Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Bring a Bachelor to Church Day

I have always recognized church as a great place to meet guys. Even though I am directly related to half of the males at my home church, you gotta have faith, even in the guys you can't see (like God and someone willing to marry me). My parents met in church. Almost 30 years later, my dad still falls asleep on the floor around 9 every night and my mom still leaves every single ingredient out after she cooks, but they're still together, so obviously something went right.

Looking for a future mate at church is like genius, it's like when you skim through a legal document before signing it. If you meet a guy at church you don't have to pay as much attention when you're getting to know him because what's the worst that could happen? It's like if the main quality you were looking for in a potential partner were tattoos and you made it a habit to hang out in tattoo parlors to find your dream guy. When you know what you want, you can skip a few steps.

So in the spirit of Christmas, I am proposing a new holiday. Bring a Bachelor to Church Day! It has a double meaning considering I am looking for a male who is A) single and B) in possession of a college degree. Celebrate the season of giving by bringing an eligible bachelor to church. It can be any male between the ages of 21 and 30 with no criminal record, no history of voting democrat and no use for the Oxford comma. Really, I'm not picky.

Now people have tried to set me up in the past but I am convinced that a "completely random" sanctuary encounter is the way to go. First of all, the gentlemen will have easy access to dozens of sparkling reviews of my personality. If I met a guy at say, a concert, or a party with my friends, their commentary on my character would be more of a mixed (and likely slurred, depending on the concert/party) bag. At my church, everyone either loves me or feels obliged to say only nice things about me because what would Jesus do? Marriage is all about compromise. I am 100% unwilling to attend any church other than my own. So not to alarm anyone but meeting my spouse at my church is kind of my only hope.

Additionally, meeting someone at church would allow them to meet my large family in a neutral setting where they are slightly less likely to be ganged up on, made fun of, victimized, or tripped. But only slightly. Church is like a safe zone where my dad can't call everyone he knows for letters of recommendation and my uncles can't rule him out based on his favorite football team. My family will save all that for later if their first interaction is in the house of God.

The worst thing about Christmas season is December 26th, or as I affectionately call it, the saddest day of the year. The best part about Bring a Bachelor to Church Day is that it's the holiday that keeps on giving...to me. Until there is a ring on this finger, it never has to end! It's not even exclusive to Sunday mornings. Bring a Bachelor to Prayer Meeting. Bring a Bachelor to Vacation Bible School. Bring a Bachelor to Easter Sunday. In the advertising world, we call this an idea with legs.

I get your mass texts, I watch your snapchat stories (okay not really but they've really gotten out of hand in the past few months) and I see your Facebook posts. So I know several of my friends celebrate all sorts of made up holidays like Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day and Groundhog Day. Seriously, they're just woodchucks people, open your eyes. So I assume you will have no trouble participating in my very own made up holiday. See you Sunday.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

The 5 Stages of Finals

1. Denial
Right after you leave an exam or turn in a paper.
As soon as you turn a final in, you might be thinking "hey that wasn't so bad". You'd be wrong. At first you tell yourself "Well I know I have 5 points for writing my name and the date. Crap, what day is it?" and you start calculating all the questions you're positive you got right, which takes all of 3 seconds because let's face it, you made up most of the answers. The more you think about it, the more you realize that you are likely looking at a career in pizza delivery.

2. Anger
When you realize this is all your professor's fault.
At this point you've already turned in the course evaluation. Back in mid-November when you were still young and naive you loved your chill, hipster professor and the fact that he didn't care if you were on the internet or texting in class. But as soon as the course is over you realize you never really learned anything other than which celebrities got new tattoos this month (thanks Buzzfeed!).

3. Bargaining
You start to promise the higher education powers that you will really study next semester if your GPA survives this one.
You calculate how your GPA can make a comeback. You think that if you can somehow just manage a C+ in this class, you will find a super easy class to take later to make up for it. As long as you get the credit, you will do anything. Then you pray because you know Jesus can raise people from the dead, so how hard could a GPA be?

4. Depression*
After you recognize that any optimism was misplaced.
You get realistic about how well you didn't do on that exam. You realize that no matter how you spin it, the 3 pages of size 18 font you submitted for what was supposed to be a 5 page paper probably won't warrant an A. And that exam you needed a 150 on to get a B in the class? Not happening.
* I feel like it is important to make the point here that depression is a serious mental disorder and not an adjective. So when you fail an exam, you're not really depressed. When you change your mind about what you want to do tonight, you're not bipolar. Just annoying. Carry on.

5. Acceptance
YOLO.
When you realize you're a strong, independent black woman who don't need no GPA. If there's any number that defines you it's the number of carats in your future engagement ring. Or the number of times you've been to Taco Bell this week. Certainly not a GPA. At the end of this 4 years, you will still have a degree (maybe). And that's all that matters.

For those smart cookies, psychology majors and fellow NC State fans who recognized these as the 5 stages of grief, 10 points for Hufflepuff!(just being honest). I have added a 6th stage for finals...

6. Self-Defeating Reward
When you tell yourself (lie to yourself) that you can relax.
After writing a paper or taking a test you tell yourself that you have earned a break. You deserve some time off from constant studying. So you decide to just watch one show. 7 hours later you can't stop researching American Horror Story fan theories on the internet. At least you're researching something?


To get through the rest of finals, I leave you with an inspirational quote. Someone very wise once said "The older I get, the more I realize that the area of my life where I really need to splurge is therapy." That someone was me. You're welcome.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

The Blind Leading the Blind: Dating Advice

I spend a lot of my time thinking about dating. You know what they say, those who can't do...blog? Naturally, I have a lot of opinions on what makes a compatible couple. So I have compiled this list of dating website and app ideas that will make online dating more successful. You're welcome.


1. An app that lets you fall in love via creepy pick up lines. Your profile is one picture of yourself with your funniest caption and once matched you each throw out your 5 creepiest/cheesiest/most magical pick up lines and decide if you wish to continue communication.

2. An app that pairs people based on their opinions on the Oxford comma. Because I have never seen a relationship survive different opinions in this area. For $9.95 a month, this app can also select matches for you based on a preference of run on or fragment sentences. Because writing style incompatibility is a leading cause of divorce. Imagine leaving notes every morning that are 5 paragraphs, MLA format with an introduction, conclusion and bibliography and then coming home to "luv u" on a Post-it and you will understand.

3. A website that connects people who love the same pizza toppings. Because my idea of a great date involves eating half of a pizza, so it's important that a couple can agree on which pizza to order. Anyone who insists on mushrooms is obviously not my soul mate. And if you don't think bacon makes an excellent pizza topping we're not meant to be.

4. A dating app that keeps Droid users and Apple users separate. This is important for so many reasons. 1-I live in a basement so I rarely have enough service to send an actual text message. 2-On second thought, maybe catering to the needs of basement dwellers isn't what online dating should strive for. My apologies.

5. An app that gives you a list of potential mates based on who likes your pictures on Instagram and Facebook and who retweets or favorites your tweets. Potential mates are ranked for how often they like your social media posts. Because every time a cute guy retweets me or likes my selfie I tell myself that we're in love, it's basically the millennial mating call. And who has the time to go count how many of your photos your new crush has liked? (7 as of noon today)

6. A website that makes suggestions based on what you watch on Netflix. Not only will you be able to easily pick a show without fighting, but you won't have a messy breakup custody argument over a shared Netflix account. This website will also allow you to skip that phase in a new relationship where you both pretend you're only into really high brow entertainment, so instead of spending your first weekend together watching Indie documentaries you can watch Honey Boo Boo.

7. An app that pairs couples based on which Kardashian you see yourself as and which Kardashian you are looking for. Because the Kims can't be with the Kims. Ideally, the Khloes find the Scotts, the Kourtneys fall for the Kendalls and the Kims and the Kylies fight over who can take a better selfie. Kanye belongs with only himself.

8. An app that matches people based on their favorite Law & Order: SVU D.A. Honestly, I think this should just be a rule for the general population. Do you think the divorce rate in America would be as high as it is if there was a system in place to keep the reckless alcoholics like Sonya Paxton away from the by the book, win at all costs Rafeal Barbas of the world? I am in desperate need of a crusader like Kim Greylek to go with my compassionate Casey Novak.

9. A website that works like Tinder and when you match you can see all of their exes and decide if you wish to continue. Because if a guy I'm into has only dated blondes with less than 10% body fat, that's something I'm going to want to know. If he's only dated Norwegians named Olga with over 40% body fat, also something I'm going to want to know.

10. An app that connects people based on which emoji they identify as. Because a moon face doesn't belong with a pink bow and a sass girl could never find lasting happiness with a stack of books. I've said it before, I'll say it again, emojis are the window to the soul.

11. An app that connects people based on their favorite Taylor Swift songs. Because I've made some of my best friends this way. If a guy you like is super into Better Than Revenge and your favorite is Should've Said No, I can tell you how your relationship is going to end. With lots of Pictures to Burn.

12. A website that shows you what hashtags they use most. Because if I like a guy but find out that he uses #WCW every other week, I don't like him anymore. I just don't. Don't you deserve to know if a potential partner has typed #foodporn over 30 times? I think yes. Currently working on the technology needed to differentiate between sarcastic #YOLOs and serious #YOLOs.

13. A website that shows you how often different people view your social media accounts or your address on Google Earth. Because some guys are shy and don't understand that they are supposed to make the first move. So they need the little confidence boost of knowing I drove by their house 3 times last weekend before they ask me out. I get that.

14. A Pottermore extension that would match people based on their Harry Potter houses. Note this is not as simple as it sounds. Slytherins should never date Ravenclaws because they value tradition and creativity, respectively.  Slytherins would want a simple and classic wedding while Ravenclaws are hipsters who brew their own craft beer. You see the problem?

15. An app where each user must provide a letter of reference from an ex. This would be so interesting. I lowkey included this because I hope that it would encourage guys to stop being jerks to their exes. There would be required sections like pros, cons, best feature, worst feature, grossest habit, sweetest thing he ever did, how the relationship ended. It's like CarFax for guys!


The downside of this post is that I actually have none of the skills needed to make any of these ideas a reality. So if any of you know how to use the internet and computers and code and all that good stuff, please, help a girl out.

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

ThanksGiving Me a Headache

Thanksgiving and Christmas breaks are upon us and for the college students going home to their families, this means a temporary trading of questions like "How does a 26% decrease in the supply of cocaine affect the demand for a Kennedy in the White House?" and "What were the effects of the French Renaissance on present day Mauritania?" for questions that are even harder to answer like "What are you doing after graduation?" and "Do you have a boyfriend yet?"

Since an overwhelming majority of the people who read this blog are directly related to me, I decided to take this opportunity to explicitly list all of the subjects I don't want to talk about tomorrow and throughout the Christmas season and, you know, ever again.

Things I Super Don't Wanna Talk About With Stuffing in my Mouth

School
You're gonna say "How's school?" and I will try to keep a straight face while saying "Great!" because I want you to think that I go to class and do homework and study for tests and all that jazz that really loses its appeal after high school. And you will think I'm a few years younger than I really am and then pretend to care about my major to make up for it. So I will save you the trouble of trying to pretend that being a double liberal arts major isn't going to leave me vastly unprepared for the real world.

Work
I don't have a job. So instead I will talk about Carolina For The Kids (Dance Marathon) until you think the 24 hour marathon has already come and gone since I started talking. Actually, I would love to talk about this but we have to save something for my graduation so let's hold off.

Plans
By senior year, every time you come across someone older than you they will ask about your plans for after graduation. Even people who graduated last year and still have no idea what they want to be when they grow up will ask about what you're doing in May. I have no idea. Not even half an inkling as to where I will be in 6 months. So unless you wanna hear sarcastic answers like "finally buying my own Netflix account" or "getting a celebratory tattoo" let's go with don't ask, don't tell.

Love
Because my family has this thing where they think I'm much more desirable than I actually am. It's so confusing to come home to "I'm sure you break a lot of hearts" and then go back to school where the most recognition I get is "Mr. Potato Head is that you?" Imagine my surprise when around the dinner table one of my aunts says "Oh, I'm sure you have to beat the boys off with a stick." Ummm, no, pretty much just my face and personality, no stick necessary.


Things I Would LOVE to Discuss Over Pumpkin Pie:

The Latest Season of The Mindy Project
Danny and Mindy are together at last! I can't decide how I feel about it because on one hand I think they're adorable and soul mates but on the other hand I think that I'm his soul mate so we'll play it by ear.

What I Want for Christmas
I've got my eye on plenty of books this year, at least enough to help me avoid textbooks until after Spring Break. I would also like a new piercing and a cape. Missy vetoed both of those. So this convo topic will run dry pretty quick.

Some Way I Can Legally Trick Someone Into Paying For Grad School 
I've only recently decided that I want to go to grad school in the near future but I also have no interest in taking the GRE so...you can see I'm going to need a lot of help to pull this off. With the right amount of plotting and scheming and access to the right trust fund I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Love
So love is on here twice. For the most part I really don't want to talk about it because there is literally nothing to talk about. But on the other hand, at least my family and friends keep asking so they haven't decided I'm hopeless, they still believe that one day I will have something new to report. Just yesterday a friend from high school asked if I had any new love interests. I was thrilled to be asked that, like thank you so much for thinking that could happen! How sweet!

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Timeflies. A Spiritual Journey.*

People often ask me "Rachel, why White Girl Wednesday?"  That's a lie. Everyone who knows me knows that I am whiter than fresh cocaine wrapped in an infinity scarf shoved inside an Ugg. But the concept for White Girl Wednesday actually comes from Timeflies Tuesday. Timeflies is a music duo consisting of the 2 most talented human beings on the planet. Cal may be the sexiest man alive and has the voice of an angel, but like an angel that you really wanna make out with. His freestyles have been givin me life for years. And Res is like the John Forbes Nash Jr. of music, what he can do with a beat and a melody and all those other musical terms that I don't understand will blow your mind. Please, visit the Timeflies YouTube channel and see for youself (TImeflies4850). Timeflies releases a new video almost every Tuesday, which inspired me to write a blog post every Wednesday.

Last Thursday night, my dreams came true. I finally saw Timeflies live. It was everything I dreamed of and more. Honestly, it was a spiritual experience. I technically did NOT cry. But I did tear up. A lot.

I ordered my tickets back in September. They were very reasonably priced but due to a Victoria's Secret addiction and complete disregard for reality I had to move some money around to buy my ticket. I think this was an excellent decision because as I informed my daddy, I get the chance to pay my rent every single month, I can only see Timflies this one time. I bought my ticket the day they went on sale and started counting down to November 13th.

It took me the equivalent of 5 Timeflies songs to decide what to wear. On one hand I wanted an outfit that would make them notice me. On the other hand I wanted to be invisible because I was afraid that if we happened to make eye contact I would literally die. And then there was the whole North Carolina weather issue. After being unseasonably warm for weeks, it was approaching temperatures only a Canadian could love outside but the venue was indoors and I knew it would be packed, hot and humid from the blood, sweat and tears of fangirls like myself. I finally settled on yoga leggings (this is not even a joke and I am not even sorry) and a navy top. That's right, I finally tried blavy (black and navy together, something I am normally VERY against). I decided that blavy is as avant-garde as I get and the Timflies concert was the perfect place to experiment.

My friend Liz made it her mission for us to meet Cal and Res. Unlike how I say "I will go to the gym once this month" or "I might eat a vegetable this week" I knew that Liz would actually pursue her goal, which is what impressed and terrified me. When we got to the venue we enjoyed the opening act and tried to dance off our nervous energy at the back of the crowd. We considered meeting my other friends up front but again being in close proximity to Timeflies was not something I was prepared for. As we waited for Timeflies to take the stage, Liz excused herself to get a drink or go fix her hair or something. Just when we started to wonder what was taking so long, she came back and told us she had met the original videographer. Despite my awkwardness, all-consuming fear and better judgment, we followed her outside and actually had a great conversation with him because he was a super chill guy. Had he been a normal citizen like myself I would consider us friends after that night. I think if our paths ever crossed in the future and I explained where I knew him from he would totally pretend to remember me. We bonded over a mutual love for Jeopardy! and he told us that this was the "hypest crowd" they had ever played for. A quote that I am seriously considering for my tombstone (Here lies Rachel Daniel...part of the "hypest crowd" ever graced by Timeflies.).

After the show we decided to split the difference between being groupies and not caring at all. So instead of hanging around the venue or going home, we posted up at some bars within walking distance and kept an eye out for anyone looking suspiciously cool. But eventually we had to just go home and decided to remember this as the night that we ALMOST met Timeflies (and by almost we mean it totally could have happened, right?).

In a way I'm glad I never got to meet them because I wouldn't want memories of one of the best nights of my life marred by passing out or a pending restraining order.


*This blog post was in no way approved by Timeflies. If they read my blog I would likely die of excitement.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Leave Taylor Alone!

A few weeks ago I came across an internet article titled "The Top 7 Clingiest Taylor Swift Lyrics" and it proceeded to put Taylor down for writing about her feelings. Newsflash...we're all a little bit nuts sometimes.

I have been listening to 1989 nonstop for the past 2 weeks and I am completely in love with it the way Taylor was in love with Conor Kennedy (as in I wanna spend every literal second with this album in Massachusetts surrounded by people who may someday look as good as JFK Jr.). This isn't a "Leave Taylor Alone" post, but it actually is. People ask me all the time if Taylor Swift music is my guilty pleasure...but that implies that I should feel embarrassed or apologetic about loving Taylor Swift...so that's awkward because I in no way am ashamed or sorry for loving me some T. Swift. Taylor Swift has always been there for me. Some people have therapists and friends, I have Taylor Swift (okay, I also have a therapist. and some quality medication).

So in this blog post, I felt the need to defend some of her lyrics because she is too classy and rich and famous to defend herself. And all you are is mean.

I'm dancin on my own, I make the moves up as I go.
Shake it Off
Yeah okay this line may be unnecessary because anyone who has watched an awards show in the past 5 years knows that she makes the moves up as she goes, but isn't that what life is about? Finding your own path and dancing all over it to the beat of your own air guitar? I think yes. And the only thing worse than dancing on your own is standing on the dance floor watching everyone else dancing. Or getting interrupted during a speech, that might be worse.

Put your lips close to mine, as long as they don't touch.
Treacherous
I realize that standing alone, this line sounds pretty stupid and may bring to mind images of eskimo kisses or worse. But the sentiment behind this is so raw, that awful place where you can't decide what would be worse, seeing them or not seeing them (hint...it's seeing them). But I do think it is important to understand this as a lyric and not advice. In real life I don't actually put my lips close to other people's lips. At least not on purpose.

All those other girls, well they're beautiful, but would they write a song for you?
Hey Stephen
Because Taylor totally gets that no one will ever love Miles Teller the way that I would love him. Fun fact, I actually remixed this song to be about a guy I liked. His name was Kegan. The remix was Hey Kegan. It was an internet sensation (to me). Guys, there are so many beautiful girls out there, but how many of those girls are obsessed enough to write a song about you? Probably just me.

Please don't be in love with someone else.
Enchanted
This is almost always my first thought after meeting any new guy who isn't a democrat or serving prison time for committing a felony. I completely relate to the idea behind this song, meeting someone, connecting with them and just praying they don't have a girlfriend. In my case they literally always have a girlfriend. Or a wife. Or aren't interested.

Got a long list of ex-lovers, they'll tell you I'm insane.
Blank Space
Honestly, I wish I had a longer list of ex-lovers. The few ex-lovers I do have will tell you I'm insane but no need to ask them, I will tell you I'm insane.

She thinks I'm psycho cause I like to rhyme her name with things.
Better Than Revenge
If writing about people you hate is wrong, then that would totally make sense but hatred can make for very good songs! I mean, Three Days Grace. And we all talk crap about the new girls who date our exes. My ex could marry Beyonce and I would still be like "downgrade LOL sass girl emoji" (JK Bey please don't smite me).

First thought when I wake up is my God he's beautiful, so I put on my make up and pray for a miracle.
I'd Lie
And I'd lie if I said that when I do my make up every morning (okay, twice a week if I'm feeling flirty) I'm not thinking "today someone will notice that if you kind of squint and tilt your head and are completely blind I'm not so bad to look at". Especially around beautiful guys, my go to face is the huge smile emoji that looks like he's saying "don't look at me I'm ugly". Once again, Taylor Swift is my soul.

And you do what you want cause I'm not what you wanted.
Cold As You
Every girl knows that feeling of rejection, not being what someone wanted. The infuriating thing about this is that guys won't admit it. I ask my guy friends all the time "am I bothering you? do you want me to give you some space" and they say "     " yeah they don't reply. Guys seem to think that no response is the best response in these situations and girls (at least girls like me, if they exist) think that no response is the closest thing to a kick in the balls that we will ever experience. But it's whatever.

I used to know my place was a spot next to you now I'm searching the room for an empty seat.
The Story Of Us
Because finding a seat is actually an incredibly stressful ordeal for me. Especially if you're used to sitting next to this guy and then things get weird or he files a restraining order.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Be A Dancer, Be Be A Dancer

For those of you who don't follow me on Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and in real life as I walk the streets of Chapel Hill, this week is Dancer Recruitment Week (DRW) for Carolina For The Kids Foundation, the organization formerly known as UNC Dance Marathon. I have now posted 3 days in a row and I hope you all realize that it takes an AMAZING cause to make me that active on social media. I will spare you my official CFTK pitch (don't worry it's at the bottom of this post) and translate what DRW is into white girl. Basically, for 24 hours every year we throw the biggest party on campus and this week is when we invite everyone and get the RSVPs so we can start planning centerpieces and appetizers.

If any of you are interested in signing up to raise $150 and stand for 24 hours to benefit the patients and families of UNC Children's, you can go to uncmarathon.org/dance to sign up now! If you still need some convincing, I have compiled the top 5 reasons why I want YOU to be a dancer!

5. Spend 24 hours in very close proximity to myself
If that's not a selling point, I don't know what is. Can you imagine a better way to spend March 20th-21st than in the same building as me? Eating the same food, listening to the same music, taking the same selfies, becoming lifelong friends lasting life. Go on, I'll wait.

4. Free food
That's right, my job is to provide all dancers with meals and snacks throughout the marathon. There will even be, gasp, healthy options. And one of our biggest supporters, Ben & Jerry's, always makes an appearance.

3. Amazing performances
Two words. Bhangra Elite. Bhangra is my favorite, but so many of our amazing campus performance groups perform at the marathon, from step shows to a cappella to dance. There is so much to see and do at the marathon, it really is like a concert or a party with 2,000 of your closest friends.

2. Friends!
Being a part of Carolina For The Kids is a great way to make friends on campus! Roughly 100% of the friends I have made in college were forced to be friends with me thanks to this organization.

And finally, the number one reason to sign up TODAY to be a dancer...

1. The chance to help overcome the burdens of childhood illness by providing major support for the medical, surgical and emotional care of the patients and families served by UNC Children's.
Really, no matter what your reasons are for signing up to be a dancer at our marathon in March, you have personally helped make a difference in the lives of others. I could list so many quotes about giving and service and helping others, but I think I will leave you with a quote from one of the loudest voices of our generation...another random yik yak user.
"Anyone who will stand for 24 hours to help someone they don't even know is a hero to me."

Sign up at uncmarathon.org/dance by this Friday at 8PM to RSVP to the best all nighter of your life!