Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Summer Streaming

Today is a White Girl Wednesday first. I'm giving advice on something I actually have experience with. Television! For many people who are still in school, have no friends or refuse to grow up, summer means an abundance of free time. Now there are a lot of equally worthwhile ways to fill said free time. Volunteering. Interning. Working a part time job. Reading. Pursuing hobbies. Crafting. Eating. Watching television. Today's post will focus on the latter. If you're like me (God help you), you probably find yourself running out of shows to binge-watch. Should you rewatch Parks and Rec for the fifth time or risk spending upwards of 20 minutes watching the pilot episode of a show you just can't get into? I'm here to help. I realize that Netflix and Hulu and whatever other streaming services all the cool kids are using these days offer you suggestions based on what you watch. So why should you take my direction instead of theirs? Because my friends, we are in the midst of a man vs. machines battle, nay a war, and we can't let them win. Help me prove that my random guesses are way better than some computer-generated algorithm or prepare to be ruled by your silicon and wire overlords.

If you like Friends...
Try Happy Endings
3 seasons available on Hulu
Casey Wilson is just phenomenal, but if you need more convincing keep reading. This series features 3 men and 3 women, among them a set of siblings and a couple. Sound familiar? You'll quickly recognize Penny as a perpetually single Phoebe type, Jane as the type A Monica replacement and Alex as runaway bride Rachel. Max is the sloppy, unemployed Joey of the gang, banker bro Brad is the Chandler and Dave is a slightly better Ross. It's set in Chicago but I think we can forgive and try very hard to forget that.

If you like Absolutely Fabulous...
Try Difficult People
1+ seasons available on Hulu
This Amy Poehler-produced Hulu series follows best friends who think they are, well, absolutely fabulous. Aspiring celebrities Julie and Billy want to make it in comedy but are held back by some pretty glaring personality flaws that neither seems to notice. Add in Julie's unorthodox therapist mother and bow-tie wearing boyfriend for further culture clashes. Laugh as these 2 yell obscenities, fan the flames of their inflated egos and find acceptance in New Jersey of all places. Julie and Billy are the BFFs we all think we are when we're at our funniest. If you ever ended up on the same bus as me and Taylor in Chapel Hill, you know the hilarious-dynamic-duo-bit well.

If you like Coneheads...
Try Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
2 seasons available on Netflix
Quick warning, the theme song of this show is impossibly catchy. If you think you can handle it, you will follow the story of Kimmy Schmidt, recent kidnap-survivor adjusting to life in 2016. She lived underground in a bunker for 15 years and now finds herself navigating New York City while weirdly afraid of velcro. Kimmy's friend Titus is struggling to make it as an actor, her landlady is fighting a losing battle with gentrification, her crush is in a sham marriage and her boss is the always perfect Jane Krakowski. My one critique is not enough Carol Kane but to be fair I say that about everything. Just this morning I thought my Mini-Wheats could use more Carol Kane. You'll be shouting "I'm not really here!" when you finish all 26 episodes.

If you like Fantasy...
Try Game of Thrones
6 seasons available on HBO GO
If you want to watch this series with any integrity hopefully you haven't been on Twitter, Buzzfeed, Reddit or Tumblr for the past 5 years. There are a ton of dynamic characters with just as many plot lines to follow and the fandom is well-established making GOT perfect for all the kids who grew up waiting in line for Harry Potter books. Watch the first season and figure out what house you will pledge your fealty to, what you would name your direwolf and which Lannister you hate the most. Also good luck picking your GOT crush, mine died in season 1.

If you like Everybody Loves Raymond/any DCOM starring sisters...
Try Arrested Development
4 seasons available on Netflix
This series proves that the rule of less is more does not apply to family dysfunction. The "riches to rags" theme sees members of the Bluth family so out of touch they don't know the price of a banana or the sound a chicken makes (look it up on YouTube). Follow a family so crazy that it includes an incompetent magician, jailed patriarch, boy in love with his cousin and a grown man who constantly wears blue jean cutoffs.

If you like Real Housewives...
Try Little Women: LA/NY/Atlanta
4+ seasons (LA), 1+ seasons (NY)  & 1+ seasons (Atlanta) available on the Lifetime app/website.*
At least they would be available if my roommate's Apple TV would load it instead of spending 15 minutes "accessing Lifetime" before inevitably failing yet again. I'm warning you Apple, I will destroy you like I destroyed Shari and her berries.
But I digress. This show is so full of drama. Literally every episode has the same format. It starts with everyone timidly reconnecting after the last fracas, one girl claims another girl is jealous of her career/love life, one girl talks behind someone's back, and the next huge brawl breaks out. I can't pick a favorite character because they're all pretty equally awesome and annoying.

If you like The Discovery Channel...
Try Wildest Islands
2 seasons available on Netflix
This nature documentary series explores, you guessed it...islands! Each island has a theme. The premiere episode takes viewers to Zanzibar: Land of Giants to visit with coconut crabs, whale sharks and coral reefs. There is one episode on Canada but I can look past it. Bonus points to all the men who watch this and are reminded that in nature it's always the males trying to capture the attention of the females. I don't want to spoil anything but one bird species has a mating ritual where the males build nests and the lady birds get to pick the nests they want. Picture a world where instead of pretending to like baseball, claiming to be related to Elvis, accidentally kidnapping a dog or whatever crazy thing you've done to impress a guy, the guys near you all invite you to their houses and you get to keep whichever you like best. The house and the guy! Now we're talking.

*Post-publication it was brought to my attention that Lifetime is garbage. It won't load on the Apple TV and the website refuses to recognize that I am signed in with an authorized cable provider. Therefore the Lifetime website alternates between informing me that I am signed in and refusing to play the videos until I have signed in. So save yourselves an afternoon of frustration and don't watch Lifetime, just start on Parks and Rec again.

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Can't Spell Diet Without Die

Let me just start off by saying that my idea of a diet is ordering my chicken grilled instead of fried and then rewarding myself on my restraint with a piece of chocolate cake for dessert, whipped cream on the side because no one said this would be easy. So this isn't going to be one of those posts that claims eggplant is actually delicious and homemade sweet potato fries could rival McDonald's. I'm not that girl.

But it has been brought to my attention lately (by my little cousin who said my arms felt like Play-Doh) that perhaps I should consider a diet, or as the kids are calling it these days, "a lifestyle change". Basically instead of spending a week or 2 with SlimFast shakes I need to expand my palate to include vegetables and lean proteins and food without red dye as the top ingredient. I am what most would call a picky eater. If you wouldn't serve it in a kids' meal pre-Michelle Obama, I probably won't eat it. That has to change because it's really unhealthy and I'm running out of room to store all my happy meal toys, the construction of which has seriously declined since the late '90s.

I needed a nonrestrictive way to eat better. First there was Weight Watchers. I have an online membership so instead of going to meetings and being weighed and held accountable for my food choices I log into an app once or twice a week to decide between Doritos and Cheetos. The app is super cool in that it has a bar code scanner so instead of searching food items you can just scan the bar code and it will tell you the points, serving size all that good stuff. This results in me running (okay, walking) around the grocery store scanning items on my phone as people are probably thinking I'm registering for the weirdest shower ever.

My first 8 hours of Weight Watchers were great. Then I woke up. Upon my awakening I discovered that what I thought was a healthy, wholesome breakfast was a whopping 9 POINTS! The problem with Weight Watchers is that there's just so much math. There's all the adding points when you eat ANOTHER cookie, subtracting points when you get a sandwich without honey mustard because you're going to need those 2 points for half a piece of gum later, multiplying when you sit down with a bag of chips and 20 minutes later realize you've had 4 servings. And Brendan moved back to stupid Boston so who is going to do the math for me? (I'm a female. Are we even allowed to do math? I hope the NSA isn't reading this.) Every food has a point value and you get a certain amount of points each day. It's kind of like Blackjack. You want to use all of your points without being too far over or under. And I was never good at Blackjack.

So I tried something else, a Weight Watchers adjacent technique called Simply Filling. It's pretty straightforward. There's a sheet of paper with foods you can eat in different categories. The list even goes so far as to explicitly state foods that are not included. This paper actually lists that french fries do not count as a vegetable. That felt pointed. Beyond the list you get so many points for any foods you eat that are not included. Much to my dismay this paper does not look like when your teacher tells you that you can make a cheat sheet for your test as long as it fits on one paper. It more closely resembles a grocery list written by my meticulously thrifty mother. Bare necessities.

As I looked through the list I thought "I can do this! I eat cereal, I can do lean meats, I've made my peace with whole grains.". But when I took the list to the grocery store I realized it was all a lie. According to the list, you can eat cereals with no more than 1 gram of sugar and no fruits or nuts. According to Walmart, THOSE CEREALS DON'T EXIST. Apparently it's like a national law tantamount to thou shalt not spear a bald eagle. Picture, if you will, a Venn diagram of sorts. In one circle are cereals with less than 1 gram of sugar. In the other circle are cereals with no fruits or nuts. The circles do not intersect. At all.

But I wasn't going to give up yet. Until I looked more closely at the list and discovered a litany of issues. According to Simply Filling, avocados are not a power food. What next? Guacamole doesn't count as a serving of vegetables? You're only allowed to have certain foods once a day AND you're supposed to still adhere to whatever food pyramid recommendations the USDA is handing down. I was trying to escape math and here it is popping up again like a cold sore.

So alas, my search continues. I'll research other options with my laptop and a box of Apple Jacks (10 grams of sugar) and report back.

P.S. Happy late birthday Kelly! I hope you enjoyed a cookie cake with walnuts.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

First World (Summer) Problems

You're super thirsty and hope that the ice in your cup has melted into some chilled water but you realize you have a Yeti rambler so the ice doesn't melt.

You get sand in your Rubik's cube. (Just me?)

You're at the beach and someone asks you to go in the ocean even though you're clearly wearing your "laying out to tan" bathing suit and not your "conquering fierce waves without a wardrobe malfunction" bathing suit.

You change outfits multiple times a day due to excessive sweat.

You buy a new bathing suit every time you go to Target from April - August.

You know the beach is really rough on your mani/pedis but you can't stay away.

You think summer maxi dresses are cute butwhat is the appropriate climate for them? They're sleeveless at the top and drowning you in fabric at the bottom.

Your outfits revolve around tan lines.

You constantly have to find hobbies other than keeping up with the Kardashians when summer storms knock out your cable.

You're squinting in EVERY picture taken outside.

You just HAVE to buy a cute coverup because you wouldn't want to get sunscreen on your nice clothes but it's ridiculously expensive considering it's not a real outfit (at least that's what my mother keeps insisting).

You want to see all the summer blockbusters but have to carry a jacket because theaters are cold.

You end up parking further away from your destination to be in the shade.

You wear expensive perfume that no one can smell because you're wearing so much bug spray.

You can't see your phone/tablet screen in the sun.

You want to have some beach photoshoots but the ocean/light doesn't always (ever) cooperate.

Your phone gets too hot to use.

You don't understand the concept of "cute beach waves" because as soon as the ocean humidity hits your strands all you get is "tangled beach mess".

You buy cute winter clothes on sale but it's too hot to wear them now.

You do car rides with the windows down AND the AC on. Now that's luxury.

You get sunscreen in your eyes.

You hate wearing flip flops at the beach because they flick sand on your legs but you don't want to burn your feet on hot sand. It's a lose/lose.

You love enjoying ice cream on the beach but it melts so fast.

You sweat off your $40 foundation in mere minutes.

Your fave sunglasses are aviators with metal frames and if you leave them in the sun they will literally burn you.

You need a dozen tries to get the perfect fireworks pic.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Zodiac Book Club

Today's post was suggested by Chelsea and will serve as proof that I really do read your comments, review your Google form submissions and listen to your ideas when you come live with me for a week. I'm suggesting summer reads based on the ancient art of astrology because who can go to the beach with less than 5 books?

Before we get to the good stuff I want to throw in a few handy tips to improve your beach reading experience. After years of practice reading in cars, at restaurants, under the covers, at parties, in the tub, at the pool, on the beach and everywhere in between I haven't made many friends but I have learned some tricks.
  • You want to stick to books at the beach, magazines at the pool. The thickness of books stands up better to an ocean breeze and it's better for a magazine to get hit with an accidental splash than a book.
  • That being said, don't be that jerk who takes a book/magazine to the pool and gets mad when it gets wet. There are kids at pools. Kids splash. It's their vacation too. Live and let read. 
  • DO NOT fool yourself into thinking you can leave your book in your beach chair if it's by the water. The tide will wait until you leave it unattended and then claim that book for the sea. Mermaids gotta read too.
  • Beware of reader's tan. You're going to get some awkward stripes from holding your book up. If you're the type of person who is easily embarrassed by having arms that resemble a popcorn box, you should hire someone to hold your book up for you to mitigate this.
  • You're going to want to avoid any books that feature sharks while on summer vacation. Just trust me.
  • Sand makes for a terrible bookmark.

Aries - The Bold
Literary Character - Four, Divergent trilogy by Veronica Roth
Book - Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer
You love adventure and Krakauer's firsthand retelling of the 1996 Mount Everest Disaster delivers just that. I was assigned this book for a class in college so I totally read all of it. I laughed (when the professor asked the class if we'd all finished the book 2 days after he assigned it), I cried (when I realized he was serious), this book has it all.

Taurus - The Generous
Literary Character - Jean Valjean, Les Miserables by Victor Hugo
Book - A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini
A true taurus will appreciate this tale of 2 women who stick together and use selflessness as a means of survival against seemingly impossible odds. Just make sure to have tissues nearby to avoid rubbing your eyes with sandy beach hands. I'm not entirely sure my mother has forgiven me for loaning her this book without a tissue warning.

Gemini - The Expressive
Literary Character - Elizabeth Bennet, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Book - Looking for Alaska by John Green
Geminis appreciate characters who don't hold back and Green's Alaska Young doesn't know the meaning of the word reserved. A daring young adult story filled with famous last words, teenage antics and semi-requited love. When you're done reading this you can borrow the rest of John Green's books from me. 

Cancer - The Nurturer
Literary Character - Mary Anne Spier, The Baby-Sitters Club series by Ann M. Martin
Book - The Joy Luck Club by Amy Tan
Your caring nature will soak up this novel about mothers, daughters and the stories we keep from each other. It's like the book version of Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood. Except that movie was already based on a book.

Leo - The Confident
Literary Character - Massie Block, The Clique series by Lisi Harrison
Book - Why We Broke Up by Daniel Handler (aka Lemony Snicket)
As a confident leo you love seeing others come into their own. In this book, narrator Min recounts her courtship with Ed and finds her voice. Although the title leaves little to the imagination regarding the ending this book is full of surprises, none bigger than Min and Ed getting together in the first place.

Virgo - The Practical
Literary Character - Ashley Wilkes, Gone With the Wind by Margaret Mitchell
Book - Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari
It's 2016 and as a virgo you know that the dating game has changed. In this book, comedian Ansari does real research (with science and graphs and everything) and the results are real funny. Get ahead of the curve by taking your online dating cues from Aziz. Unless he's single right now, then ignore everything he says cause what does he know?

Libra - The Fair
Literary Character - Atticus Finch, To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Book - Crossed trilogy by Ally Condie
As someone who values justice and fairness, these books will make you reconsider what that means. Think of it as a libertarian awakening. What decisions should the government make for us? What makes our lives meaningful? Longevity & health or the unpredictable joy that comes from our rashest decisions? 

Scorpio - The Intense
Literary Character - Inigo Montoya, The Princess Bride by William Goldman
Book -  The Sandcastle Girls by Chris Bohjalian
If you're comfortable with the intense, try this piece of historical fiction that examines the worst genocide you've never heard of. Meds Yeghern saw roughly 1.5 million Armenians marched into the Syrian desert to die during World War I. This story will make you heartbroken that humans were subjected to this and furious that the governments of only 29 counties recognize it as a genocide.

Sagittarius - The Independent
Literary Character - Katniss Everdeen, The Hunger Games trilogy by Suzanne Collins
Book - Girl Walks into a Bar by Rachel Dratch
As someone who likes doing things for yourself, you will enjoy Dratch's memoir of her career in comedy and newfound motherhood. From always succeeding on her second try to vacationing alone, Dratch isn't the typical hit-after-hit, constantly-surrounded-by-famous-friends SNL alum and that's what makes her story so endearing. It's a lot more relatable than Taylor Swift's Instagram. 

Capricorn - The Focused
Literary Character - Cath, Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell
Book - Grace's Guide: The Art of Pretending to Be a Grown-Up by Grace Helbig
Capricorns are always focused so you can appreciate this book from YouTube's Helbig that gives adulting advice in the form of ridiculous acronyms. It'll make you think "hey I can handle living on my own and getting a job" and it'll make me think "hey, I could write a book".

Aquarius - The Bright
Literary Character - Hermione Granger, Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling
Book -The Golden Cage by Shirin Ebadi
You love the pursuit of knowledge and this novel will fill your head with so much information it's practically a textbook. The story of 3 brothers told by their sister as they all choose different paths in revolutionary Iran from Nobel Peace Prize winner Ebadi. Shirin is Persian for "sweet" but this account of political turmoil is anything but shirin.

Pisces - The Peaceful
Literary Character - Beth March, Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
Book - If I Stay by Gayle Forman
If you've already seen or heard of the major motion picture you're probably thinking "what could be peaceful about a story of the lone survivor in a family car crash?" and that's fair. But there's an eerie stillness to this young adult novel that allows the reader to focus on the relationship between narrator Mia and Adam. After you finish you'll be dying for the sequel written from Adam's perspective. Spoiler: it's just as good as the original. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Only in America

We're quickly approaching my favorite holiday. In a few short days America will celebrate the 240th anniversary of the greatest breakup of all time. I'm talking bigger than Blake and Miranda but less tears than Brad and Jen. The 4th of July is my Christmas. And by that I mean that it is my favorite day of the year, something I plan for months in advance and you should all buy me presents.

To celebrate, White Girl Wednesday is ruminating on some of the amazing things that make this country the best in the world. So here is our list of phenomena that could only happen in America.

Camouflage shirts for civilians. Camouflage prom dresses. Camouflage themed weddings. We wear camo almost as much as we wear the American flag which is apparently weird for foreigners? I get it. If I wasn't from America I wouldn't want to advertise that by wearing another country's flag. I try to wear red, white and blue as often as possible because these colors don't run and neither do I. Truth in advertising and what not.

Being 1st in an Alphabetical List Even Though We Start With a "U" 
Having to scroll to the bottom would just take so much time. Time we could better spend adding bacon to more recipes or grooming our mustaches or making Instagram accounts for our pets.

Sweet and/or Iced Tea
You don't like your tea with sugar in it? How about with a little Boston Harbor water in it? Do you like that? And don't get me started on the idea of having warm tea every single day. This is America we don't have tea time we have happy hour.

Homeowners Associations
In no other country would people pay money to be told what to do with their land and house. At least I think that's how it works, I didn't really feel like researching it. I guess technically the European Union is like the largest HOA in the world but look how that's going. #Brexit

Whatever the Opposite of the Metric System is Called 
We have no use for your British numbers here! Foreigners are always telling me that America is the only country that hasn't adopted the metric system. Tell that to Liberia and Myanmar*. That's right! Two of our fiercest allies** also use the American system or whatever it's called.

*I suppose I should have actually titled this post Only in America and Occasionally Also Liberia and Myanmar.
**Not sure if they are actually our allies or not. Again, research, yuck.

The Krispy Kreme Burger
Sure it looks gross and it's ridiculously gluttonous and unnecessarily rich but it's ours. Italy has pasta. China has General Tso's chicken. France has all sorts of weird stuff. We might not have much in the way of national cuisine but we do have red hotdogs filled with unmentionables, apple pies and the diabetus burger.

Yeah ice isn't really a thing in other parts of the world. That hurts my heart. I love ice. I put it in my cereal. It's delicious. Keeps every bite cold. We've even welcomed a company promising to make our ice immortal. We buy Yeti coolers and cups and koozies so we can use the same ice cubes for months. It's insane and delightfully contradictory to the wasteful nature for which we are known.

Spray Cheese & Spray Whipped Cream & Spray Icing
I'm honestly surprised we haven't shoved sandwiches and peanut butter into cans yet. Actually spray peanut butter exists but it's only for dogs. Which is also strangely American.

An Inverse BMI & Net Worth Correlation
Everywhere else in the world the poor people would be the skinny ones. Here you have to have money to be skinny. Salads cost a lot more than McChickens and that sucks. But you know what sucks more? Actually eating a salad.

Cookout Trays
In what other country could you choose meat as a side? Chicken nuggets. Corn dogs. Bacon wraps. Beef quesadillas. If that's not aggressively American, I don't know what is.

Buying in Bulk
A reasonable pricing scheme would involve something along the lines of 1 for $1, 3 for $3, 12 for $12. In America many goods are sold 1 for $1, 3 for $2 or 12 for $3. Pricing rewards the frivolous and greedy consumption of so much more than we actually need. It's both appalling and wonderful.

One-Stop Shopping
Do you know how frustrated I get when I have to go to the grocery store? Imagine me in Europe, going to one store for shoes and another for sunglasses. Heading to a bakery for bread and then the butcher's for meat and then a local market for produce. Buying ingredients for one meal could take all day at 11 different stores that they probably walk to like cavemen. It's no wonder everyone is so skinny over there. In America I buy my clothes where I buy my toilet paper and my Shake'N Bake and my feathers in assorted colors. Walmart.

Black Friday
It just breaks my heart thinking that people in other countries aren't privy to the deals, steals, lines and mass chaos of Black Friday. The anticipation of the holiday season, never knowing what will be on sale or how early sales will start. Actually, by 2020 we might be starting Black Friday on the 4th of July and this post would really come full circle.

In conclusion, "I already won the lottery. I was born in the U-S of A baby." -Creed Bratton. 

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Underwear and Nervous

If you follow this blog or have ever watched television with me or overheard me talking obnoxiously loud in a public place, then you know I am OBSESSED with Discovery Channel's Naked and Afraid. I love that show and I watch it every time I go to my parents' house to visit their DVR, I mean my family. Naturally I enjoy discussing this show extensively with friends, family members and strangers unlucky enough to wander within earshot. A few weeks ago my cousin (only by marriage) Justin pointed out that he would be much more into a slightly easier show called Underwear and Nervous but I would like to take it a step further and be on Fully Clothed and Indoors.

Part of my obsession involves thinking of this show as the Hunger Games as if I could be chosen at any time and I have to be ready to go at a moment's notice. Not in the sense that I am physically fit and knowledgeable on survival methods but in the sense that I have so many ideas for what my one survival tool would be. I know this sounds like one woman's obsession but trust me, this is fun for the whole family. My cousin (also by marriage, years ago our grandpa married our grandma) Kelsey and I have our lists (in no particular order) and rationales ready to go. Feel free to comment if you have any necessary survival tools we forgot!

"I brought my phone charger. Obviously."

"I brought the Hamilton soundtrack. Don't worry - original Broadway cast recording."

"I brought some T.J. Maxx coupons because they're going to expire while we're out here so...only if we see one, we don't have to make a special trip. "

"I chose Sun-In! I love what it does for my hair and we're going to be in the sun a lot so I'm super excited to see the results!"

"I brought toilet paper. 2 ply."

"They wouldn't let me bring my phone but they allowed an iPod touch. I just HAVE to Snapchat this."

"I brought Lion King but I only had it on VHS so fingers crossed you brought a VCR player."

"I brought my new bathing suit. I assume there will be some water sources and this is strapless so it's really good for avoiding pesky tan lines and it was just too cute to leave at home!"

"I had to bring my nail file. If one of my nails breaks you do not want to be around me I will just be useless and whiny. Not that different from how I am now, actually."

"I brought Beyonce's light-up selfie phone case so I can light myself for the close-ups. It should really make things easier on the camera crew."

"I brought my Sweet Frog yogurt punch card. I already had 9 so the next one is free! Don't worry I'll totally share. I was thinking blueberry yogurt with rainbow sprinkles but I'm also open to Oreo or M&Ms."

"I decided to bring my Yeti rambler. I like my water to be really cold. Don't worry it's monogrammed so I won't get it confused with yours if you brought one too."

"I brought my eyebrow pencil because without it my brows just won't be very expressive and the viewers at home won't know what I'm feeling."

"I brought my Bath & Body Works eucalyptus spearmint candle. It's aromatherapy."

"I chose to bring my contour kit. It's really important for sculpting my face and playing up my cheek bones and we can even use it for like...camouflage."
"I brought some Bojangles seasoning. Every night can be Cajun night!"

"I brought my sound soother machine from Sharper Image so we can fall asleep peacefully. I normally go with surf or fireside but we can wait and play it by ear. Get it? Hello?"

"I could not leave home without...my hair tie. Obvi a necessity."

"I brought my Olay moisturizer because it's really important to keep your skin hydrated."

"I brought a razor."

"I chose to bring my Polaroid camera so we can take some cute, artsy landscape pics. These will get a ton of Instagram likes, trust me."

"I brought this Post-it note with my Netflix username and password written on it. I tried memorizing them but decided to bring this for backup. In case we get bored."

"I have my favorite Kylie lip kit for us to use. Matte lipstick in Exposed. Don't worry, it's a good nude, very versatile, I'm sure it will work for your skin tone too."

"I brought biotin, I'm getting over a really bad haircut so I need to take one every day so my hair will grow."

"I brought my nail polish with me in case I get any chips. It's OPI Cozu-melted in the sun I thought maybe production would take the hint and send us to Mexico."

"My survival item is this taser. We can use it to stun animals or I will use it on you if needed. Don't test me."

"I have the latest People magazine. As I'm sure you know Taylor and Tom just started dating so I need all the deets. If this isn't a survival tool, I don't know what is. Hey...where are you going?"

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Dad Libs

Looking for a gift for your dad that won't get shoved to the back of the closet like last year's Yankees tie? Searching for some way to stand out to your grandfather amidst a sea of cousins? Anxious to one-up your siblings in the never-ending contest for your father's love? Need to bribe the man who has been forcing you into physical activities you hate for years in order to get him to keep paying for your education?

If you answered yes to none or more of the above questions then boy do I have the post for you!

Introducing: Dad Libs! The fill-in-the-blank Father's Day card that is sure to make your father smile uncomfortably.

Step 1: Follow the prompts and come up with the zaniest adjectives/nouns/verbs/etc you can think of.
Step 2: Insert the appropriate adjectives/nouns/verbs/etc into the Dad Libs.
Step 3: Enjoy with the whole family!

1. adjective
2. noun
3. plural noun
4. plural noun
5. adjective
6. plural noun
7. adjective
8.high number
9. worst band you can think of
10. gerund
11. adjective
12. disgusting food
13. adjective
14. adjective 
15. article of clothing
16. adjective
17. game
18. sports team
19. Law & Order character
20. rap song
21. plural mythical creatures
22. adjective
23. verb
24. expression
25. plural noun
26. musical artist with blonde hair
27. emotion
28. animal

Dear 1. adjective Dad, 

Happy 2. noun's Day! Today is all about  3. plural noun4. plural noun and 5. adjective  6. plural  noun. I am so 7. adjective to have a dad like you! I will never forget your 8. high number  9. worst  band you can think of CDs or your knack for 10. gerund  11. adjective. I loved when you would cook me 12. disgusting food when I was little. Even if you always cooked it too 13. adjective for my taste. You always rock 14. adjective   15. article of clothing and are 16. adjective at 17. game. I love cheering on the 18. sports team with you. You remind me so much of 19. Law & Order character and the song 20. rap song always makes me think of you. Remember when I was little and you would pretend to be 21. plural mythical creatures with me? That was frankly very 22. adjective. Thanks for teaching me how to 23. verb and always telling me "24. expression". I hope you get lots of 25. plural noun today and listen to some 26. musical artist with blonde hair.

With 27. emotion

Your favorite 28. animal 

In case you need an example, here's mine.

Dear lumpy Dad, 
Happy Spork's Day! Today is all about raccoonsUgg boots and chocolatey pool floats. I am so ambidextrous to have a dad like you! I will never forget your eleventy billion Insane Clown Posse CDs or your knack for skipping lackadaisically. I loved when you would cook me Vienna sausages when I was little. Even if you always cooked it too fishy for my taste. You always rock neon sweat bands and are sneaky at crossword puzzles. I love cheering on the Cincinnati Reds with you. You remind me so much of Captain Don Cragen and the song Stuntin' Like My Daddy always makes me think of you. Remember when I was little and you would pretend to be leprechauns with me? That was frankly very disturbing. Thanks for teaching me how to argue and always telling me "suck it up". I hope you get lots of chimichangas today and listen to some Ke$ha.

With empathy

Your favorite saber-tooth tiger