Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Happy Late Birthday

Today's post is a rant expressing my extreme disappointment with a recent Shari's Berries order. That was your warning, if you don't wish to read further it's totally fine and I understand and you're wrong and I hate you.

So. Let me just tell y'all something about Shari's Berries. They ruin birthdays (and probably lives).

Our story begins on the day my mother was born. April 26th in a year I feel would be unwise to share.

Fast forward to April 26th, 2016. My mother's birthday. I will be out of town. I decide to send her flowers. I quickly remember that flowers are stupid and decide to send her chocolate-covered strawberries instead.

So I call up my good friend Shari and ask for a half dozen of her finest berries. I decide to have them sent to the school she teaches at. Luckily, there is a "school" option so I select this thinking that will guarantee their arrival oh, I don't know, sometime before the end of the school day. I was wrong.

At this point I feel it is important to share that I have had another experience with Miss Shari and her berries. Picture it. Valentine's weekend, 2016. Strawberries arrive at my doorstep sometime before noon bidding me a happy bat mitzvah. They were scheduled to arrive anytime before 6 PM. They arrived super early during the chaos of Valentine's Day so I assumed these berries were in good hands. Again, I was wrong.

Back to present-day. I decide I should give Shari a call and check on these berries, make sure they will be delivered before 3 PM. I call and speak to a super nice guy who explains that school and business deliveries are made first and residential deliveries are made after, so the berries should arrive around 2 - 3 PM. I'm pretty jazzed that I will be able to pull of this surprise delivery/birthday present and excited for my mom to read the birthday haiku I plagiarized for her.

I continue living my life, taking selfies, making Harry Potter jokes, wearing XL shirts and the like. 3 PM comes and goes. No email or text message confirming the delivery. I'm not pleased because at this point I've had to tell my mom about the delivery so she can stay at school a little later and check the office. But I still have faith in Shari. I assume she just kept the strawberries for delivery on April 27th since she missed the 8 AM - 3 PM window on the 26th. Yet again, I was wrong.

I got a text message at 7:14 PM saying that my strawberries had been delivered. Do y'all know any schools open at 7 PM? Me either. (Not to mention that all orders are supposed to be delivered by 6 PM. Except I guess I just mentioned it. Oops.)

Now, was it important to me that my mother get her present on her actual birthday? Yes. Because let me explain how science works to y'all. There are no calories on your birthday. (My mother is the type of person who would consider chocolate-covered strawberries a serving of chocolate, not fruit.)

So I call Shari. I speak with someone who is clearly unfamiliar with the concept of time because after I explain what happened she asked why I was upset with the order. And then asked if they were delivered at 7 AM or PM.

While I was on the phone trying to get my money back I got an email from Shari with the subject line of "time to wrap it up". Sha-ha-hade. Later that day I was "randomly selected" to win free shipping on any order $30 or more, which Shari should know I can't afford based on what I continually put in and take out of my shopping cart.

Randomly selected? Yeah right. Shari has obviously had her eye on me and knows that I'm a particularly influential member of the internet community. She knows I could ruin her and her berries.

I need my army of followers to rise up as a single wave of 13-15 people and boycott Shari's Berries. The ball is in your court Shari, if that is your real name. Send me a box of berries I can't refuse, and I will call it all off.

Now...we wait.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Brain Vomit

Literally just a list of thoughts and ideas I decided that the universe needed to hear.

  • Once, a student came up to me and said "Ms. Daniel I took your advice" and I have never been more afraid in my life.
  • Last week after I got dressed I thought to myself "this is totally an outfit my mom would wear". And then I wore it anyway.
  •  You cannot convince me that "Work" by Rihanna has any lyrics.
  • I recently saw one of those face wash commercials with some young up-and-comer, only this time I didn't recognize the young up-and-comer and that's when I knew I was officially old.
  • Sometimes I wonder if my commitment to naming all of my future children after my favorite Degrassi characters is why I'm still single. 
  • I'm going to pose the kittens in a series of ridiculous settings and make a photo album called Mein Kat.
  • You know why they don't make playgrounds for adults? Because ALL playgrounds are for adults! Don't believe me? We can discuss it over the monkey bars.
  • Growing up does mean getting to do more of the things you want to do, but a nasty side effect is also having to do more of the things you don't want to do.
  • If I have a dry sense of humor because I deliver punch lines with a straight face...what is a wet sense of humor? Someone who laughs at their own jokes? Because I do that too.
  • After years of online shopping I was convinced I could never memorize my debit card number. Until one fateful day when I had to order a pizza while my wallet was in my car outside. I guess I just needed higher stakes.
  • Realistically, how many years out are we from drive-through grocery stores?
  • To anyone reading this who wishes to give me a birthday present, my Amazon wishlist is public and called Give It To Me I'm Worth It. Make sure to benefit Carolina For the Kids Foundation through Amazon Smile. I am more than fine with used paperbacks and I accept birthday gifts year round. See also:
  • My new plan is to find a guy named Rich and marry him so at least I can tell people I achieved my goal.
  • I think that given different timing and circumstances, Shonda Rhimes could have been a dictator and Joseph Stalin could have been the showrunner we love to hate. They have similar M.O.s of destroying everything you love to ensure your life is filled only with sadness.
  • I once read that eating peanut butter can help prevent cancer. Now correct me if I'm wrong...but doesn't that mean Reese's cure cancer? I hate to say I told you so.
  • Back in 2012 during the Stop Kony movement I saw a girl walking around Chapel Hill tearing Stop Kony flyers down. 4 years later I still think about that and wonder what her story is. I figure she's either very pro-child soldiers or very anti-paper waste.
  • After much deliberation, I have decided that I want to walk down the aisle at my wedding to "Bad Girls" by M.I.A.
  • It's beginning to alarm me how often I cut out a chunk of my hair because there's queso stuck in it. It's also alarming that I am only now being alarmed by this as it's been happening for ages.
  • I have 2 female roommates. We have 3 male pets. With no father figure I often fear they will turn to a life of crime.
  • I'm not so much putting off marriage as I am waiting to have kids until my mom retires cause you better believe I am farming that out.
  • How is there enough subject matter for 4 seasons of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? This show first aired 7 years ago but the premise still haunts by dreams. 
  • We always tell kids that colleges and employers are going to scan their social media accounts for drugs and alcohol. Maybe we should also tell them that they're checking for proper grammar and punctuation.
  • Sometimes I wonder if I'm throwing away potential profits by keeping this free blog going instead of storing my thoughts for my inevitable book deal.
  • Then I look at my pageviews and get a reality check. Not as good as a money check.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

You've Cat to be Kitten Me

At present, I find myself sharing an apartment with 2 girls and 2 cats. 2 roommates who came with legal names they're oddly attached to (no matter how many times I suggested we all change our names to Phoebe, Rachel and Monica) and 2 cats who desperately need names. One is definitely a boy and the other is probably a girl but also we aren't really sure. Here are some names I'm fighting for but feel free to suggest your own. We want to exhaust all possible resources until we give up and just call them both cat.

Draco Meowfoy & Rowena Ravenclaws
Because if you're not going to make a few purrs & paws puns, what is even the point of having cats? And Harry Potter names are really important. If they were black cats they would already be named Bellatrix & Sirius. 

Munch & Fin
We would always feel safe with these ace detectives paw-trolling for prowlers and cat burglars. 

Moe & Curly
I think it would be really funny to name them Moe & Curly and then when people ask where Larry is, just look at them confused and ask "Who's Larry?" 

Marcus & Brice 
Because those guys are just the greatest. 

Hall & Oates
Unfortunately neither of the kittens has a wicked 'stache.

Catniss & Pawta
Because pop culture/literary puns are a very important category of cat names.

Bonnie & Clyde
My roommates ultimately decided against these names since Bonnie & Clyde were a couple and the kittens are brother and sister. I still think naming anything after Jay Z lyrics is a solid strategy.

Maxine & Mortimer
I love the idea of naming animals and babies and inanimate objects after children born in the 1920s. It's just hilarious.

Tracks & Canyon
Naming these kittens after my lynx & puma beanie babies seems like as good an idea as anything.

Mischief & Managed
Because I obviously have an obsession with Harry Potter names and you should all be very concerned about the potential monikers of my future children. But these names just won't do because both kittens are pure mischief and neither has been managed.

Miles & Teller

Kit & Kat
I really like these names but they also make me hungry. Same for PB & J and Nacho & Cheese.

Artemis & Apollo
Two of my favorite things, twins and Greek mythology. Artemis is goddess of the hunt, which perfectly suits the she-cat as several claw marks on my arm can attest, and Apollo is the god of the sun and also plague.

Hava & Haim
Maybe these cats can get the birthright trip I was cruelly denied (by my mother who said my passport is for Western Hemisphere travel only).

Alexander & Hamilton
See last week. Based on my roommates' reactions I didn't even bother suggesting Aaron Purr.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

The Stage Where It Happens

I have not listened to political commentary in a week. That is partially because I was serving as Brendan's official chauffeur and also because Hamilton.

I think the world could use a few dozen more biopic/historical musicals about significant Americans and/or wig connoisseurs. So I've done the legwork for Broadway. Here are my picks for the next national treasures to get their own musical and my production ideas. Of course, I am more than happy to star in any of the following. You're welcome. 

Andrew Jackson
Because You'll Be Back for more early American drama after Hamilton, Broadway is proud to present this musical about D.C.'s original bad boy.
Name: Spoiled: One Man's Rage Against The Political Machine 
Cast: Jackson's gotta be Sir Ian McKellan. Morgan Freeman as John Marshall (it's called color-blind casting and it's all the rage). Julie Andrews as the Rachels.
Score Suggestions: Petty Women & Petticoats, Enforce This!, Colors of the Wind (maybe no one will notice). 

Susan B. Anthony 
Before the suffragettes, women in this country were Helpless at the ballot box. This musical explores their fight against the patriarchy through song.
Name: 19
Cast: An ensemble cast featuring Sutton Foster as Susie B, Barbra Streisand as Elizabeth Cady Stanton and Bernadette Peters as Jane Addams.
Score Suggestions: It's Called A Hanging Chad Not A Hanging Christine, Seneca Song, We're Obviously The More Intelligent Sex Y'all Should Be Begging Us To Vote. 

Edgar Allen Poe
Writing a musical about a poet is kind of cheating because several of the lyrics will have already been written but it'll be tough to Stay Alive through this dark show.
Name: Cousins
Cast: Of course we need NPH as EAP. Now if only Alfred Hitchcock were around to help us cast the raven. Wait, brain blast! Raven-Symone as the raven! That's so raven!
Score Suggestions: Baltimore Blues, Court-Martial Arts, Never Say Nevermore. 

Dolly Parton 
Singing and acting, What Comes Next? A musical of course! All about the queen of country herself.
Name: Crap, Hey Dolly is already taken. Let's go with Welcome to Dollywood as a placeholder title for now. I'm leaning towards Rhinestone Cowgirl.
Cast: Rule 1: Only Dolly can do Dolly.
Score Suggestions: 9 Feet to 5 Feet Without Hairspray, The Bodyguard Royalty Shuffle, Theme Park Dreams. 

Meryl Davis & Charlie White 
Because if ice dancing could be further incorporated into everyday life That Would Be Enough.
Name: Scheherazade: One Country's Obsession With Ice Dancing
Cast: Rita Ora as Meryl and Jonathan Groff as Charlie.
Score Suggestions: Ice Dancing With the Stars, The Zamboni Song, Gold Medal Love. 

The Kardashians
A smash hit about all the drama behind the family who refuses to Take A Break from whatever it is they do. 
Name: Klan
Cast: Idina Menzel and Lea Michele could definitely play Kardashians. Scott Disick as himself.
Score Suggestions: Lip Challenged, Kimmy Goes West, 72 Hours.

Bill Clinton
Those who found Hamilton's affair with Maria Reynolds boring won't be able to Say No To This musical!
Name: Slick!: The Musical 
Cast: He plays a mean sax so I say we let Willy take the lead. Courteney Cox can play Monica and Kate McKinnon just has to be Hillary or it's really not worth doing.
Score Suggestions: A Dress Address, Silver Fox, First Ladies Man.

Pete Rose*
In a series of flashbacks Pete would Blow Us All Away by gambling and dealing with the aftermath.
Name: Switch Hitter. Get it? Cause he bet on his own team. Or as my father would say, "bet" on his own team. And he was also a switch hitter, but that meaning is not nearly as clever.
Cast: I want Gene Simmons to portray Pete Rose. It's a bold move but this would make a great rock musical.
Score Suggestions: Hall Of Shame, The Big Red Dancing Machine, Rose-Colored Sunglasses.
*This suggestion is mainly so my dad will love me more than my brothers again.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

The Perfect Body

This time of year1 everyone is talking about how to get "the perfect body". Magazines and newsfeeds are filled with promises of "30 second abs" and to help individuals "get fit fast" or "turn heads on the beach" and other headlines that plague women's tabloids while seemingly ignoring the male-aimed media.

My favorite piece of advice concerning how to obtain that elusive beach physique was simple.
"How to get a beach body.
Step 1: Have a body.
Step 2: Go to the beach."

I'm not immune to the pressure, I've tried some crazy diets. I'm still on the all-carb diet and it actually works pretty well if you have zero expectations or life goals.
I once sat on an exercise ball for 30 minutes. Did it give me abs? No.
The older I get the more I appreciate exercises that contain the word "seated". 
Do you realize how many 6-packs of Dr. Pepper I've consumed in 2016 alone? I'm still waiting to see the results on my stomach.

But I do have some helpful tips of my own. So I present White Girl Wednesday's guide to the perfect body.

To get the perfect body, have eyes that see the good in others regardless of crow's feet from years spent smiling.
To get the perfect body, have ears that listen for what's not said.
To get the perfect body, have a mouth that speaks only kindness and truth (and maybe a few jokes).
To get the perfect body, have a mind that never stops believing. 
To get the perfect body, have skin with a scar or two or five that tell amazing stories you're proud to have lived.
To get the perfect body, have a stomach framed by stretchmarks from carrying a life.
To get the perfect body, have abdominal muscles, big or small, that get a workout every day while laughing with friends.
To get the perfect body, have a heart eager to love even the least of these.
To get the perfect body, have arms ready to uplift others.
To get the perfect body, have hands that are happy to give.
To get the perfect body, have feet prepared to go where needed.
To get the perfect body, have legs willing to stand for what you believe in.

This weekend I will be working towards my perfect body at the 2016 UNC Dance Marathon. My arms will be embracing 2,000 of my closest friends, my stomach will ache from the laughter shared (and hopefully, caused), my hands will stay busy helping wherever needed, my cheeks will go numb from smiling too hard and my legs will burn from standing for 24 hours for something that matters.

The mission of the Carolina For The Kids Foundation is to provide major emotional, medical, and financial support for the patients and families served by UNC Children's Hospital.

Click here to learn more.
Click here to donate to me directly.

1Election season!2
2No,basketball season.3
3Wait...swimsuit season! Sorry, priorities.

ShutUpBrenDANCE (Brendan's Birthday Post*)

Today is all about Brendan, what else is new? In honor of his 23rd birthday and Jordan Year, here is a look at our friendship documented primarily through selfies.
It will really enhance your viewing experience if you play One Direction or Taylor Swift in the background while thoroughly enjoying this post.

I told Brendan this should be my new profile pic.
Cause it's of my profile.
He didn't laugh.

As you can see, we took slightly different fashion approaches to graduation. This is shortly after Brendan took some of my graduation pictures in the campus Wendy's.

Fun fact! Once, Brendan (and Touchette) downloaded an app, registered for a phone number and researched Canadian history just to send me obnoxious text messages under the guise of a service called CANADA FACTS.
He really went to a lot of trouble to try to convince me that Canada is a country.
Close, but no cigar.

Sometimes we like to gaze into each other's eyes.
This week was very cold, it reminded Brendan of summers in his native Boston.
We were technically "snowed in" but due to crippling FOMO and Chelsea's willingness to drive Marlin through snow and ice to my house, we made it to trivia and the viewing party for this basketball game anyway, where Brendan skillfully observed "you have to throw the sportsball AND catch the sportsball".

This is a notification that I get quite often because as aforementioned pretty girls, Brendan and I do not pay for pizza.
And we felt the need to make an entire GroupMe about that.

A picture of my blog subject reading this blog. Kind of like blogception, right? This was taken in the Carolina For The Kids Foundation office, the setting of some my fondest memories and worst procrastination.
He's probably only reading because I lied and told him he was in it because I needed the pageviews and ad clicks. A girl's gotta eat and his friendship budget of $2 worth of Crispy M&Ms just doesn't fill me up.

This is a screenshot of one of the many heated discussions Brendan and I have had about fonts.
The main takeaway here is that I'm hilarious.
Also really be careful what you text me because I screenshot convos on the reg.

Me and Brendan at Linda's, home of cheese fries and parmesan-peppercorn ranch, the condiment that could end wars.
I believe my instructions to him were "look excited to be with me".
Earlier that night a homeless guy told Brendan that he better "be proud of his woman" AKA me.
It was one of the best nights of my life and one of the worst nights of Brendan's.

Here's a fun pic of me encouraging Brendan's CFTK successor, Haley, to continue the #PubRevolt after I'm gone.
The #PubRevolt is campus-wide movement where I try to get Brendan's committee to love me more than him.
It was met with mixed results.

We took a selfie with a toilet one time.
That's all I have to say about this picture, but I felt it should be included.
I think it really speaks to our friendship.

This is Brendan's pathetic attempt to convince me that Boston is better than Goldston.
Swing and a miss.

Apparently one night I tweeted about Brendan a lot?
Some things never change.
He does make an excellent point, cats do tend to exist.
And he still looks confused when I ask him to get me ice water. Brendan really? Ice and water. It couldn't be simpler. Maybe it's too simple for his patrician taste. He can lightly toast me a French baguette and serve it with brie but ice water is beyond him.

This is blurry but it's Brendan and an unidentified Sherwood (90% confident this is Evan) taking a picture at a self-proclaimed "selfie station".
I refused and explained that the whole world is my selfie station.

Making waffle cones like bo$$es on Free Cone Day.
This is pretty much what we did all day.
I distinctly remember one of us kept forgetting to turn the waffle cone iron over to start the timer.
Oh wait...that was me.

My favorite picture I have ever taken of Brendan, AKA the boy who cincoed.
We had a color-coded Google Calendar for Cinco de Mayo.
We're not extra.

One of the many snaps chronicling our Tuesdays spent at trivia.
 Round 1 Part 1 is always this day in history (ry ry ry ry). So we prepare via and study and apparently, if we're Brendan, we sleep.

This is a conversation concerning the horrific birthday card I made Brendan last year.
For some reason I thought it would be hilarious to take a ton of pictures of myself, chop the heads off, and glue them into his birthday card.
I think I nailed it.

Brendan's last night living in Chapel Hill.
 Once again I am probably trying to give him posing instructions.
He loves this shirt and I think I wore it every day that week to stores, restaurants, parties and formal banquets.

Brendan and I doing sportz.
This was before the game began and we had each asked someone if it was over yet.

Jean-Luc took this picture of me to send to Brendan since Brendan literally once offered to help me with multiplication.

 After Holi Moli last year. Brendan had a ton of blue dye in his teeth. What a newb.

This screenshot really drives home the point you've already gathered from this post...Brendan looks like he wants to die in every picture of us together.

*Should anyone else be interested in a similar birthday post, I would be happy to do so for the low, low price of 20 U.S. dollars or eternal friendship.