Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Biggest Party All Year: Round 4

If you haven't liked any of my countless posts about the 2015 UNC Dance Marathon in the past few weeks, we're probably no longer friends. In the event that you gave up social media for Lent, have been on a deserted island, or broke both of your thumbs, I will forgive you if you share this blog post, my last UNC Dance Marathon (as an undergrad) in review. I reserve the right to come back as a dancer/motivator/volunteer/emcee/VIP/celebrity guest for years to come.

I couldn't possibly convey everything that happened in a single post, but I have organized my thoughts into brief summaries of every hour.

Hour 1
A "Meet The Exec Board" video featured a lovely 5 second clip of me stuffing a grilled cheese into my face. Super profesh.

Hour 2
My entire committee and the executive board saw my parents before I did because they were running pizza pickups. This is the point where I learned we had roughly 10 boxes of mayonnaise packets. So 9 completely unnecessary boxes.

Hour 3
Dinner is served! After every color team ate, Tina got on the microphone in Gym B and gave me a shout out.

Hour 4
I got my first meal under my fanny pack and Missy and Charles came into Gym B so I could introduce my committee members to Missy of #TheMissyChronicles.

Hour 5
Midnight Magic was fun until I realized I was freezing. So I headed back inside to make sure energy drinks were ready because at this point dancers start needing artificial sugars.

Hour 6
Good Night With Jay Putnam filmed in Gym A and I realized that it is definitely time for me to have my own show. Someone get on this.

Hour 7
My committee started setting up to serve Late Night Snack which involved dumping huge bags of salsa into trays. This made the most disgusting sounds, I may give up salsa for Lent next year instead of veggies.

Hour 8
While serving Late Night Snack it became apparent that I cannot say no to people. Dancers could seriously ask me for chips & salsa, a piece of cake, and a cookie and I would offer them a king size candy bar to round out their meal.

Hour 9
My committee SLAYED our committee dance despite barely knowing what we were doing. We shook it off, there was a lift, I watched Kelly for cues the whole time. But it was great.

Hour 10
Thongy...the exec board's dance happened. It was...interesting. I think people screamed for us more out of obligation than amazement but from the stage all cheers are good cheers.

Hour 11
After missing senior hour I headed out to Henry Stadium for a sunrise walk and finally secured a spot around the stadium to feel like a big deal. 4 years in the making...I made it fam.

Hour 12
I technically missed this mail drop but for 4 years I have had the completely underwhelming experience of realizing my parents DIDN'T buy me one of everything from our merch store. But they were at the marathon and each bought one of my committee shirts...talk about adorable. 

Hour 13
We started setting up for breakfast and set out COFFEE for dancers. Coffee is obviously a huge deal at the marathon. Much caffeine. Dancers very happy.

Hour 14
Breakfast is served...after the 5K and the marathon, no one ever say the word bagel to me again. I am the definition of "bae goals". 

Hour 15
I chilled in SNL hallway some more and tried to take pictures with my lovely subchairs. This was interrupted when one of my committee members started throwing those dern mayonnaise packets at us. Thanks Kelly.

Hour 16
RAVE ON STAGE. I wore sparkly gems on my face and threw glow sticks to dancers from the stage, confetti cannons burst behind me (after production moved me out of their way). Everything I hoped it would be.

Hour 17
Lunch was served outside and amazingly, we found a non-profit to take the leftover sub sandwiches! We got rid of at least 4 more mayonnaise packets.

Hour 18
I spent this time cleaning up SNL hallway and  realizing that we had a cotton candy machine that we should probably utilize.

Hour 19
Vermonster...Ben & Jerry's gives us a ton of ice cream that dancers have to eat with their hands as quickly as possible. Quality entertainment. 

Hour 20
We arranged for a surprise for dancers outside...INFLATABLES! Dancers were literally sprinting to the bouncy houses and slide. Meanwhile I leaned against the obstacle course and fell asleep in between blinks.

Hour 21
For the first time all marathon, food was served that I had nothing to do with! Ben & Jerry's came in and served ice cream and SNL debated what to do with all that mayonnaise.

Hour 22
More cleaning. And changing into my polo and jeans again. I look beyond gross at this point. All the dry shampoo and Febreze in the world couldn't help me at this point.

Hour 23
Dancers enjoyed family hour in Gym A and I ripped banners from the walls of Gym B. 

Hour 24
One of my favorite parts of Dance Marathon, the "By the Numbers" video played right before total reveal. 2015 was a record-breaking year. We raised $570,561.48 for the kids! In my 4 years here, the largest student-run non-profit in North Carolina has raised over $2 million. #Blessed

SHOUT OUTS
Huge thank yous to everyone who has donated to my dancer total this year! If you want an embarrassing photo of me, heartfelt handshake, personal haiku, naming rights to my first child, seriously, just ask.
Mama Meg - Thank you so much for supporting your 3rd daughter!
Grandma & Grandpa - The only donors who actually requested photos of me (thanks Grandma).
Mary &Avery - Thank you for your donations! I know post-grad life is hard and moneys don't grow on trees. I appreciate you (and the rest of 2014) so much!
Hope & Kelsey - Thank you for welcoming me to the SNL family and the SNLJSchooldyNASTY. I will forever be grateful for your support and advice.
Memaw & Aunt Donna - You both managed to use donations to lure me to church...very sneaky. God bless.
Daddy - Thank you for talking to your co-workers for me and harassing Pfizer's matching grant department. Besos.
Aunts & Family - Thank you for all of your donations and for being proud of me and supporting my involvement in UNC Dance Marathon for 4 years.
Cornerstone - Finally, thanks so much to my church family. Over the past 4 years so many of you have donated, liked my posts, asked about UNC DM or just let me talk about it for hours on end.

This year has been the biggest blessing and I will forever be grateful to have served as the 2015 Supply and Logistics Chair for the Carolina For The Kids Foundation. A million thank yous to everyone who has helped along the way. Now SHUT UP AND DANCE WITH ME!

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Professional Yet Hype

As many of you and anyone who has ever met me knows, I have friends for 2 main reasons. School projects and UNC Dance Marathon. My popularity really skyrocketed this year when I made the Carolina For The Kids Foundation executive board and overnight 13 people had to be my friend for a whole year. For this reason alone I would suggest any high school senior select their college based on the dance marathon program at that school. It's funny because you think I'm kidding but I'm not even a little bit joking.

I have had the honor of knowing and working with 13 of the most driven and caring people I have ever met this year and it will be a privilege to stand beside them at 8:00 PM, Saturday, March 21st. It is my pleasure to introduce you to the 2015 Carolina For The Kids Executive Board, 13 of my favorite people. Are we humans, or are we dancers?

Executive Director - Evan
The Conductor
If you've ever been in the Pope Room you know that the Exec Director's main role is to "meet with some of us" each week. Evan has to keep us all accountable, on task, and hardest of all, relatively quiet during meetings. He also gets at least 10 questions a day from me alone. 50% of those are me asking him if I can be excused to go to the bathroom.

Campus Fundraising - Kari
The Hostess
The CampFun chair is our main Greek life liaison and Kari has set me up with so many benefit nights this year. I will take any excuse possible to go to dinner with friends instead of eating a hot pocket alone. Thanks to all of the bar nights Kari organized, instead of spending Friday nights alone watching Friends reruns, I spend Friday nights out with real life friends and push my wallowing in self pity back to Saturday. Fun fact: CFTK benefit nights are a great way to ask guys out because they pretend it's for charity and you pretend it's leading to a proposal.

Community Outreach - Meagan
The Teacher
Meagan organizes mini-marathons at local (and some not-so local) elementary, middle and high schools. She also came up with a Vacation Bible School push that was totally genius and works on several other local events. CommOut organizes fundraiser FTK trees in the winter and gives tours of the marathon to visitors interested in learning more about everything going on. I have a feeling my grandma will be all over that. And I would be too if it meant I got to hang out with Meagan more.

Corporate Marketing - Christina
The Networker
Christina, or Tina as we like to call her, asks corporations, small businesses, sponsors, restaurants, really anyone we can think of for money. CoMa writes all of our grant applications and organizes sponsors for Kilometers For The Kids and the marathon. Keeping the sponsors happy and the money flowing is what CoMa does best. Tina also passes on to me all of the sponsors who offer in-kind donations instead of monetary, which makes my life easier.

Donor Development - Beth
The Mailman
Beth could probably stuff envelopes in her sleep at this point because DD organizes all of our letter pushes where we send out letters on behalf of committee members and dancers. She conquered mail merge! And leaky stamps! Beth is in charge of keeping the alumni in the loop and connected to our organization. Beth is also the unofficial environmental chair and holds an alumni brunch. Who doesn't love brunch?

Entertainment - Heather
The DJ
What you might not know about Heather is that she is the best dancer I have ever seen. Give her a dance floor, a beat and get out of the way. So it makes sense that she is in charge of keeping dancers hype by scheduling DJs and entertainment during the marathon. Do you know how hard it is to keep 2,000 people entertained for 24 hours? I can't keep myself entertained for more than 5 minutes without a book or television. And not once this year has Heather yelled "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?" I don't know how she does it. Heather is also the keeper of the 5x5, a simple spreadsheet that has EVERY 5 MINUTES OF THE MARATHON SCHEDULED. No pressure.

Event Donations - Sonya
The Giver
Sonya completely organized our Benefit Reception. By herself. Cause she's a rockstar. EvDo is responsible for soliciting for all of the great items we auction off at the BR and dancer incentives. So basically Sonya works to give really awesome gifts, that you have to buy or raise money for, but still. Fun fact: This one time, we tried to raise $25,000 in 25 hours and Chelsea and I had $0 donated until Sonya came and it became 25K in 25 minutes ft. Sonya cause she rocks.

Finance - Landon
The Trick or Treater
Landon's area of expertise is a subject my father would say I am quite well-versed in...asking people for money. Landon pays the bills, keeping a roof over our heads and he goes to the bank almost as often as I go to Victoria's Secret, except he is on actual CFTK business. Landon coordinates all of our cannings, which are a lot like selling Girl Scout cookies door to door except without any cookies.

Fundraising Projects - Chelsea
The Designer
Chelsea is the person I go to when I start to think that the DM section of my closet isn't big enough. FundProj designs all of the merchandise we sell and coordinates dancer fundraisers like bake sales and date auctions. Unfortunately I am not very helpful to Chelsea because I lack what some would call "perspective" aka I fully admit that I will buy anything that says "CFTK" "UNCDM" "FTK" and therefore estimating sales is not my forte.

Hospital - Shakeia
The Intermediary
Shak works directly with all of the amazing families we serve. She dedicates every Tuesday afternoon to Parent's Night Out, where we serve meals at the hospital. Shakeia is responsible for communicating with families and Kid Co-Captains. The role Shak fills is particular important because she is around cute kids all the time and has to maintain her composure instead of asking to hold them all. I could never do it.

Morale and Recruitment - Jean-Luc
The Recruiter
The Morale chair has had the distinct pleasure of always being the weirdest member of Exec...until this year. Even though JL isn't as weird as I am, I like to think I'm rubbing off on him. Morale choreographs our pit dance, marathon line dance and all sorts of other shenanigans like dredging up Facebook photos from 2005. Keeping dancers happy is a full-time job and JL does a great job!

Operations - Logan
The Planner
Logan's job is to us his dad voice to get things done. He deals with the physical logistics of putting on the marathon, all those grown up-y things that give me a headache like reservations and rentals and scheduling and I already give up. Ops also plans our annual Kilometers For The Kids race event which I have had the pleasure of volunteering at for 3 years now because my only other option was to run it. Ha.

Publicity - Brendan
The Social Media Star
Pub is a small army that produces our newsletters, manages our website, produces graphics, deals with the press I'm constantly trying to escape, and my personal favorite, represents us on social media! It was a long battle getting our official accounts to follow me back but 4 years later and I have officially arrived. I even get hit with the occasional retweet. Brendan keeps all this in motion because DM, much like Miley, can't stop won't stop.

Supply and Logistics - Rachel
The Caterer
I'm in charge of all food at the marathon, which will come as a surprise to those of you who read the Hong KONG Buffet expose piece I did a few months ago. Additionally, my idea of a vegetarian option is french fries and cookie dough, so I couldn't have done anything without my fabulous subchairs. My main role is to solicit, or ask people to give me things for free. Unfortunately, trying to get the best deals FTK has not made me any more frugal in the real world.

Stay tuned next week for a marathon recap and SHOUTOUTS!

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Bad Cars & Worse Luck

Remember that time my car broke down when I didn't have my cell phone and wasn't wearing a bra?
Yeah me too.
I was reminded of it last night when MY NEW CAR BROKE DOWN TOO.

Allow me to explain...this was completely out of the blue. My car worked perfectly fine until about a month ago, when it started gradually getting worse and worse until yesterday when BAM! Broken. 100 to zero real quick (30 days, give or take 29 days).

I will admit, this is partially my fault. Percentage wise, I would say I'm somewhere in the neighborhood of 1% responsible, with Obama picking up the other 99. My car radio started flickering awhile ago and I didn't remember to tell my father until a few weeks after it started. When I told him I had been having issues he mentioned that my car had been recalled.

Oh.

That would have been nice to know. It's amazing how if I were to come home at 12:01 AM my parents would consider it incredibly dangerous but if I'm driving around the greater Durham area in a car that's been recalled for electrical malfunctioning, what's the worst that could happen?

Anyways, last night I was literally telling the story of how my first car broke down as I drove my friend Rene home. At this point, it's something I can laugh about. Or at least it was. As soon as I parked my car at my house, the entire computer system shut down. I couldn't lock it, turn on the lights, get my key out of the ignition, use the emergency calling system, and the worst part is I couldn't even listen to the radio. I know.

So, when faced with this adversity, I asked myself, who is an adult that might be awake? It was 12:30 AM. So I called my Aunt Julia. When it was assured that I hadn't butt dialed her (in her defense, my butt has a mind of its own and does knock stuff over unbeknownst to me with an alarming frequency) I informed her that I had called AAA and they basically told me tough cookies. Since I didn't require roadside assistance I wasn't really their problem. A friend suggested we push my car into the road and call back for roadside assistance, but that just seemed like an awful lot of cardio. We decided I should just try to remove the rest of my key ring and call it a night. Upon exiting my car, I was reminded of this ancient invention called manual locks that still exist. I decided to lock the driver's side door at least in an attempt to thwart whatever prowlers may be in the area.

Plot twist. Every single door is now locked. Not a huge issue since I'm pretty sure my computer system is RIP, but I had removed all hope of getting to the 600 plus candy bars in my trunk. (Donated for UNC Dance Marathon, I didn't just buy 600 candy bars, a lot of my current candy budget is being re-allocated to #SprangBreak2k15).

So here we are. I already knew I was a completely unqualified driver, but as it turns out, I'm not even qualified to own a car. Some people kill goldfish and houseplants. I kill automobiles.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Pets "Rnt" Us

If you follow me on Instagram then you may have noticed that my most-liked picture recently changed from a picture of me and a ram to a picture of me and a puppy. How does it feel to know that animals are more worthy of likes than me and my friends? About as good as knowing that my self-worth is inextricably linked to social media likes.

Last week, my friend Beth and I embarked on what turned out to be quite the adventure with that puppy. And by adventure I mean we may have been reported to the ASPCA. Just hear me out...

Late Thursday night we wrapped the puppy in an old t shirt to keep her warm and rushed to Petco before it closed. While serious pet owners milled about perusing the latest and greatest in fortified kitten shampoo, Beth and I roamed the canine aisles asking each other how to find the "cheapest collar possible" and that is a direct quote. If that weren't bad enough, two women approached us wanting some face time with little Luna, always a scene-stealer. They started asking us questions that apparently any dog owner worth his weight in kibble would've known. When asked how old the dog was we both kind of stared at each other nervously before I guessed "5...months? weeks maybe?" Then they asked where we got her. "Some breeder" was the best we could do for that one. And on top of that...I'm not going to say that we dropped her...but she did manage to wiggle free from our clutches a few times. The ladies kept chatting us up and we did know enough to tell them that she was a chow-pei mix and they suggested we give her oatmeal baths for her bad skin and feed her a diet of sweet potatoes and shrimp. Meanwhile we've survived 4 years of college on Ramen and will stand in any line for 20 minutes in hopes of free pizza.

After escaping Petco's inquisitive patrons, we proceeded to sneak Luna into Target. And by we, I of course mean me. I nestled Luna into Beth's purse and zipped my winter coat around her. It was all fun and games until she stood up in the purse and whined to get out, unable to resist the designer collaborations and reasonable prices. With her nose poking out of my collar, it was time to abort the mission. Beth promptly left me to smuggle the dog out of Target alone. Thanks.

The next day, one of my best friends bought Luna at our benefit reception and Kelsey Davis brought her game face, outbidding everyone for a golden doodle puppy. Thanks Kelsey! If you ever need me to dog-sit I won't sneak your dog into a Target. At least I probably won't, I don't feel comfortable promising anything right now.

To get to sleep at night I tell myself that Luna was worth so many likes because it was #FTK, or For the Kids. The puppy was auctioned off to raise money for the Carolina For The Kids Foundation. For those of you quick enough to outrun me when I start talking about this organization, CFTK is the largest student-run non-profit in North Carolina. We have over a thousand dancers pledge to raise $150 each and stand for 24 hours at our annual marathon in support of the patients and families of the UNC Children's Hospital.

Dance Marathon is not a club. It's a lifestyle.

Today CFTK is attempting to raise $25,000 in 25 hours! If you are interested in making a donation, you can do so online at http://uncdm.convio.net/site/TR/Events/General?px=1001503&pg=personal&fr_id=105.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Don't Touch Me I'm Famous

As some of you may know, yesterday I was catapulted into stardom after the genius of my tweets was recognized by semi-national news. I know, finally.

So far I have been able to continue going about my daily life under the radar. I think this is likely due to the fact that I'm virtually unrecognizable to my adoring public because my Twitter picture looks nothing like me (it looks much better than me, that's why it's my Twitter picture).

In the whirlwind since USA Today and Sports Illustrated I have been contemplating how I will leverage my new-found fame. Here I have compiled a list of my top 10 favorite options (in no particular order). Additionally, I have not ruled out using my Sports Illustrated cred to find a way into the swimsuit issue.


1. E!
It has been my dream to have my own E! reality show ever since I first learned how to pronounce Kardashian. If my blog is any indication, my closest friends and family for the most part will not watch my show but I think I could really corner the market of semi-close Facebook acquaintances trying to do anything other than homework on Sunday afternoons. The best part is that the show has no premise, cameras just follow me around my incredibly busy life. Sometimes I sit in the living room on my laptop, sometimes I lay in my bed on my laptop, anything can happen really. And I already narrate my life in my head so there's no script necessary. The worst part is that I might have to look into wearing more pants. 

2. SNL
Not even in my wildest dreams would I be invited slash allowed to host Saturday Night Live. But I'm thinking eventually someone important enough will hear my name and I will be able to tour Studio 8H. I would say that I will 100% embarrass myself if I get within 100 feet of any past or present cast member, but in all honesty I wouldn't be embarrassed at all. I have zero couth and zero shame, a deadly combination. Also I love you Colin Jost.

3. Radio Show
My father has always told me I have a face for radio. I would love to have my own radio show. No need for hair, makeup or wardrobe, plus I could gain as much weight as I wanted. Should my charisma and spunk produce a stalker, he or she won't know what I look like. In the much more likely case that my outspoken opinions produce some disgruntled citizens, they won't be able to assassinate me because I'm just another faceless voice like Johnny Gilbert and whoever really did Gwyneth Paltrow's singing parts on Glee.

4. Celebrity Jeopardy!
I realize this should probably be a subhead under SNL but in my perfect world that I invite you all to live in, Celebrity Jeopardy! is its own show. It comes on ABC right after Jeopardy! much to the delight of everyone who plans their days around Alex Trebek (mainly just me). Celebrity Jeopardy! is my favorite SNL sketch. In the show, Will Ferrell would continue to play Trebek in every episode and Darrell Hammond would always be there as Sean Connery. I will appear as various celebrities alongside a new guest star for each episode. I've already started brainstorming categories. "Pronouncing Idina Menzel" will be great for when John Travolta guest stars.

5. Lifetime
To quote some lady doing stand-up that I saw this one time "Lifetime. TV for women. Except every time I watch Lifetime a woman is being raped, killed, or beaten. Whose lifetime is that?" I love Lifetime shows though and I was personally offended when I wasn't asked to be on Big Women: Big Love. Everyone thinks that's ridiculous of me, saying that I can't be on that show because I'm not overweight. I think the real reason is because this show follows women in their dating lives and I would have no material. My Lifetime show would be like Between Two Ferns, I would interview different celebrities every week and ask them the tough questions. I really want to ask Katie Holmes if she was actually ever pregnant. Google image search that, you'll see what I mean.

6. Honorary Degree
Colleges will give honorary degrees to any old celebrity who was ever spotted on a TMZ camera. I swear all you have to do to get an honorary Masters degree from Brown is be within 3 degrees of Emma Watson. Or donate a couple million dollars. Back in my day we had to work for fake degrees, you had to be an expert at photoshop, or at the very least know someone who owned a copy machine, a real degree, and a bottle of white out. In any event, I will happily accept an honorary doctorate in Near and Middle Eastern Studies from any university so that I can go ahead and start professing without all the grad school.

7. Dating Show
It just makes sense. I have watched more dating reality shows than I care to admit. So I think I have created the perfect formula. I want the drama of Bad Girls Club with the hot guys of The Bachelorette with the judges of Project Runway with the confessionals of Jersey Shore and the challenges of America's Next Top Model. And of course the winner will get to propose to me with a yellow pear cut diamond engagement ring donated by Neil Lane. Or you know, whatever, I haven't really thought about it much.

8. Book Deal
Every time I get a phone call from an unknown number there's a huge part of me that thinks it will be a publisher interested in turning White Girl Wednesday into a book. And every single time I don't answer because I get too excited and some would say too far ahead of myself. Apparently shopping for book cover outfits before you have actually written a book is counting your eggs before they crack. Tell that to the 3 pairs of shoes I bought today because I decided footwear really sets the tone for the whole book. I think that the best part about having a book deal would be that my threats will carry more weight. For years I've been telling people who piss me off "If I were you, I would think long and hard about how this scene is going to play out in my autobiography." and unfortunately for now those are just empty words. For now.

9. White Girl Wednesday: The Musical
Because how awesome would this be? I have so many original songs already written for a White Girl Wednesday musical spectacular. And by written I mean remixed. The opening act will be I Just Can't Wait For A Ring, a sassy new version of I Just Can't Wait To Be King that instead focuses on my desire to marry soon. Lea Michele will star as me of course. If you're currently friends with me and want someone other than Kristen Stewart to play you, then I'd start treating me better. Just something to consider.

10. Newspaper Column
Two words. Carrie Bradshaw. My blog is already really similar to a newspaper column, I could just keep writing White Girl Wednesday but expand my audience. Although it is hard to imagine people who actually read the newspaper reading my blog.  To be fair, it's hard to imagine being able to afford an actual newspaper. But when I think of adoring fans across the nation (okay my immediate family from across my hometown) clipping my articles out of the newspaper I can't help but want to be a columnist. Also, I think that if I write for a newspaper I automatically get a never-ending supply of pencil skirts, stylish glasses and trench coats. I'm pretty sure I read that somewhere.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Dating by Colors...Red & Blue

We've all been there. You meet someone you really like, you feel sparks, you think there's something there...but then you discover something unforgivable about them. They have an outie belly button. They use the Oxford comma. They're a convicted felon. For me, if you're a registered Democrat, whatever fleeting attraction that I invented us sharing in my imagination will go no further. Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends live next door to liberals, but at 21, I'm an old maid with no time to waste on eligible bachelors I could never marry and raise children with.

So after accidentally falling for a Democrat yet again, a friend suggested I make a dating website that matches couples up according to their political views. (My plan was to form RAUD, Republicans Against Undercover Democrats, a support group for people like me.) I must say I'm surprised and disappointed that I couldn't find any such dating websites already in existence. I would sign up for GOPDate faster than you can say supply-side economics. So despite lacking the coding abilities to actually create PoliPairings, a website that puts the party! in partisan, I got started.

Members will begin by simply answering what political party they identify with. After answering republican, they will advance to the next level. Did I forget to mention that this is primarily a website designed to locate all men in the southeastern United States with political views matching mine exactly? Oops.

Question 2 asks the men if they would consider themselves a conservative republican, moderate republican or liberal republican. They will place their marker on a scale from liberal to conservative amongst the markers of famous republicans and celebrities. Okay, celebrity. Fred Thompson is really our only ally in Hollywood, God bless him. Speaking of allies...for bonus points users can select which country they would most want the US to form an alliance with. The choices are Israel.

Conservative republicans are then asked to select their favorite president. Choices are Abraham Lincoln, Ulysses S. Grant, Theodore Roosevelt, Herbert Hoover, Dwight Eisenhower, Richard Nixon, Ronald Reagan, and George W. Bush. Participants who select Roosevelt, Reagan and Bush will move on to answer a very invasive and comprehensive set of questions about every political issue I care about. Participants who chose Grant and Eisenhower have an essay to explain themselves.

The final section is fill in the blank questions about Supreme Court Justices. Observe.
Antonin Scalia is _______.
Clarence Thomas is _______.
Elena Kagan ______.
Word Bank
THE man
also the man
sucks

Once this website leads me to my husband and we celebrate our July 4, 2015 nuptials, I would be more than happy to spread the love and help connect my fellow republicans to their GOP spouses. PoliPairings can expand to help unite all political parties with their respective soul mates. The live version of the website will be a lot less narrow than my version. After selecting their political affiliation on a spectrum, users will be given an avatar in the appropriate color. From light blue to navy and pink to maroon, democrats and republicans will be able to date in harmony once again. You're welcome America.

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Define "Date"

Recently someone asked me if I had a date for Valentine's Day. After the initial shock wore off, I politely asked them to define "date" as it's a word I'm not sure I understand. I share that story because it gives me hope. There are still people out there asking me "do you have a boyfriend?" I want to personally thank all of those people for believing that is something that could happen. Your misplaced confidence is too kind.

Today's blog post is a quiz for all of you struggling to make Valentine's plans. There are just so many options. Should I stay in alone or with a girlfriend? Should I order pizza or go to a drive through? Should I eat an entire cake or an entire pack of cookies? I know. It's hard. So I developed this quiz guaranteed to match your personality with the perfect girl scout cookie and movie for you to share this Valentine's Day with. You're welcome.

1. What is your all-time favorite dessert?
A baklava
B chocolate milkshake, 2 straws
C lemon squares 
D froyo 
E Vanilla cake with chocolate frosting
F Carrot Cake
G
Dark chocolate cake with raspberry sauce and citrus zest

2. Which of these songs is the most you?
A Thunder by Boys Like Girls
B My Heart Will Go On by Celine Dion
C Chocolate by the 1975
D
Blank Space by Taylor Swift
E
A Thousand Miles by Vanessa Carlton
F The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson
G
Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana 

3. Who is your favorite celebrity?
A Jennifer Lawrence 
B Kate Hudson
C Helena Bonham Carter 
D Emma Watson 
E Reese Witherspoon
F Shailene Woodley 
G Johnny Depp

4. What TV show do you never miss?
A Orange Is The New Black
B Say Yes To The Dress
C Strange Sex
D Pretty Little Liars 
E Friends reruns 
F The Dr. Oz Show 
G 1000 Ways to Die

5. What would you say is your best quality?
A I'm myself
B I'm happy
C I'm weird
D I'm fabulous
E I'm average 
F I'm wholesome 
G I'm different

6. What quality are you looking for in a pizza?
A Spinach
B Big enough to share
C Cheesy crust 
D Pepperoni
E Cheese 
F Gluten-free crust 
G As many flavors as possible

7. What is your favorite color?
A Green 
B Red 
C Yellow 
D Pink 
E Blue 
F Beige 
G Black


Mostly As
Thin Mints & Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist
You love to be quirky, original and refreshing, just like you. Why be with someone else if you can't be yourself? Nick and Norah give you hope that true love can happen on your terms. Until then, you'll stick to your thin mints.

Mostly Bs
Tagalongs & Pretty Woman
You're a romantic and currently in love. You and your guy are like peanut butter and chocolate, better together. Nothing says classic romance like Julia Roberts and Richard Gere, so you plan to show your man Pretty Woman, a classic rom com, to give him some ideas on how to spoil you.

Mostly Cs
Lemonades & Gone Girl
You over-think things and plan on having a sour February 14th as the ultimate protest. You decide to watch Gone Girl, a movie about marriage gone wrong, and remember how lucky you are to be alone with your lemon cookies.

Mostly Ds
Samoas & 50 Shades of Grey
You're a basic white girl dreading Valentine's because you will have to stay off social media for at least 24 hours. So instead you plan on seeing 50 Shades with gal pals and sneaking your favorite girl scout cookies into the theater. You're already planning your insta caption for next February when you will definitely have a boyfriend.

Mostly Es
Trefoils & Valentine's Day
You're traditional and simple, which isn't a bad thing. Instead of sweating over Valentine's plans you decide this Garry Marshall flick makes the most sense. You like your cookies plain and your plot lines predictable.

Mostly Fs
Rah-Rah Raisins & Breakfast at Tiffany's
You value being healthy and wholesome so your cookie has raisins and whole grains and your movie is a classic. You dream of hiking dates and organic picnics, but on the 14th, settle in with Audrey Hepburn.

Mostly Gs
Cranberry Citrus Crisps & Friday the 13th
You're zesty and unique with a dark side. On the "most romantic day of the year" you wouldn't be caught dead watching some rom com. Instead of heading to Hot Topic or painting every fingernail a different neon color, watch a slasher film where you know the couples are sure to die first.