have an end goal in mind, in this case, dessert! Why bother arguing over toppings when everyone can share a chocolatey dessert pizza and move on to bigger and better things.

Aquarius - The Bright
Literary Domain: Ravenclaw from Harry Potter.
Pizza: Margherita & Spinach Pizza
You know that spinach and tomatoes are brain foods so you ask for extra on your Margherita pizza to boost your memory.

Pisces - The Peaceful
Literary Domain: Amity from Divergent.
Pizza: Pepperoni Pizza
You like for everyone to be happy and pepperoni is a simple crowd pleaser. If they're happy, you're happy.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Putting the FUN in Funeral

Funerals. Everybody wants one, nobody wants to plan it. I don't think that reads as good as it sounds in my head but at least I've got your attention.

Let's try an alternative opening.

Some little girls grow up thinking about their wedding. Planning the menu, brainstorming locations, designing the dress, hiring and firing bridesmaids, blah and blah blah blah blah. I'll admit to partaking in this female rite of passage. I've got plans for my wedding, most of them concerning decorating with as much black as possible, avoiding flowers and incorporating Harry Potter.

But if I'm being honest with myself, which I rarely ever do, it's a bit of a waste to mentally plan my wedding. Who knows when and if I will ever get to put those plans into action. Excitement kicks in, one thing leads to another and all of a sudden I'm stuck with 30 pounds of black feathers that I may or may not ever get to use. (I'll definitely use them and I got a great deal but you see my point.) So I've started (and finished) planning my funeral.

Guest List
It's not so much that I have a list of people I definitely want in attendance, but a list of people who should under no circumstances be allowed to attend. My best friend since high school keeps the list and I update it regularly. My therapist says this is very unhealthy and not recommended.  

Everything will start with a C. Just because. Cheese. Cookies. Chocolate. Carbs. Crispy M&Ms. Chicken. Cantaloupe. Couscous. My guests will nibble at the assortment with confused expressions whispering to each other "what is she trying to tell us?" and they will never figure it out.
Unless they read this blog.

Definitely a beach. People get married at the beach all the time so I want my funeral at the beach. That's what makes it a FUNeral. That way instead of saying "I'm going to a funeral" *sad face* everyone can say "I went to the beach!" *sunburnt face*.

Body Specifics
I don't want a casket. I just genuinely don't understand the point of paying a lot of money for a box. I also don't feel the need to be embalmed, that just doesn't seem environmentally kosher since I want my body dumped in the ground so it can decompose and grow a lemon tree. I love lemons.
If someone really feels the need to "see me" one last time, just use my wax figure. Either my personal one or Madame Tussaud's, it doesn't matter.

Instead of a traditional service, I want a Friars Club roast. The roasters of course will be all of my closest friends in the comedy business. Amy Schumer, Colin Jost (also playing the part of heartbroken widower), Kate McKinnon, Melissa McCarthy, David Sedaris, Amy Poehler and my mother. She's actually kind of funny sometimes.

Several major networks will vie for the rights to broadcast my funeral but I'm currently negotiating an exclusive contract with TLC. The special is tentatively titled Roasted: Dead or Alive (Definitely Dead).

Dress Code
No black. Black is MY thing. I want everyone to wear my other favorite color, yellow, to my funeral. Almost everyone looks terrible in yellow unless they have a tan so if I die in the winter, I'm sorry. Still try to take lots of selfies at my funeral. It's what I would have wanted.

Before my imminent passing, I will design the programs to be distributed. I will sell advertising space to political candidates and corporations like McDonald's, Target, LOFT and Barnes & Noble. I also want the program to include animal facts as I think it is important to have fun reading material at these things.

Party Favors
After the roast and meal, each attendant will leave with a lovely parting gift! A free eyebrow maintenance kit! My only goal in life was to leave this world a more beautiful place and I think after empowering my guests with tweezers and brow gel we can all agree, mission accomplished.