Tuesday, May 24, 2016

1, 2, 3 Sum1 Date Me Pls

Today's post is about how to find a wedding date in 3 easy steps. I have never actually done this so as usual you should absolutely, under no circumstances take my advice. I've never taken a date to a wedding before. Mainly because I've never had a date before. But other people do it all the time, how hard could it be? Of course, I said that about driving and telling time too. 

But I've developed a 3 step system. I will report back on its effectiveness. 

Step 1 - Watch The Wedding Date
This is an important first step, it really sets the tone. This puts you in the mindset to find someone you can tolerate for 4-72 hours depending on your level of involvement in said wedding. It also reassures you that it's okay to pay someone to be your date. We've all done it. Even the goddess Debra Messing.

Step 2 - Plenty of Fish
By that I mean dating websites/apps, but this step is called plenty of fish because I think guys are under the impression that literally every dating site is Plenty of Fish in the sense that that phrase is the only direction they consider when creating their profiles. When it comes to choosing pictures, all guys are the same. "Show this girl that I can catch fish! That'll lure her in! Just like I lure in all those huge fish I catch. Wait...I'm the catch!"

A surprising amount of profiles say "looking for a date to a wedding" so this could be a win/win. Kind of like a reverse The Gift of the Magi thing. I mean it's worth a shot, what else are you gonna do? Get asked out organically by some guy who meets you and likes you of his own accord? Yeah right.

Step 3 - Give up & create a Google form.
Assemble a panel of friends, family and strangers to review the applications and select a winner. (Or loser, depending on how you view this whole process.)


Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Pizza by the Month

Today we're going to talk about 2 of my favorite things. Pizza and astrology. Actually I'm going to type and you're going to read but you get it.

The following is a list of the perfect pizza for each sign complete with the famous faction from young adult literature that each sign would belong in. How do astrology and pizza and YA novels go together? They don't! That's what makes it so fun!

So next time you're struggling to decide which pizza to order, look no further. We already date, gamble and dress according to our astrological signs (just me?) why not add eating to our post-horoscope to do lists?

Aries - The Bold
Literary Domain: Dauntless from Divergent.
Pizza: Buffalo Chicken Pizza
You're not afraid of some flavor so a hot slice of pizza heaped with spicy buffalo chicken and melted pepper jack cheese is perfect for your bold taste buds.

Taurus - The Generous
Literary Domain: Abnegation from Divergent.
Pizza: Extra Cheese Pizza
You're generous with your time, your money and your cheese! You love sharing and extra cheese makes everyone happy. Maybe cheese in the crust too for good measure.

Gemini - The Expressive
Literary Domain: Candor from Divergent.
Pizza: Hawaiian Pizza
You have no problem asking for exactly what you want, even if no one else digs the ham and pineapple combo you will proudly order a Hawaiian slice. Hate on this haters.

Cancer - The Nurturer
Literary Domain: The Order of the Phoenix from Harry Potter
Pizza: Meat Lovers Pizza
You're a natural mother who knows the importance of protein. You like your pizza piled high with bacon, sausage, pepperoni and ham.

Leo - The Confident
Literary Domain: The Capitol from The Hunger Games.
Pizza: Cheeseburger Pizza
Most normal human beings find this concept totally repulsive but you know yourself and you like what you like. You love a pizza with some ground beef, pickles, cheese and mustard drizzle and believe in it enough to force it on your friends too.

Virgo - The Practical
Literary Domain: District 12 from The Hunger Games.
Pizza: Veggie Supreme Pizza
You like to multitask and getting in some veggies while you indulge in pizza is killing 2 birds with one slice. A slice with peppers, onions and olives to be specific.

Libra - The Fair
Literary Domain: Sorters from Matched.
Pizza: Half Pepperoni & Half Cheese Pizza
You understand that whenever there is a disagreement, it's best to just split it in half. With a half pie of pepperoni and a half pie of cheese, everyone will be able to eat.

Scorpio - The Intense
Literary Domain: Slytherin from Harry Potter.
Pizza: Japanese Pizza
You like a lot of flavor so this pizza with shiitake mushrooms, manchego cheese, tofu and edamame will satisfy your need for robust and savory tastes.

Sagittarius - The Independent
Literary Domain: The Factionless from Divergent.
Pizza: Blue Cheese, Ham & Walnut Pizza
You're an original and you like your pizza to be original as well. It doesn't bother you one bit that no one else will want to share this pizza. More for you!

Capricorn - The Focused
Literary Domain: District 2 from The Hunger Games.
Pizza: Cookie Dough Dessert Pizza
You always have an end goal in mind, in this case, dessert! Why bother arguing over toppings when everyone can share a chocolatey dessert pizza and move on to bigger and better things.

Aquarius - The Bright
Literary Domain: Ravenclaw from Harry Potter.
Pizza: Margherita & Spinach Pizza
You know that spinach and tomatoes are brain foods so you ask for extra on your Margherita pizza to boost your memory.

Pisces - The Peaceful
Literary Domain: Amity from Divergent.
Pizza: Pepperoni Pizza
You like for everyone to be happy and pepperoni is a simple crowd pleaser. If they're happy, you're happy.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

Putting the FUN in Funeral

Funerals. Everybody wants one, nobody wants to plan it. I don't think that reads as good as it sounds in my head but at least I've got your attention.

Let's try an alternative opening.

Some little girls grow up thinking about their wedding. Planning the menu, brainstorming locations, designing the dress, hiring and firing bridesmaids, blah and blah blah blah blah. I'll admit to partaking in this female rite of passage. I've got plans for my wedding, most of them concerning decorating with as much black as possible, avoiding flowers and incorporating Harry Potter.

But if I'm being honest with myself, which I rarely ever do, it's a bit of a waste to mentally plan my wedding. Who knows when and if I will ever get to put those plans into action. Excitement kicks in, one thing leads to another and all of a sudden I'm stuck with 30 pounds of black feathers that I may or may not ever get to use. (I'll definitely use them and I got a great deal but you see my point.) So I've started (and finished) planning my funeral.

Guest List
It's not so much that I have a list of people I definitely want in attendance, but a list of people who should under no circumstances be allowed to attend. My best friend since high school keeps the list and I update it regularly. My therapist says this is very unhealthy and not recommended.  

Everything will start with a C. Just because. Cheese. Cookies. Chocolate. Carbs. Crispy M&Ms. Chicken. Cantaloupe. Couscous. My guests will nibble at the assortment with confused expressions whispering to each other "what is she trying to tell us?" and they will never figure it out.
Unless they read this blog.

Definitely a beach. People get married at the beach all the time so I want my funeral at the beach. That's what makes it a FUNeral. That way instead of saying "I'm going to a funeral" *sad face* everyone can say "I went to the beach!" *sunburnt face*.

Body Specifics
I don't want a casket. I just genuinely don't understand the point of paying a lot of money for a box. I also don't feel the need to be embalmed, that just doesn't seem environmentally kosher since I want my body dumped in the ground so it can decompose and grow a lemon tree. I love lemons.
If someone really feels the need to "see me" one last time, just use my wax figure. Either my personal one or Madame Tussaud's, it doesn't matter.

Instead of a traditional service, I want a Friars Club roast. The roasters of course will be all of my closest friends in the comedy business. Amy Schumer, Colin Jost (also playing the part of heartbroken widower), Kate McKinnon, Melissa McCarthy, David Sedaris, Amy Poehler and my mother. She's actually kind of funny sometimes.

Several major networks will vie for the rights to broadcast my funeral but I'm currently negotiating an exclusive contract with TLC. The special is tentatively titled Roasted: Dead or Alive (Definitely Dead).

Dress Code
No black. Black is MY thing. I want everyone to wear my other favorite color, yellow, to my funeral. Almost everyone looks terrible in yellow unless they have a tan so if I die in the winter, I'm sorry. Still try to take lots of selfies at my funeral. It's what I would have wanted.

Before my imminent passing, I will design the programs to be distributed. I will sell advertising space to political candidates and corporations like McDonald's, Target, LOFT and Barnes & Noble. I also want the program to include animal facts as I think it is important to have fun reading material at these things.

Party Favors
After the roast and meal, each attendant will leave with a lovely parting gift! A free eyebrow maintenance kit! My only goal in life was to leave this world a more beautiful place and I think after empowering my guests with tweezers and brow gel we can all agree, mission accomplished.

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Single White Female

Spoiler/Disclaimer: This isn't a post about my plans to steal the identity of and/or murder my roommates. I keep those plans private. So if that's what you were here for you can stop reading but if you're my mother breathing a sigh of relief right now (and she is at least 25% of my fan base), read on.

If I've learned anything from this blog it's that my friends don't read it and the people who actually do read it appreciate storytelling. Stories like my car breaking down, our excursion to Hong KONG Buffet, Ginny's weekend in the emergency room and of course, that wench Shari, those bring in the big pennies.

So I decided to tell another story about my favorite subject. Myself. In the form of a dating profile. This is really killing 2 birds with 1 blogpost (getting views & getting dates) because if anyone reads it I will already know they have a very sophisticated sense of humor and that we have a lot in common. I love my blog, they love my blog. I love writing about myself, they love reading about myself.

I don't know what is supposed to go on a dating profile so in the following profile for myself I have included everything that I would want to know about a potential suitor. Feel free to email me your applications and please include references but keep in mind that I can't promise I won't end up dating your references.

Name: Rachel, Rae, Rach, R-Dawg, R-Dizzle, Loser, D-Rain
Height: I used to be 5'7" but I'm pretty sure I lean towards 5'6" now. Not when I'm actually leaning, actually leaning I'm like 5'4".
Build: My mom says I'm "sturdy".
Coloring: I love to color! Oh, you mean like my hairs. I'm a winter which means I can wear anything but look best in jewel tones. (TL; DR - eyes & hair are golden amber NOT brown)
Race: No thanks, not a fan of cardio.
Location: 99% of the time I'm in my chair in the living room watching Naked and Afraid.
Age: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU! BUT I'M FEELIN 22 (for a few more days)
Status: Childless spinster. But I think the proper term is single, never married, no children.
MBTI: ESFJ (I feel this really explains my entire identity.)
Perfect Date: What is a date?
Goals: The usual. Watch & understand Game of Thrones, have a sandwich named after me at a local diner, publish a series of memoirs that get adapted into an Tony-winning musical.
Likes: Reality television, empty carbohydrates, Buzzfeed, Harry Potter, John Stamos & not much else.
Loves: Lin-Manuel Miranda, Plizzanet Earth, lemon poppy seed muffins.
Dislikes: The Oxford comma, running, Dolores Umbridge, science, waking up, grasshoppers, people who claim to do things "ironically", grammatical errors, winter, the North, excessive hashtags, the color purple, Katherine Heigl.
Favorite Bath & Body Works Scent: Eucalyptus Spearmint
Favorite Instagram Filter: Valencia
Favorite Song From Hamilton: Non-Stop
Favorite M&Ms: Crispy (specifically the green ones, they taste better I promise)
Least Favorite Kardashian/Jenner: Kylie
Favorite Color: Yellow
Actual Favorite Color: Black
Favorite Season of AHS: Coven
Hobbies: Needlepoint, parkour, buying things to make myself happy.
Deal Breakers: Grammatical errors, being younger than me even by an hour, Patriots fans, prefers mountains to beach, has never seen Notting Hill, does not know every word to 1989, snorers, eats mushrooms.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Happy Late Birthday

Today's post is a rant expressing my extreme disappointment with a recent Shari's Berries order. That was your warning, if you don't wish to read further it's totally fine and I understand and you're wrong and I hate you.

So. Let me just tell y'all something about Shari's Berries. They ruin birthdays (and probably lives).

Our story begins on the day my mother was born. April 26th in a year I feel would be unwise to share.

Fast forward to April 26th, 2016. My mother's birthday. I will be out of town. I decide to send her flowers. I quickly remember that flowers are stupid and decide to send her chocolate-covered strawberries instead.

So I call up my good friend Shari and ask for a half dozen of her finest berries. I decide to have them sent to the school she teaches at. Luckily, there is a "school" option so I select this thinking that will guarantee their arrival oh, I don't know, sometime before the end of the school day. I was wrong.

At this point I feel it is important to share that I have had another experience with Miss Shari and her berries. Picture it. Valentine's weekend, 2016. Strawberries arrive at my doorstep sometime before noon bidding me a happy bat mitzvah. They were scheduled to arrive anytime before 6 PM. They arrived super early during the chaos of Valentine's Day so I assumed these berries were in good hands. Again, I was wrong.

Back to present-day. I decide I should give Shari a call and check on these berries, make sure they will be delivered before 3 PM. I call and speak to a super nice guy who explains that school and business deliveries are made first and residential deliveries are made after, so the berries should arrive around 2 - 3 PM. I'm pretty jazzed that I will be able to pull of this surprise delivery/birthday present and excited for my mom to read the birthday haiku I plagiarized for her.

I continue living my life, taking selfies, making Harry Potter jokes, wearing XL shirts and the like. 3 PM comes and goes. No email or text message confirming the delivery. I'm not pleased because at this point I've had to tell my mom about the delivery so she can stay at school a little later and check the office. But I still have faith in Shari. I assume she just kept the strawberries for delivery on April 27th since she missed the 8 AM - 3 PM window on the 26th. Yet again, I was wrong.

I got a text message at 7:14 PM saying that my strawberries had been delivered. Do y'all know any schools open at 7 PM? Me either. (Not to mention that all orders are supposed to be delivered by 6 PM. Except I guess I just mentioned it. Oops.)

Now, was it important to me that my mother get her present on her actual birthday? Yes. Because let me explain how science works to y'all. There are no calories on your birthday. (My mother is the type of person who would consider chocolate-covered strawberries a serving of chocolate, not fruit.)

So I call Shari. I speak with someone who is clearly unfamiliar with the concept of time because after I explain what happened she asked why I was upset with the order. And then asked if they were delivered at 7 AM or PM.

While I was on the phone trying to get my money back I got an email from Shari with the subject line of "time to wrap it up". Sha-ha-hade. Later that day I was "randomly selected" to win free shipping on any order $30 or more, which Shari should know I can't afford based on what I continually put in and take out of my shopping cart.

Randomly selected? Yeah right. Shari has obviously had her eye on me and knows that I'm a particularly influential member of the internet community. She knows I could ruin her and her berries.

I need my army of followers to rise up as a single wave of 13-15 people and boycott Shari's Berries. The ball is in your court Shari, if that is your real name. Send me a box of berries I can't refuse, and I will call it all off.

Now...we wait.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Brain Vomit

Literally just a list of thoughts and ideas I decided that the universe needed to hear.

  • Once, a student came up to me and said "Ms. Daniel I took your advice" and I have never been more afraid in my life.
  • Last week after I got dressed I thought to myself "this is totally an outfit my mom would wear". And then I wore it anyway.
  •  You cannot convince me that "Work" by Rihanna has any lyrics.
  • I recently saw one of those face wash commercials with some young up-and-comer, only this time I didn't recognize the young up-and-comer and that's when I knew I was officially old.
  • Sometimes I wonder if my commitment to naming all of my future children after my favorite Degrassi characters is why I'm still single. 
  • I'm going to pose the kittens in a series of ridiculous settings and make a photo album called Mein Kat.
  • You know why they don't make playgrounds for adults? Because ALL playgrounds are for adults! Don't believe me? We can discuss it over the monkey bars.
  • Growing up does mean getting to do more of the things you want to do, but a nasty side effect is also having to do more of the things you don't want to do.
  • If I have a dry sense of humor because I deliver punch lines with a straight face...what is a wet sense of humor? Someone who laughs at their own jokes? Because I do that too.
  • After years of online shopping I was convinced I could never memorize my debit card number. Until one fateful day when I had to order a pizza while my wallet was in my car outside. I guess I just needed higher stakes.
  • Realistically, how many years out are we from drive-through grocery stores?
  • To anyone reading this who wishes to give me a birthday present, my Amazon wishlist is public and called Give It To Me I'm Worth It. Make sure to benefit Carolina For the Kids Foundation through Amazon Smile. I am more than fine with used paperbacks and I accept birthday gifts year round. See also: PizzaHut.com.
  • My new plan is to find a guy named Rich and marry him so at least I can tell people I achieved my goal.
  • I think that given different timing and circumstances, Shonda Rhimes could have been a dictator and Joseph Stalin could have been the showrunner we love to hate. They have similar M.O.s of destroying everything you love to ensure your life is filled only with sadness.
  • I once read that eating peanut butter can help prevent cancer. Now correct me if I'm wrong...but doesn't that mean Reese's cure cancer? I hate to say I told you so.
  • Back in 2012 during the Stop Kony movement I saw a girl walking around Chapel Hill tearing Stop Kony flyers down. 4 years later I still think about that and wonder what her story is. I figure she's either very pro-child soldiers or very anti-paper waste.
  • After much deliberation, I have decided that I want to walk down the aisle at my wedding to "Bad Girls" by M.I.A.
  • It's beginning to alarm me how often I cut out a chunk of my hair because there's queso stuck in it. It's also alarming that I am only now being alarmed by this as it's been happening for ages.
  • I have 2 female roommates. We have 3 male pets. With no father figure I often fear they will turn to a life of crime.
  • I'm not so much putting off marriage as I am waiting to have kids until my mom retires cause you better believe I am farming that out.
  • How is there enough subject matter for 4 seasons of I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? This show first aired 7 years ago but the premise still haunts by dreams. 
  • We always tell kids that colleges and employers are going to scan their social media accounts for drugs and alcohol. Maybe we should also tell them that they're checking for proper grammar and punctuation.
  • Sometimes I wonder if I'm throwing away potential profits by keeping this free blog going instead of storing my thoughts for my inevitable book deal.
  • Then I look at my pageviews and get a reality check. Not as good as a money check.

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

You've Cat to be Kitten Me

At present, I find myself sharing an apartment with 2 girls and 2 cats. 2 roommates who came with legal names they're oddly attached to (no matter how many times I suggested we all change our names to Phoebe, Rachel and Monica) and 2 cats who desperately need names. One is definitely a boy and the other is probably a girl but also we aren't really sure. Here are some names I'm fighting for but feel free to suggest your own. We want to exhaust all possible resources until we give up and just call them both cat.

Draco Meowfoy & Rowena Ravenclaws
Because if you're not going to make a few purrs & paws puns, what is even the point of having cats? And Harry Potter names are really important. If they were black cats they would already be named Bellatrix & Sirius. 

Munch & Fin
We would always feel safe with these ace detectives paw-trolling for prowlers and cat burglars. 

Moe & Curly
I think it would be really funny to name them Moe & Curly and then when people ask where Larry is, just look at them confused and ask "Who's Larry?" 

Marcus & Brice 
Because those guys are just the greatest. 

Hall & Oates
Unfortunately neither of the kittens has a wicked 'stache.

Catniss & Pawta
Because pop culture/literary puns are a very important category of cat names.

Bonnie & Clyde
My roommates ultimately decided against these names since Bonnie & Clyde were a couple and the kittens are brother and sister. I still think naming anything after Jay Z lyrics is a solid strategy.

Maxine & Mortimer
I love the idea of naming animals and babies and inanimate objects after children born in the 1920s. It's just hilarious.

Tracks & Canyon
Naming these kittens after my lynx & puma beanie babies seems like as good an idea as anything.

Mischief & Managed
Because I obviously have an obsession with Harry Potter names and you should all be very concerned about the potential monikers of my future children. But these names just won't do because both kittens are pure mischief and neither has been managed.

Miles & Teller

Kit & Kat
I really like these names but they also make me hungry. Same for PB & J and Nacho & Cheese.

Artemis & Apollo
Two of my favorite things, twins and Greek mythology. Artemis is goddess of the hunt, which perfectly suits the she-cat as several claw marks on my arm can attest, and Apollo is the god of the sun and also plague.

Hava & Haim
Maybe these cats can get the birthright trip I was cruelly denied (by my mother who said my passport is for Western Hemisphere travel only).

Alexander & Hamilton
See last week. Based on my roommates' reactions I didn't even bother suggesting Aaron Purr.