Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Rae's Anatomy

As my collegiate career is coming to a close and I'm preparing to enter the wife draft, I pulled one final all nighter last week. In the emergency room. Before you read this post I think it is important that you know I am currently typing the draft of this post in the hospital at 4:00 AM on my phone.

This misadventure began when my roommate Ginny started having stomach pains. My initial diagnosis was preterm labor until Ginny told me she wasn't pregnant. 15 seasons of ER taught me to never trust the patient so I promptly told her I would need to perform an ultrasound to confirm. When she refused my medical services we headed to the Emergency Room. Thank goodness it was after 5:00 PM so we were able to park. In Chapel Hill you really need to schedule all medical crises around free parking.

After waiting in the ER for almost 2 hours and making multiple phone calls soliciting medical advice from my peers who didn't double major in the humanities (it's okay, one day they will be dying to know the name of the last Pahlavi monarch and I'll be there) we determined that there was no hope. Interestingly enough the thought of spending all night in the ER with only me to talk to made Ginny feel a little better so we went back home.

Around 3:00 AM she awoke to more pain. This time my other roommate Caroline joined us in the ER. I guess all my snapchat selfies with Ginny retching in the background made it seem like great fun. Quality lighting can do that. Please note that this was after we called to ask how long the wait was, like we were reserving a table at the Cheesecake Factory. "Hi, gastrectomy party of 3, near a window please." 

So when we get to the emergency room we immediately note that the atmosphere has completely changed from earlier. Instead of having to remove all of my piercings before I go through the metal detector, the police officer just asked me if I had any guns or knives with me. I don't mean to brag, but I could have totally lied. My first thought was "Man! I could have brought snacks!" and my second thought was "This is a hospital not a basketball game, idiot!".

At this point, I've basically constructed a medical chart in my head and decided it's appendicitis. While waiting for a doctor I surveyed the supplies and informed Ginny that I would feel comfortable doing the surgery myself. I explained the procedure using only Grey's Anatomy quotes and a few made up words like abdomination and appendixise. I was writing a consent form on the back of a Taco Bell receipt I found in my purse and promoted Caroline to scrub nurse when Ginny decided she would be "more comfortable" with a "medical professional" (the " "s denote eye rolls). 

Still trying to be of assistance, I ordered Caroline to make a call to the Vatican and told Ginny we would be performing an exorcism instead. At this point her pain was improving but she was still not amused with me. I threw in a few "the power of Christ compels you" chants for good measure but she still seemed pretty annoyed. I guess appendicitis just does that to some people.

I was officially out of ideas so I decided to cruise Tinder for hot doctors and Caroline pulled out her laptop to do homework. And I kid you not, she asked me for the wifi password. She asked for the emergency room wifi password. Gee, I don't know try 911thisisahospital, all lowercase.

When the doctor finally came in he had to ask us to leave because Ginny was the only diva big enough to bring an entourage to the ER. Caroline and I of course obliged but once we got out of the holding area, we had no idea where to go. I suggested taking a walk, going to the food court, Starbucks. All of these were of course non-options when we remembered it was 5:00 AM. So we sat in an abandoned hallway until a nurse asked us to leave. I get that it's not "sanitary" for us to wait in a "quarantine hall" but a little more signage is all I'm asking for, that place was a maze.

Somewhere around 3 hours later we finally heard those magical words. Discharge papers. Ginny left with a diagnosis (kidney stone) and a parting gift (percocet prescription) while Caroline and I left with several questions for our ER friends, particularly the gentleman handcuffed to his hospital bed, but I reckon some things are better left unsaid.

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Basic Math

Today's post is about all of the math that us basic white girls need to be able to do on a daily basis. I decided to write a post about this because my good friend Brendan pointed out that most women are incapable of simple math, so I figured it was important that I share some basic calculations that you all might need to know in case you find yourself without a man to help you run the numbers. (Okay I did this for me because I have no guy to help me ever.) (Also Brendan was kidding I'm way more sexist than he will ever be.)

So here is basic math. Emphasis on BASIC.

The Numbers that Matter...
pH: Know Your Spot
What's important here isn't your actual pH value but knowing where you fall on the spectrum. If you're a basic 14, you own that 14 and you be as basic as you want, build your brand. If you're a super acidic 1, buy more black and use more sarcastic hashtags. If you're neutral at 7 enjoy the best of both worlds. Curl up on the couch in Victoria's Secrets sweats and watch the latest Indie film.

Should You Buy Those Shoes?
So I have a problem with buying shoes that I never actually wear and I know that my friends and I often struggle with how much of a sale is a good enough sale to justify buying yet another pair of shoes. Not only do we lack the funds for new shoes, but we also lack the closet space. So I've come up with a simple rule to decide whether or not to buy sale shoes. If the sale price is over 50% off you buy the shoes. If the sale price is under 50% off you still buy the shoes. Life's too short.

Group Dynamics 
When you are trying to take a group picture it is important that you understand how many people you can have before you need 2 rows. Once you have more than 6 people, you need to have a back row and a front row of girls sorority squatting. If you have more than 13 people, you have to add a 3rd row. Also it's important to have an odd number at all times because we can't even.

And the Numbers that Don't...
Followers: Following Ratio
Some of you might be thinking "how many people can I follow and still be cool?" or "how many followers do I need to be cool?" and luckily for you I have the answer. Some say that you have to have more followers than you are following, others say you need over a thousand followers. I would like to say that HAVING FOLLOWERS DOESN'T MAKE YOU COOL. Being cool makes you cool. Like Winona Ryder manic pixie dream girl cool.(Before shoplifting. Stealing isn't cool.)
Also page views make you cool so share this blog with your friends.

Likes: Minutes Ratio
Perhaps it's an urban legend but I have heard of people who will delete a post if it doesn't get enough likes. So everyone who recognizes me as a verified social media expert (my brother) will ask me how many likes a post needs relative to how long it's been up. If a picture has more likes than minutes it has been posted I would say you have too much power. Too much clout/klout on social media is a dangerous thing. One day you could be struggling to get 11 likes on a bridal portrait but if you know the right people and use the right hashtags, next thing you know you could be hitting 100 likes on a picture of your big toe. I think with likes go for quality over quantity. I would rather have one guy that I'm into like my selfie than 10 guys I don't know. Because we all know that liking selfies is a modern mating call.

In conclusion, I'm not perfect, I care way more about this stuff than I should. There are dogs on Instagram with more followers than me, that doesn't feel good. But at the end of the day only one of us has access to indoor plumbing. So the lesson of the day is that there are two mistakes you can make in life. One is thinking you're special. The other is thinking you aren't. The amount of followers or likes you have does not define you. You should always be more focused on living your life than sharing it.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

MeTV: Television for the Seriously Disturbed

Today's post reflects what appears to be a post-marathon wealth of free time but I can assure you that is all a facade. Free time is still a hop, skip and a month away but I have to start fantasizing now about what I will do with it if I'm going to survive the last few weeks of class. When I make my long-awaited return to leisure activities I expect the television schedule to be a little different. Here is a list of shows I have whipped up using 2 simple ingredients: shows that already exist and a dash of insanity. In my defense the current shows are simply not living up to my expectations and they could be greatly improved with a pinch of extra...something. You'll get the hang of it.

River Monsters Among Us
River Monsters terrifies me as is, imagine the same show only now the monsters aren't just confined to rivers. Every time I watch this show I have nightmares about leeches and piraiba even though I spend most of my time on land and therefore not in immediate danger of death by aquatic animal. Imagine a show that features all of the same predators from rivers, but capable of invading our every day lives. I'm talking piranhas in toilet tanks, arapaimas in swimming pools, and much, much worse. It's part Florida evening news and part Final Destination ("If only grandpa had checked the hot tub for a gator first...").

Friends With Benefits
I admit the main draw of this show would be the return of the original Friends cast but I hope to trick the majority of America into finally realizing that friends with benefits is a terrible life decision. Those 2 identical movies released in 2011 didn't really get this point across. This series would show how everyone's lives would be if they had hooked up according to The One With the Flashback. Ross and Phoebe separated after he learned that Street Phoebe once mugged him years ago. Chandler and Rachel happily occupy separate wings in a mansion upstate, Chandler is miserable transponsting but needs the money to support Rachel and her Sphinx cat collection. Joey and Monica have 6 sons, Joseph Angelo, Joseph Raphael, Joseph Dante, Joseph John, Joseph Francis and Joseph Stalin (Joey insisted, claiming he has definitely heard it before so it must be an ancestor and no one had the heart to tell him).

Extreme Hoarding: Full House
I have been waiting for someone to call Full House out for decades, and with the alleged reprise that I still believe is a particularly dedicated April Fool's joke, now might finally be my time. My first issue with them is that all of the wholesome family fun in this show reportedly takes place in San Francisco. I'm not buying it. San Francisco is Latin for Sodom and Gomorrah. My second issue is that I could make a strong case for human hoarding here. I mean there's 9 people in the immediate family, add an extra Olsen twin, Kimmy Gibbler is always there along with the guy who voiced Aladdin and this has to be violating some mass residential occupancy law. I realize Nancy Pelosi stays pretty busy practicing looks of disdain in a mirror so her botox addiction doesn't betray her whenever a Republican speaks, but if you can't control Full House, can you control The House?

America's Next Top Model Cycle 137: Little Women
If you don't watch Little Women: LA or Little Women: NY I'm really not sure what you're doing with your Wednesday nights. The drama and violence that always escalates with these women is comparable only to the tensions that rise in a house full of a dozen aspiring models. This cycle of ANTM would be like the British invasion, the LA little women would compete against the NY little women. My sincere hope is that when forced to work together, the women will start to get along, but the drama between the 2 cities is sure to continue. The challenges would be seemingly simple things like "share a meal without a fistfight ensuing" or "hear some gossip and don't repeat it" that no one on these shows is capable of. The makeover episode would turn especially violent after Terra is given extensions and Christy gets a buzz cut.

Intervention 2.0: Exorcism
Okay I've never seen this show but whenever I see it in the TV Guide I can't help but think about how it almost "went there". Interventions are so mainstream, who among us has never come home to a room full of friends that are "seriously concerned" and "want the best for us" and offer to help us "start wearing pants again" because our behavior "just isn't normal"? But exorcisms...I would totally tune in once a week to watch an exorcism. I imagine this show going down a lot like Catfish, someone would write in to the Vatican like "Dear Pope Francis...I need your help...used to be a model student...killing cats for sport...demonic...Satanic rituals...bloody prom dress...XOXO concerned friend."

Teen StepMoms
Can we talk for a minute about the fact that the former stars of 16 and Pregnant somehow always have money for manis and pedis? Not only do they all sport acrylic nails, but almost every episode shows at least one of them bonding with a friend at a nail salon. I'm almost 22, I've never been pregnant and I can't afford that. And since paying someone to paint my nails is impossible, paying someone to be my friend and come to the salon with me is out of the question. But this show would be entirely different, featuring teenagers who marry older men and become stepmoms to kids actually older than them. These teen stepmoms are out there, I promise. And I am so intrigued...high hopes for this show.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Say Yes April

Allow me to introduce you to a way of life known among the greater Dance Marathon community as "Say Yes April". A magical month where all your dreams can come true, your spirits go up and your grades go down. Say Yes April is the month where we say yes to everything we haven't been able to do for the past year because we were a little busy throwing a 24 marathon and raising $570,561.48. Say Yes April started a little early for me (aka Say Yes Senior Year), but here is a look at some of the things I have been able to say yes to in the past week...

Senior's Meeting at He's Not
Interestingly enough, the week after the marathon is actually just as busy as the week of the marathon because you have to finally catch up on all the schoolwork you've been neglecting as you deal with several transition meetings. After one such meeting, a group us took to one of our favorite bars because nothing aids insightful discussion like a blue cup (32oz of beer).

CFTK Bar Night
We had a benefit night at the infamous Library ("Oh hi Mom, I'm just at The Library." Plot twist, The Library = a bar, the library = a place to study. Fortunately, capitalization can't be conveyed over the phone). It was...interesting. And I enjoyed every second of it, from dancing on stage to squading up with my committee in the back, without worrying about how I was going to feed 2,000 people for 24 hours.

Nowruz
I had the opportunity to attend the Persian New Year celebration! If you know how obsessed I am with the Middle East and Iran in particular, then you can imagine how hype I was for this. I tried new foods, something I haven't done since the introduction of Bagel Bites (my fave was the bread, some things never change). I watched performances, listened to music, heard a Rumi recitation because if Rumi doesn't pump you up I don't know what will. And best of all, I learned how to dance to Persian music. After 2 hours of dancing, here is what I've learned. Persian dance is 1 part faucet wrists, 3 parts doing whatever Yasamin's doing.

#WhatTheLail (Becca's Bridal Shower)
In years past I would often spend weekends in Raleigh or Greenville, touring the state and spreading my unique brand of sass among all of my scattered friends. But currently, I can't tell you when the last time I left Chapel Hill for a whole weekend was. This weekend I was able to attend a bridal shower for one of my best friends since before anyone knew who Hilary Duff was. While the completely unfair arctic-geddon raged outside despite the sun, we pretended to be fancy as we sipped mimosas and lemonade, ate dainty cupcakes and gossiped like the middle schoolers we used to be.

Last Marathon Meeting at Linda's 
Every Friday afternoon for the past 2 months or so I have had a meeting to help plan the marathon. Of course, having never been on a marathon committee before I am not particularly helpful at these meetings. More often than not I go for the cheese sticks and end up working on the sketches for a new swimwear line. We had our final marathon wrap-up meeting over cheese fries and Parmesan peppercorn ranch as we discussed pros (2 words. leftovers table) and cons (I didn't get to take a selfie with Chancellor Folt). 

Brendan's Birth Week
The week surrounding the birth of my dearest Brendy is a 7 day long festival complete with parties, dinners and a cookie cake (don't get too excited, there were walnuts in it). Every day this week I have some sort of activity to celebrate the day that Brendan was born. Honestly, there are gods in some cultures celebrated with smaller fanfare. But as much as this week is about Brendan (17%) it's also about our friendships that do not end with our respective Dance Marathon positions. Those 13 are stuck with me for life because we're humans and dancers. Bet they regret applying now.

And make sure to stay tuned for...

LDOC
Yes, we have already started planning the festivities for our last LDOC. LDOC means last day of class for those of you who don't even go here.

If nothing above resonated with you on a spiritual level, the mere fact that I am posting this in the middle of the day and not at midnight is a testament to how amazingly luxurious a little free time can be.


Addendum: Those of you familiar with my #StopPatrick2014 post will be thrilled to learn that he finally took my advice, he has a new Instagram (52inc.records) that he lets someone much better at social media (S/O to Bridgette) run. Listening to me will take you far in life. Or get you killed, one of the two for sure.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Biggest Party All Year: Round 4

If you haven't liked any of my countless posts about the 2015 UNC Dance Marathon in the past few weeks, we're probably no longer friends. In the event that you gave up social media for Lent, have been on a deserted island, or broke both of your thumbs, I will forgive you if you share this blog post, my last UNC Dance Marathon (as an undergrad) in review. I reserve the right to come back as a dancer/motivator/volunteer/emcee/VIP/celebrity guest for years to come.

I couldn't possibly convey everything that happened in a single post, but I have organized my thoughts into brief summaries of every hour.

Hour 1
A "Meet The Exec Board" video featured a lovely 5 second clip of me stuffing a grilled cheese into my face. Super profesh.

Hour 2
My entire committee and the executive board saw my parents before I did because they were running pizza pickups. This is the point where I learned we had roughly 10 boxes of mayonnaise packets. So 9 completely unnecessary boxes.

Hour 3
Dinner is served! After every color team ate, Tina got on the microphone in Gym B and gave me a shout out.

Hour 4
I got my first meal under my fanny pack and Missy and Charles came into Gym B so I could introduce my committee members to Missy of #TheMissyChronicles.

Hour 5
Midnight Magic was fun until I realized I was freezing. So I headed back inside to make sure energy drinks were ready because at this point dancers start needing artificial sugars.

Hour 6
Good Night With Jay Putnam filmed in Gym A and I realized that it is definitely time for me to have my own show. Someone get on this.

Hour 7
My committee started setting up to serve Late Night Snack which involved dumping huge bags of salsa into trays. This made the most disgusting sounds, I may give up salsa for Lent next year instead of veggies.

Hour 8
While serving Late Night Snack it became apparent that I cannot say no to people. Dancers could seriously ask me for chips & salsa, a piece of cake, and a cookie and I would offer them a king size candy bar to round out their meal.

Hour 9
My committee SLAYED our committee dance despite barely knowing what we were doing. We shook it off, there was a lift, I watched Kelly for cues the whole time. But it was great.

Hour 10
Thongy...the exec board's dance happened. It was...interesting. I think people screamed for us more out of obligation than amazement but from the stage all cheers are good cheers.

Hour 11
After missing senior hour I headed out to Henry Stadium for a sunrise walk and finally secured a spot around the stadium to feel like a big deal. 4 years in the making...I made it fam.

Hour 12
I technically missed this mail drop but for 4 years I have had the completely underwhelming experience of realizing my parents DIDN'T buy me one of everything from our merch store. But they were at the marathon and each bought one of my committee shirts...talk about adorable. 

Hour 13
We started setting up for breakfast and set out COFFEE for dancers. Coffee is obviously a huge deal at the marathon. Much caffeine. Dancers very happy.

Hour 14
Breakfast is served...after the 5K and the marathon, no one ever say the word bagel to me again. I am the definition of "bae goals". 

Hour 15
I chilled in SNL hallway some more and tried to take pictures with my lovely subchairs. This was interrupted when one of my committee members started throwing those dern mayonnaise packets at us. Thanks Kelly.

Hour 16
RAVE ON STAGE. I wore sparkly gems on my face and threw glow sticks to dancers from the stage, confetti cannons burst behind me (after production moved me out of their way). Everything I hoped it would be.

Hour 17
Lunch was served outside and amazingly, we found a non-profit to take the leftover sub sandwiches! We got rid of at least 4 more mayonnaise packets.

Hour 18
I spent this time cleaning up SNL hallway and  realizing that we had a cotton candy machine that we should probably utilize.

Hour 19
Vermonster...Ben & Jerry's gives us a ton of ice cream that dancers have to eat with their hands as quickly as possible. Quality entertainment. 

Hour 20
We arranged for a surprise for dancers outside...INFLATABLES! Dancers were literally sprinting to the bouncy houses and slide. Meanwhile I leaned against the obstacle course and fell asleep in between blinks.

Hour 21
For the first time all marathon, food was served that I had nothing to do with! Ben & Jerry's came in and served ice cream and SNL debated what to do with all that mayonnaise.

Hour 22
More cleaning. And changing into my polo and jeans again. I look beyond gross at this point. All the dry shampoo and Febreze in the world couldn't help me at this point.

Hour 23
Dancers enjoyed family hour in Gym A and I ripped banners from the walls of Gym B. 

Hour 24
One of my favorite parts of Dance Marathon, the "By the Numbers" video played right before total reveal. 2015 was a record-breaking year. We raised $570,561.48 for the kids! In my 4 years here, the largest student-run non-profit in North Carolina has raised over $2 million. #Blessed

SHOUT OUTS
Huge thank yous to everyone who has donated to my dancer total this year! If you want an embarrassing photo of me, heartfelt handshake, personal haiku, naming rights to my first child, seriously, just ask.
Mama Meg - Thank you so much for supporting your 3rd daughter!
Grandma & Grandpa - The only donors who actually requested photos of me (thanks Grandma).
Mary &Avery - Thank you for your donations! I know post-grad life is hard and moneys don't grow on trees. I appreciate you (and the rest of 2014) so much!
Hope & Kelsey - Thank you for welcoming me to the SNL family and the SNLJSchooldyNASTY. I will forever be grateful for your support and advice.
Memaw & Aunt Donna - You both managed to use donations to lure me to church...very sneaky. God bless.
Daddy - Thank you for talking to your co-workers for me and harassing Pfizer's matching grant department. Besos.
Aunts & Family - Thank you for all of your donations and for being proud of me and supporting my involvement in UNC Dance Marathon for 4 years.
Cornerstone - Finally, thanks so much to my church family. Over the past 4 years so many of you have donated, liked my posts, asked about UNC DM or just let me talk about it for hours on end.

This year has been the biggest blessing and I will forever be grateful to have served as the 2015 Supply and Logistics Chair for the Carolina For The Kids Foundation. A million thank yous to everyone who has helped along the way. Now SHUT UP AND DANCE WITH ME!

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Professional Yet Hype

As many of you and anyone who has ever met me knows, I have friends for 2 main reasons. School projects and UNC Dance Marathon. My popularity really skyrocketed this year when I made the Carolina For The Kids Foundation executive board and overnight 13 people had to be my friend for a whole year. For this reason alone I would suggest any high school senior select their college based on the dance marathon program at that school. It's funny because you think I'm kidding but I'm not even a little bit joking.

I have had the honor of knowing and working with 13 of the most driven and caring people I have ever met this year and it will be a privilege to stand beside them at 8:00 PM, Saturday, March 21st. It is my pleasure to introduce you to the 2015 Carolina For The Kids Executive Board, 13 of my favorite people. Are we humans, or are we dancers?

Executive Director - Evan
The Conductor
If you've ever been in the Pope Room you know that the Exec Director's main role is to "meet with some of us" each week. Evan has to keep us all accountable, on task, and hardest of all, relatively quiet during meetings. He also gets at least 10 questions a day from me alone. 50% of those are me asking him if I can be excused to go to the bathroom.

Campus Fundraising - Kari
The Hostess
The CampFun chair is our main Greek life liaison and Kari has set me up with so many benefit nights this year. I will take any excuse possible to go to dinner with friends instead of eating a hot pocket alone. Thanks to all of the bar nights Kari organized, instead of spending Friday nights alone watching Friends reruns, I spend Friday nights out with real life friends and push my wallowing in self pity back to Saturday. Fun fact: CFTK benefit nights are a great way to ask guys out because they pretend it's for charity and you pretend it's leading to a proposal.

Community Outreach - Meagan
The Teacher
Meagan organizes mini-marathons at local (and some not-so local) elementary, middle and high schools. She also came up with a Vacation Bible School push that was totally genius and works on several other local events. CommOut organizes fundraiser FTK trees in the winter and gives tours of the marathon to visitors interested in learning more about everything going on. I have a feeling my grandma will be all over that. And I would be too if it meant I got to hang out with Meagan more.

Corporate Marketing - Christina
The Networker
Christina, or Tina as we like to call her, asks corporations, small businesses, sponsors, restaurants, really anyone we can think of for money. CoMa writes all of our grant applications and organizes sponsors for Kilometers For The Kids and the marathon. Keeping the sponsors happy and the money flowing is what CoMa does best. Tina also passes on to me all of the sponsors who offer in-kind donations instead of monetary, which makes my life easier.

Donor Development - Beth
The Mailman
Beth could probably stuff envelopes in her sleep at this point because DD organizes all of our letter pushes where we send out letters on behalf of committee members and dancers. She conquered mail merge! And leaky stamps! Beth is in charge of keeping the alumni in the loop and connected to our organization. Beth is also the unofficial environmental chair and holds an alumni brunch. Who doesn't love brunch?

Entertainment - Heather
The DJ
What you might not know about Heather is that she is the best dancer I have ever seen. Give her a dance floor, a beat and get out of the way. So it makes sense that she is in charge of keeping dancers hype by scheduling DJs and entertainment during the marathon. Do you know how hard it is to keep 2,000 people entertained for 24 hours? I can't keep myself entertained for more than 5 minutes without a book or television. And not once this year has Heather yelled "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?" I don't know how she does it. Heather is also the keeper of the 5x5, a simple spreadsheet that has EVERY 5 MINUTES OF THE MARATHON SCHEDULED. No pressure.

Event Donations - Sonya
The Giver
Sonya completely organized our Benefit Reception. By herself. Cause she's a rockstar. EvDo is responsible for soliciting for all of the great items we auction off at the BR and dancer incentives. So basically Sonya works to give really awesome gifts, that you have to buy or raise money for, but still. Fun fact: This one time, we tried to raise $25,000 in 25 hours and Chelsea and I had $0 donated until Sonya came and it became 25K in 25 minutes ft. Sonya cause she rocks.

Finance - Landon
The Trick or Treater
Landon's area of expertise is a subject my father would say I am quite well-versed in...asking people for money. Landon pays the bills, keeping a roof over our heads and he goes to the bank almost as often as I go to Victoria's Secret, except he is on actual CFTK business. Landon coordinates all of our cannings, which are a lot like selling Girl Scout cookies door to door except without any cookies.

Fundraising Projects - Chelsea
The Designer
Chelsea is the person I go to when I start to think that the DM section of my closet isn't big enough. FundProj designs all of the merchandise we sell and coordinates dancer fundraisers like bake sales and date auctions. Unfortunately I am not very helpful to Chelsea because I lack what some would call "perspective" aka I fully admit that I will buy anything that says "CFTK" "UNCDM" "FTK" and therefore estimating sales is not my forte.

Hospital - Shakeia
The Intermediary
Shak works directly with all of the amazing families we serve. She dedicates every Tuesday afternoon to Parent's Night Out, where we serve meals at the hospital. Shakeia is responsible for communicating with families and Kid Co-Captains. The role Shak fills is particular important because she is around cute kids all the time and has to maintain her composure instead of asking to hold them all. I could never do it.

Morale and Recruitment - Jean-Luc
The Recruiter
The Morale chair has had the distinct pleasure of always being the weirdest member of Exec...until this year. Even though JL isn't as weird as I am, I like to think I'm rubbing off on him. Morale choreographs our pit dance, marathon line dance and all sorts of other shenanigans like dredging up Facebook photos from 2005. Keeping dancers happy is a full-time job and JL does a great job!

Operations - Logan
The Planner
Logan's job is to us his dad voice to get things done. He deals with the physical logistics of putting on the marathon, all those grown up-y things that give me a headache like reservations and rentals and scheduling and I already give up. Ops also plans our annual Kilometers For The Kids race event which I have had the pleasure of volunteering at for 3 years now because my only other option was to run it. Ha.

Publicity - Brendan
The Social Media Star
Pub is a small army that produces our newsletters, manages our website, produces graphics, deals with the press I'm constantly trying to escape, and my personal favorite, represents us on social media! It was a long battle getting our official accounts to follow me back but 4 years later and I have officially arrived. I even get hit with the occasional retweet. Brendan keeps all this in motion because DM, much like Miley, can't stop won't stop.

Supply and Logistics - Rachel
The Caterer
I'm in charge of all food at the marathon, which will come as a surprise to those of you who read the Hong KONG Buffet expose piece I did a few months ago. Additionally, my idea of a vegetarian option is french fries and cookie dough, so I couldn't have done anything without my fabulous subchairs. My main role is to solicit, or ask people to give me things for free. Unfortunately, trying to get the best deals FTK has not made me any more frugal in the real world.

Stay tuned next week for a marathon recap and SHOUTOUTS!

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Bad Cars & Worse Luck

Remember that time my car broke down when I didn't have my cell phone and wasn't wearing a bra?
Yeah me too.
I was reminded of it last night when MY NEW CAR BROKE DOWN TOO.

Allow me to explain...this was completely out of the blue. My car worked perfectly fine until about a month ago, when it started gradually getting worse and worse until yesterday when BAM! Broken. 100 to zero real quick (30 days, give or take 29 days).

I will admit, this is partially my fault. Percentage wise, I would say I'm somewhere in the neighborhood of 1% responsible, with Obama picking up the other 99. My car radio started flickering awhile ago and I didn't remember to tell my father until a few weeks after it started. When I told him I had been having issues he mentioned that my car had been recalled.

Oh.

That would have been nice to know. It's amazing how if I were to come home at 12:01 AM my parents would consider it incredibly dangerous but if I'm driving around the greater Durham area in a car that's been recalled for electrical malfunctioning, what's the worst that could happen?

Anyways, last night I was literally telling the story of how my first car broke down as I drove my friend Rene home. At this point, it's something I can laugh about. Or at least it was. As soon as I parked my car at my house, the entire computer system shut down. I couldn't lock it, turn on the lights, get my key out of the ignition, use the emergency calling system, and the worst part is I couldn't even listen to the radio. I know.

So, when faced with this adversity, I asked myself, who is an adult that might be awake? It was 12:30 AM. So I called my Aunt Julia. When it was assured that I hadn't butt dialed her (in her defense, my butt has a mind of its own and does knock stuff over unbeknownst to me with an alarming frequency) I informed her that I had called AAA and they basically told me tough cookies. Since I didn't require roadside assistance I wasn't really their problem. A friend suggested we push my car into the road and call back for roadside assistance, but that just seemed like an awful lot of cardio. We decided I should just try to remove the rest of my key ring and call it a night. Upon exiting my car, I was reminded of this ancient invention called manual locks that still exist. I decided to lock the driver's side door at least in an attempt to thwart whatever prowlers may be in the area.

Plot twist. Every single door is now locked. Not a huge issue since I'm pretty sure my computer system is RIP, but I had removed all hope of getting to the 600 plus candy bars in my trunk. (Donated for UNC Dance Marathon, I didn't just buy 600 candy bars, a lot of my current candy budget is being re-allocated to #SprangBreak2k15).

So here we are. I already knew I was a completely unqualified driver, but as it turns out, I'm not even qualified to own a car. Some people kill goldfish and houseplants. I kill automobiles.